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July 30, 2008

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The "Pretending I’m Ma.donna" Workout

After every BFN, I’ve tried a handful of different things to cope with yet another negative.  But the “Pretending I’m Ma.donna” workout is the best thing yet.

Exercise, in general, always makes me feel better and I’d have to say since I’m more aware of my body than I’ve probably ever been in my life,  working out has been elevated to the top of my ‘must do’ list.  It makes me feel good and in control of something when so much of this process require you let go of control.  I like control.
We we first started talking about TTC, I spent the next year collecting information and fine tuning my body.  I wanted to be in the best shape possible before I got pregnant.  
I also made a promise to myself that I would do everything in my power to not gain weight during this process.
And I was all good….until the progesterone.

When I was a freshman in High School my mom left an abusive marriage, my brother was growing weed in the backyard and I was sent to live with distant relatives far away.
I remember being miserable and the only way to soothe myself was watching MTV all day long in the basement and eating my way through the summer.
That fall I started my sophomore year in a new school, new town and 25 lbs heavier.
I was miserable in a whole new way.
After HS and moving far, far away, all of the weight and the misery came off–but it took me making some incredible life changes.  Eating healthy foods and exercising were not things that came intuitively to me and growing up I had no role models to learn from.

Learning how to be healthy rather than being skinny has been a constant work in progress since those days.  In the past, it would be so easy for me to curtail food and not work out in order to compensate for a slight weight gain.  But that wasn’t healthy for me and slowly I re-learned my relationship with food.  For while I was a vegetarian, once I cut out all sugars, over time I stopped drinking soda.  I studied nutrition and I loved learning about healthy ways of living.

So for awhile I’d felt like I’d really conquered this TTC/weight gain.  Then came the fertility drugs and the night I put on my favorite summer white pants and almost cried.
The BLOAT.  My panic.  The voice in my head saying I’m fat.  Knowing I’m not fat, I’m just bloated.  And maybe just a little bit fatter.
I wore them anyway and was miserable all through the meal.  But it didn’t stop me from ordering dessert.  I didn’t want to get on the scale, but I did.
It wasn’t much, just a few pounds, but enough to make me freak out because it’s the most weight I’ve gained in almost 20 years.  When I gain a few pounds, my clothes don’t fit.  We’re not talking 10 lbs, we’re talking a few pounds.  I cannot afford a new wardrobe nor do I want one. 

Yes, I have issues with body image.

So when I got that BFN, I sat around for a couple of hours and then picked myself up, put my workout mix on my iPod and hit the gym for my “Pretending I’m Madonna” workout.  I did 90 minutes of yoga, 30 minutes of cardio and followed that by weights and abs for a 2.5 hour workout.
It was great!  And I kept it up the next day and through the weekend.  
And Monday…I wore the white pants to work!  Happy Happy Joy Joy!
I know I can’t stave off the bloat and the few pounds that seem to creep on during the TWW, but I can work like hell to negate those effects during the non-TWW and that’s what I intend to do.

I will not let this get me.
In my twisted mind of skinny women and NY models, if M.adonna can do it, I can do it.
That’s so unrealistic, I know.  It’s her job to work out and look good.
But right now, it’s making my clothes fit.