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May 1, 2008

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BFN #2–Day 1 Cycle #3


So, it’s a Big Fat Negative. I didn’t even need to take a test this morning as AF arrived, just as predicted.
Damn.
But you know, I knew it. The universe said it to me loud and clear on April 20 in my bedroom. We were having the apartment painted on April 22 (had the appointment booked since January and couldn’t really change it…) and had to clear everything out, up and off into the middle of the rooms and cover it all with plastic.
It’s like moving without moving and it’s Horrible. As we were deconstructing the bedroom, I realized with horror that I had
TOO MUCH SHIT.

Now anyone who knows me will laugh right now because you will be thinking “um, you just realized that?!” No, I didn’t ‘just’ realize it, but it hit me with a force since I need to make room for baby.
It’s not that I’m a pack-rat, maybe just a pack-gerbil, you know…something on a smaller scale. I like collecting things and I like saving things. Looking at things that I’ve saved and collected brings me peace and happiness and I have always hoped that someday I would have children who would spend rainy days looking at all of mom’s old things and enjoying them immensely.
So there are things I just cannot get rid of.

Plus, I’ve moved around so much that this is my permanence. Since I was born I can count 28 moves. I have no childhood home and my home travels with me. So all these things that I collect are a part of me and most of them I just can’t bear to part with.

Enter the Container Store. If I can’t get rid of it, I have to find a better way to contain it! What the paint project became was an entire apartment renovation project and at one point I heard the universe scream at me to get all this crap done before adding something else–like a baby–to the mix. Call me crazy, but that’s when I knew I wasn’t pregnant this month. So, we went ahead and stained the furniture.

From the very beginning, way back in the cold, dark month of January, I had the feeling that May would be the month. We shall see…

Tonight I’m going to a birthday party for one of my best friends and I think I’ll have a glass of champagne and celebrate! Yes, it’s bad news for me…but someone got pregnant today and good things are happening all over. I have a lot to be thankful for and I’m going to keep focusing on that.

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There Will Be Blood.

14 Days Since the IUI and my PMS headache came yesterday in the late afternoon. Nothing makes this headache go away and I did not do it any favors by going to a concert last night.


Ah, but the concert was Feist and well worth the pain!  Thanks for taking me, Christine!

The day after this particular headache, I am usually greeted by Aunt Flo in the morning.
However…the anticipated bleeding has not begun.
I’ve had some minor…I don’t know what to call them, they are not really cramps, but strange feelings in my lower stomach that I usually don’t have.

Stranger still, I was walking to a friend’s house this evening around 6pm and who do I see coming down the sidewalk towards me…my nurse!  The one who inseminated me 14 days ago! She asked how I was doing and wished me luck and I was left there thinking…THIS has to mean something, right?

Months ago, a woman in my support group (Women Planning Biological Children at the LGBT Center in Manhattan) gave me a bag of OPK’s and POAS’s and I have one pee stick left…I just might use it tomorrow.  Or, I just might wait it out a few more days…

Friday morning K and I fly to my mom’s for an early Mother’s Day weekend.  That would be wonderful for everyone to be pregnant and celebrating mother’s, wouldn’t it?

I’m trying, trying, trying to not get my hopes up tooooo much.  But my body is pretty regular, so the fact this headache and come and gone has me hoping just a bit right now.

AND as I was in the middle of writing this I had a strange sensation in my koochacacha and said, “hmmmm, I think I’ll go to the bathroom”.  What I found, I refer to as “tinge o’ pee” and K calls “rose tinted pee paper”.  My other AF clue and one that I was getting hopeful about as the headache had come and gone and old Rose had not shown a sign.

I guess the headache was early, b/c I have a strong feeling THERE WILL BE BLOOD.