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August 2008

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Donor Drama

So….last month when I found out I was not pregnant, the first thing I did was go on a search for a new sperm donor. I found him and by 10am I had checked it off my list and headed to the gym.

K, at work, was fine by the choice–she generally trusts I’m making the right decision and just wants to hear the main points/highlights. It’s not that she doesn’t care about the details, she just hates the research and finding of the details and I love that shit. We had a great weekend together, even going so far as telling a few people that we were choosing a new donor and oh wasn’t it great, joy joy.
By that Sunday night I had the novel idea that ‘hey, why don’t we sit down together and go over all of his information, ‘audio interview, lengthy family history’, you know. And once we did…all was not so rosy in donor land.

Let’s just say in my haste to find something/someone to blame and solve my problem of not getting pregnant, I looked over some things because I wanted the new donor to be the one. And upon closer examination, he was not the one after all.
We then decided to have another look at our old guy, Seth (not his real name!). What was it about him that was making me want to switch? To my horror, I saw that we’d never even ordered his audio interview or baby photo?!? Was it not available then? I can’t imagine how we overlooked these details other than that I was probably too cheap to spend the money on it back in February. Now…I want all the information and I’m willing to pay for it.
Well those two pieces of information paid off and won me back. We were staying with Seth. There was one more vial at the RE and 6 more on ice at CCB. Things felt good and I spent the next week secure in the knowledge that we had a donor both of us really wanted.

Later, I had a nice, long talk with the Doc and I questioned how does one know when to switch donors? Unfortunately with IUI’s there’s no clear data that shows switching donors increases the chances. You hear about the women who switched and got pregnant but you don’t hear about the others who didn’t. Plus, who is to say that they wouldn’t have gotten pregnant regardless that cycle, maybe it was just their time? In short, no clear answers.
We talked about Seth’s sperm, his counts, etc. He’s had other pregnancies, his motility is good and the speed of his swimmers is excellent–but his counts are only average, or ‘adequate’ as my Doc put it gently.

But isn’t that the Cryobank’s fault for not given us more?? I seriously think they sell off the bare minimum because they have to guarantee 10 million. You want more? Buy another vial. We’ve always had the 10 million, but only as high as 16 million. That sounded great until I heard of others getting 22 million. WTF?? I feel so cheated. I’ve heard others here complain about the counts of their donors from CCB, so it just makes me wonder…..

If this IUI cycle doesn’t work…we’re not only on to IVF, but we have to find another donor. We discovered that stupidly, we’d bought 12 vials of IUI ONLY and well…we may very well need IVF. The good news is that CCB will buy back the five remaining vials at 1/2 price. My stomach almost goes into convulsions thinking of the wasted money ($1400?? Gagging now…). I hate wasting money pretty much more than anything.
There was a beacon of hope on August 12th, because our donor was coming back ONE LAST TIME and he maybe he would give off some IVF quality swimmers. I’m not quite sure how that all works…but that’s what they said. I called. No IVF swimmers and now our donor has retired.

If I’m not pregnant this month, we have to change donors one way or another. The thought of going through all of that again and wasting so much money makes me crazy.
But it is what it is. Right?

This is the last weekend that K and I are home for the next six weekends so I’m feeling a little pushed for time to get everything done in regards to traveling. We have two 4-day weekends and then it’s off to Indonesia.
And now, to know that come Aug. 22, I may be on a new donor search as well…argh.

I can do this. I can do this.
You know what? I’ll find someone even BETTER than our current donor. And all will be right with the world…

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One Week Down and Grateful

That was fast. I always find the first week is faster. Do you?

Fire Island was fantastic. There are no cars, no roads and it’s such a peaceful and relaxing place. You walk off the ferry and feel an instant “Ahhhhhh.” It was so good to see our friends and spend a couple of days at the beach. We had an amazing ‘anniversary’ weekend filled with love and laughter. We ate lobster rolls and took long walks on the beach. In the evenings we grilled out on the patio and ate under the stars–stars we never see in Manhattan and oh how I miss them. Late at night we’d go for ice cream and walk down to the beach to watch as the orange moon rose on the horizon.

They asked about the baby making plans and I obliged by telling them any and all details they wanted. Everyone is excited and very supportive, plus we were told many times how great we are together and what an amazing team we are.
I feel that way too and I’m glad others notice it.

