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August 30, 2008

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Up or Down? Down, Please.

This morning, Dr VID, due to my lack of spotting in the past couple of days…is thinking I might be having a uterine based miscarriage rather than an ectopic/tubal pregnancy. 

He spent a lot of time up my hoo-ha with the dildo cam looking for a sac, but it’s just so early and incredibly difficult to tell.
We decided the best plan of action would be to come in for a D&C tomorrow morning.  Wow, I never thought I’d be having my uterus scraped on a Sunday morning when I’d planned on going to the beach.  It’s like a mini abortion and I never thought I’d be having that done.  It’s not really like that, but yeah, it sorta, kinda, is all at the same time.

Can I tell you how weird it feels to be relieved?  That hopefully we can get this done quickly and it won’t be a long, drawn-out and far more complicated process like an ectopic would have been?
He’s even cautiously optimistic that if this works and my numbers go down–I’m free to go to Indonesia.  He doesn’t need to see the numbers return to zero, just going down all next week.
Sweet Jesus.  Please go down numbers.

ETA:  Just got the numbers back from the blood draw–they are going down by themselves.  I am so happy.  Thank you body, thank you universe.  Change of plans:  Dr. VID is having me come back tomorrow morning and we’ll do another blood test at 8am.  They will rush the results and I should know by 8:30.  If they are still going down by themselves–no D&C.  If not, I’m in for a 9am appointment.

Thinking positive and optimistically–We’re taking our beach bag to the clinic and if the results are good, we’re going to the beach.  And hopefully–next week we’ll be on the beach in Bali. 
Because really, who doesn’t need a freaking vacation after 8 months of TTC, getting pregnant and having a miscarriage?
I guess the universe wants me to go scuba diving after all.
Uncategorized

So Far, Zen

I’m OK, K is OK.  We are handling things with a sense of calm.  I cried my tears on Thursday all alone and by the time K came home, I just wanted to get on with it.  Whatever it was.

Although I ‘could’ve’ gone away to Montreal–I’m so glad I choose not to go because the trip would have just delayed the question of “what now” and I needed to be at home and with K.

I spent most of the day Friday in the house reading a book and listening to French music.  I’d made some amazing (if I do say so myself!) CD’s of old and new French music.  We were supposed to be listening to these tunes all weekend with our friends and having a great time reliving good times and reminiscing about the old times.  That plan foiled, I cranked up the music and danced in the living room, at times with the cat, other times with K.  And I was happy.

Whatever is happening is going to happen.  I cannot control it.  There is no one to be angry with–I did everything I could.  I have treated my body, mind and soul like a temple throughout this entire process and I have done nothing wrong.  My body has NOT failed me.  It just simply isn’t meant to happen right now.  For whatever reason.  I don’t know.  It doesn’t matter.  It just ‘is’.  The sooner we accept that we will never know the ‘why’, the more peaceful our lives will be.

I’m glad that we only had a week.  And in that week, I had really only believed I was truly pregnant for one day with absoluteness.  It makes it easier.  I think since the first test came back–we were cautiously optimistic but realistic.  We knew the numbers were low and we are both very pragmatic.  This has made the news less of a blow because while we’d hoped things would turn, we also knew very well they might go the other way.  It’s like I’ve had one foot in and one foot out–just waiting to know which way to go.  Now I know.

My faithful gay blog reader invited us over for dinner that night and it was exactly what I needed.  K hadn’t been able to get me out of the house all day–not even to go to the gym!–so I showered and we walked up to his house.  It was a beautiful night, he made a lovely dinner and we while we were able to talk about everything that is happening and what we are going through, we were able to have other conversations that had nothing to do with all of this.  
He mentioned how Zen I was being which I needed to hear.  I thought perhaps I simply was choosing not to deal with it.  But he assured me there’s a big difference between not dealing and accepting.  I suppose all those years in a Buddhist country have rubbed off on me.

The evening ended with perfection–raspberries and The Daily Show on TV.  We have no TV, did I mention that?  Nope, ours broke in January and we decided to just go without one.  I’ve never bought a TV my entire life…they have always just somehow come to me…so I’ve been waiting for another one to come my way…but it’s not happening!
K was totally smitten with his new flat screen, shining beacon of non-stop, time-wasting machinery and decided that she will use some of her bonus money and by God make us true Americans!
So, while we’ve missed the Olympics and the DNC, at least I won’t miss the new season of “The Amazing Race”, haha!

That’s all for now.  I stopped the progesterone Thursday night, so the bloating is starting to decrease.  Blood testing will be tomorrow morning followed by meeting with Dr. VID for the dildo cam and Q & A.