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July 17, 2008


Why We Waited

After September 11th, life changed for me. I worked on Wall Street and in one beautiful morning, everything went black. Diagnosed with PSTD, the next few years were a test. In 2004 I was still at the same job, working for the world’s largest bank. I called it my G.O.O.D. job. Get Out Of Debt. But something needed to change. It was never what I wanted to do or what I was meant to do.

I knew all too well how short life was and that anything I wanted I was going to have to work damn hard to get. For years, I had been hoarding frequent flier miles and we had decided when we had enough we would go on a trip to Bali and Lombok for our first trip to South East Asia Then the Bali bombings happened and re-routed my entire life.
We decided to go to Thailand instead. Just a 3-week holiday. In the planning stages, I realized that what I’d like to do is quit my job and do volunteer work in SEA. I told my boss and he offered me a 6-month leave of absence because I was doing volunteer work.

When we arrived in the bustling, chaotic, humid metropolis of Bangkok, I felt like I’d come home.
The rest is history. I did go back to the bank but it was only a short time before I was itching to get back out there and explore. So, I did. I knew that while I was ready to start TTC, K was not. She wanted to get her MBA and get settled in her career. I wanted that for her. The best thing for us was for me to keep doing what I was doing while I waited. She’s 8 years younger than me. I had no right to expect her to be ready for a child when I certainly wasn’t at her age. It took a long time for both of us to feel ‘ready’. Longer, it seems than (most) the bloggers out here.

I’m consistently amazed at the number of women in their 20’s who are ‘ready’. I was in no way ready for children in my 20’s!! I mean, I had a great time partying like a rock star and I have no regrets, but children were never part of my equation. Before I came out I was engaged and felt certain I’d have children. But when that relationship ended, I packed that box up. Literally–I’d bought tons of baby things–all of which I still have 20 years later, tags on and all. For the longest time I didn’t think I’d have children. Indeed, I don’t remember my baby-making / biological clock start ticking again until age 35.

And so, 26 countries later–we were both ready to start! I try not to have any regrets, because I had some amazing years ‘waiting’ and we are both in such a better place to have children than we would’ve been 3-5 years ago. We have had a lot of fun together K and I, but our life was not well-suited for bringing a child into the world. Now, the late bloomers we are, we feel grown up enough to do this.