Monthly Archives

June 2008



Keep breathing. I had trouble sleeping a few nights ago and starting meditating. I lived in Thailand for a while a few years ago and started meditating with a great coach and after a few months went to a magical wat in the forest (complete with a cobra in the bed) for a retreat.

Even the cobra didn’t deter me from meditation—although I moved beds.

I naively thought that it would be easy to keep up the practice on my own once returning to my normal life here in NYC. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I’d try it in bits and spurts until finally abandoning it, putting it on the shelf with “things I’ve tried”.

Lately, I’ve taken it off the shelf and given it more attention. It’s so much harder than I remembered, but that’s also because I have a cat who likes to rub all over me when I sit on the ground (or anywhere for that matter).

As I meditated late the other night, I finally felt really peaceful and ready to try sleep again.

No sooner did I lay down when the thoughts came rushing back in my head and as I told myself “breathe”, I realized I wasn’t breathing at all. I was just laying there holding my breath.

That’s bad.

The last few days have been rough. Friends have been emailing me saying things like, “I’ve been reading your blog. You’re not yourself and I’m a little worried about you.” I’m so transparent.

I needed perspective. So this morning I woke up and thought, “You have nothing to be stressed about. Nothing has happened to you. There is nothing wrong with you. You have not suffered any losses. Your medical tests are fine. OK, so you’re a little older, but there are worse things (I’m not so sure about this one, but I’m trying it on for size).”

And down I went to the meditation floor. I’m not sure how long I stayed there—long enough for the cat to get bored rubbing against me without getting rubbed back—but when I opened my eyes I just started praying out loud. To whom, I’m not sure because I’m not a religious person, but I wanted to put it out in the universe. I didn’t pray for anything, but simply made a list thanking the universe for all I already have.

Today, I found many meditation centers in my surrounding work/home neighborhood and I’m going to try some of these places out and see if I can find a more guided practice out there to help me in my journey.

Thanks for everyone chiming in about exercise. I think I’ll hold off on my Vinyassa yoga and pilates for the first 10 days post IUI. Since my gym has an indoor pool, I’m going to take up swimming instead. My walk to work everyday is about 2 miles roundtrip and I’ve continued to do this. I’m incorporating some Hatha yoga for the first part of the TWW and I think that should be good.

Exercise and staying healthy is just such a huge part of my life, it’s been rough living my months in increments of two weeks and changing my routine. But, maybe change is good.

Be healthy everyone and remember to breathe.


Excercise and IUI’s

What have you all been told concerning this topic?

I’ve read/heard so much conflicting information that I just don’t know what to believe.

My RE said I could do anything during the TWW except the usual no no’s (horseback riding, tennis, basketball, dangerous type of sports). My acupuncturist said that I shouldn’t be doing any yoga, pilates or running for at least the first week.

The TWW is hard enough but not being able to do my usual workout routine makes me even more stressed out. I need (at least) my yoga class more than ever right now!

I’ve continued walking, stretching and weights, but everything else I’ve held off.

So tell me, what do you stop doing during the TWW as far as gym/exercise/working out? I’m curious to know…


67 Kids, 25 Minutes

K and I have been talking about how Manhattan (NYC in general) is on a baby boom. The economy has been great and more people than ever are deciding to forgo the suburbs and stay in the city once they have kids.

We live in a great area for children, surrounded by at least 8 kid-friendly parks, green spaces, riverside esplanade, bike trails, etc. We love it here and can’t wait to have a baby and raise it in the city.

But it makes not having a baby difficult when you are TTC. This morning, just for shits and giggles because I think the progesterone is seriously spinning me a mindf*uck, I decided to count how many kids I passed on my morning walk to work.

67 Kids under the age of five. How depressing. I know I missed some because I passed three parks and it’s impossible to count all the kids.

By the time I give birth they’ll have raised our rent so high we won’t even be able to afford to live here. (There is no cap for apartments rented under market rate in NYC. Rent control ended in 1998 and now anything over $2,000 is fair game for rent hikes. We’ve experienced rent hikes as high as 22%. It’s insane. We know.)

To top it all off, my co-worker who is the same age as me, has a precious 14 month old and lives in the same apartments as I do under rent control (she grew up there).

So yeah, she has the baby and pays probably a ¼ of my rent.

Life is unfair sometimes, but at least I look 10 years younger than her.  I know that sounds terribly vain and I really don’t care.

Did I mention I hate progesterone?  I think K might have been secretly happy to get on the plane this morning and not have to deal with my moodiness again until Friday!  Sorry baby, I know I’m a handful!


Official Member of the Itty Bitty Pantyliner Committee

Hello Progesterone Suppositories, meet my new thong pantyliners.

It would’ve been nice if there had been directions with these bullet-like things, but no.  However, I guess my years of using OB tampons finally paid off.  No big deal getting it in, but my how it does like to leak out.

