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August 14, 2008

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One Week Down and Grateful

That was fast. I always find the first week is faster. Do you?

Fire Island was fantastic. There are no cars, no roads and it’s such a peaceful and relaxing place. You walk off the ferry and feel an instant “Ahhhhhh.” It was so good to see our friends and spend a couple of days at the beach. We had an amazing ‘anniversary’ weekend filled with love and laughter. We ate lobster rolls and took long walks on the beach. In the evenings we grilled out on the patio and ate under the stars–stars we never see in Manhattan and oh how I miss them. Late at night we’d go for ice cream and walk down to the beach to watch as the orange moon rose on the horizon.

They asked about the baby making plans and I obliged by telling them any and all details they wanted. Everyone is excited and very supportive, plus we were told many times how great we are together and what an amazing team we are.
I feel that way too and I’m glad others notice it.

Kate and I have been through a LOT in our 8 years together and it’s so nice to know that through it all, we have developed a healthy, working relationship with one another filled with friendship, love, and much, much laughter. Marriage is hard, hard work and without all the years of working through things, I don’t think we’d be handling the TTC process so well. I can’t imagine doing this in the early years! This process has only brought us closer together. I can’t even remember the last time we quarreled (small tiffs, yes; full blown fights, no).
For me, I try to focus on the amazing life we have right here, right now and not dwell too much on what we don’t have or want. We have everything we need.

We both know that we are not in charge here. There’s a higher power out there and we cannot control when we get pregnant. Ultimately, we hope to have a baby. It may be mine, it may be hers, it may be me carrying hers, it may be adopted but the end result will be that we have a child.
And if, just IF, we do not, life will go on. I have gone through nearly 40 years child-free (ouch I think I just sprained my finger typing that. Fuck. 40?) and while I’d really love to have children, I’m sure I can get through 40 more without one.
The more I remind myself that I am not in charge, the easier this process is. Letting go is a difficult thing for me to do and this has been the ultimate exercise in demonstrating my untapped strength.

We are really blessed to have such a wonderful life. I’m either pregnant right now or I’m not.
I really feel like I could be, but if not we’re off to LLN (Land of Lots of Needles aka IVF).
Either way, I can handle it.
Having some amazing travels coming up helps a lot! This was a good time to plan a vacation!