Whoever came up with the idea of a thong pantyliner, was pure genius!  I used to date this girl who would cut up a regular pantyliner into four separate pieces and make us homemade pantyliners.  Brilliant, eh?!
Did anyone watch High School Reunion this past Spring to see “Kat the Lesbian?”  Well, that’s my ex and I declare she missed her chance to make millions in the pantyliner industry.

I refuse to even look at what the side effects these things have b/c I can’t stand imagining more symptoms at this point.  I am a little hotter and a bit thirstier, but otherwise that, nothing else.

The IUI went fine, but I still am always second guessing the timing.  I feel like I just keep googling the same exact shit month after month after month.  I had to wait over 30 minutes, but at least in that time I went to the bathroom and found EWCM, so my mood improved a little bit.
I had a different nurse than I usually do and while I don’t like her as much as my usual nurse, her technique was great.  I did ask her how my cervix looked, was it wide and open? She replied “cervix’s are always open”.  Um, thanks, not exactly what I was asking for.  

This cycle has me feeling rather low.  I ovulated very late, I feel like we may have inseminated a day too late and wasted all that sperm.  I have doubts about my sperm donor.    His count isn’t as high as I’d like it.  Usually he’s at 14-16mil and this time was only 10mil.  That’s the bare minimum they have to guarantee.  Despite being reassured that it’s more than enough to get me pregnant, I still feel stupid for buying all of the sperm at once instead of trying him out a cycle or two before committing.  It’s like getting ready for a blind date and putting a down payment on the future house you’ll buy together before you even arrive at the date.

Then I went to my post-IUI acupuncture session and didn’t have my regular therapist.  The alternate woman looked at my BBT chart and nonchalantly declared that it looked like I’d ovulated on Day 15.  Alarmed I squeeked, “but I did the IUI 3 days later, they took blood, I had ultrasounds, the blood said different”.  She rescinded, but it made me feel like once again, all this money, even the acupuncture, for nothing.
Everyone has a theory and none of them match up.

I want to trust my fertility center.  I really, really do.  They are one of the top fertility centers in the world.  But lately I feel like a second-class citizen because I’m not doing IVF and that’s what they do best.  Even with the top facility, an IUI is still a well-timed crap shoot.
As a Dr. (not at my clinic) told one of my friends after 10 cycles, “do you want to get pregnant or do you want to keep trying?”  She’s pregnant now, after an IVF cycle.

I’m scared, because if this cycle is a BFP, I’ve got exactly TWO more tries before IVF.

Here’s to another, messier, mind-fuck of a TWW.

Shot Through the Ass and Sperm’s to Blame

That, fellow young internetters, is wordplay on a Bon Jovi song. You may be too young to remember…but it was a really famous song and damn it I’m OLD.

What does it mean?? I took ye ole trigger shot in the ass today my friends.

My temp has been unusually low for days and my body is working really slow this cycle (today is Day 17) possibly due to my wonky cycle last month. I’ve been going to the RE since Day 11 as last month was such a short cycle. I got really down Sunday morning when I saw on the ultrasound that my follicles had hardly grown in 3 days and my LH was no where near peak levels.

So today I went back to the RE where they found two follies, one 18.5. My estrogen is 316 and my LH 14.4.

Also, this morning I woke up to lovely EWCM in the panties and well, if EWCM on Day 17 doesn’t put a smile on your face, really, what will?

Thanks to all of my new online friends and friends in real life who called/emailed/texted to say Happy Birthday! I was feeling a bit down (just a bit, nothing to worry about!) and it made me feel loved and special. Plus, I’m older. Urh. But, on the bright side, I got carded at the last club I went to and still look WELL under 30. Use your SPF moisturizer ladies (and token gay man), it really does work.

I’ve been away from the internets due to no good reason other than I was getting a bit obsessed with blogs and researching. It’s summertime and up until the NYC heat wave sky-rocketed temps to 100, it was rather pleasant outdoors.

I’ve been concentrating on wrapping my head around what’s going on inside my body in healthy ways. What does that mean? Yoga, meditation, pilates, reading, dinner with friends, shopping, cooking, outdoor BBQ’s, foreign films, sitting in the park staring at the grass wishing I could smoke it (OMG, did I just say that!?) and my monthly “damn I’m not pregnant again” sampling of raw fish and wine.

Through conversations with my RE, nurse and acupuncturist we determined that last month was probably a chemical pregnancy (95%). This is partial bad news as it obviously didn’t stick. However, the good news is that my body got pregnant all by itself on a natural cycle—not even a trigger shot. It gave me hope that I can do it and I will do it. That is, me and the help of some progesterone suppositories this cycle, so that itty bitty sticky rice, STICKS.

Tomorrow? 11:30 am, Spermification v.4


It’s My Birthday

I’ve been away from you internet friends.  And now people are starting to wonder where I’ve gone.

It’s all good…better than good really.  Life is great!

I’ll fill you in on all of the details later…but now I have to go!
K has something planned for me, a total surprise and I’ve been informed to make sure I’m ready.

My birthday card was addressed to:  Puffer and the soon to be baby fish:)  how totally cute!