Kate and I have been through a LOT in our 8 years together and it’s so nice to know that through it all, we have developed a healthy, working relationship with one another filled with friendship, love, and much, much laughter. Marriage is hard, hard work and without all the years of working through things, I don’t think we’d be handling the TTC process so well. I can’t imagine doing this in the early years! This process has only brought us closer together. I can’t even remember the last time we quarreled (small tiffs, yes; full blown fights, no).
For me, I try to focus on the amazing life we have right here, right now and not dwell too much on what we don’t have or want. We have everything we need.

We both know that we are not in charge here. There’s a higher power out there and we cannot control when we get pregnant. Ultimately, we hope to have a baby. It may be mine, it may be hers, it may be me carrying hers, it may be adopted but the end result will be that we have a child.
And if, just IF, we do not, life will go on. I have gone through nearly 40 years child-free (ouch I think I just sprained my finger typing that. Fuck. 40?) and while I’d really love to have children, I’m sure I can get through 40 more without one.
The more I remind myself that I am not in charge, the easier this process is. Letting go is a difficult thing for me to do and this has been the ultimate exercise in demonstrating my untapped strength.

We are really blessed to have such a wonderful life. I’m either pregnant right now or I’m not.
I really feel like I could be, but if not we’re off to LLN (Land of Lots of Needles aka IVF).
Either way, I can handle it.
Having some amazing travels coming up helps a lot! This was a good time to plan a vacation!

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Eight Years. 8.8.08

We’ve been together eight years today and what a great date it is today: 8.8.08

We were married on 6.5.04, so I feel lucky all around in the numbers department.
It’s so hard to believe, it’s gone by so fast.

Fridays we normally both work from home, which means I check email on my Crackberry while running errands and getting my hair done.  My stylist is 9 months pregnant and about to pop any day now, so I had her very swollen belly pushing into me for hours.  Later, I got to feel him kick and move around.  It was awesome and can only mean good luck, right?

Tonight we splurged for dinner and had the most delicious tasting menu.  When we arrived, K had even ordered flowers for the table and five luscious pink roses awaited me.  We’ll spend the rest of the weekend at a friend’s house here, reading, relaxing and soaking up some summer sun.

I love you so much baby, thanks for a great anniversary weekend.
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28 Million Boyz

There are 28 million sperm inside me in various life forms right now.  Some dead, others alive, some probably too stupid to swim forwards (they are men at the end of the day) and hopefully at least ONE going headfirst in the right direction and attacking ONE of my 4 or 5 eggs.  I mean please, boyz, it’s much easier this month.  Get it right, ok?

Yesterday my good luck fertility charms came in the form of Olive and L Babypants whom I had the pleasure of eating a lovely sushi lunch with just hours before IUI #1 (nice to get sushi in one last time!).

They are both wonderful and it was great Olive could squeeze in a lunch during her time here in our fine city.
My nurse said all systems looked great and again expressed surprise at how well I responded to the Clo.mid.

I bought a pineapple on the way home and tried to eat some.  Now, I did this last month and it was all “Oh yum, pineapple.  How I love you.  Chomp, chomp”  That was before I found out that the deal with the pineapple is that you are supposed to leave the core in it!  WTF people????!!!!  Who eats pineapple with the core???  So now it’s all, “Oh pineapple, yum, chomp, chomp, oh shit there’s the core, Gag Gag.”  The anticipation of when I will get the core has taken all of the fun out of pineapple eating.  Not Yummy.
Went to bed early with socks on feet.

This morning it was back to the clinic…with my lucky summer white pants on!  Yes, I figured it was probably the last day I was going to be able to wear them for awhile because soon the progesterone will bloat and distort my stomach and possibly make me cry about it.  But for today, they fit.
The sperm count today was even higher than yesterday and I still had lovely EWCV and a great looking cervix for IUI #2.  My sweet nurse insisted that “If you get pregnant this cycle, it’s all you, it had nothing to do with us and I really hope this is it for you!”  Woo and Hoo.

Afterwards I headed to the office for a meeting with our CEO, followed by a 3-course lunch at a very expensive restaurant.  I admit that after lunch I wanted nothing more than to ditch my stupid white pants in the street and walk home naked.  Almost.
Seriously, I was starting to cramp up and I don’t know if it was the ovulation pains or the IUI’s or the tight pants or just too much food or a combination of everything, but it hurt!

By 5pm, I felt like a waddling, stuffed platypus making her way down the streets.  It hurt so much to walk that old ladies were passing me.  Slowly I made my way to my acupuncturist for some post IUI needle-lovin’ who once again gushed that I am her poster child for a most excellent cycle on Cl.omid.

All this talk is making my head big and has me thinking that I might actually get pregnant.  It’s a nice feeling and a dangerous feeling all at the same time.

Now I’m just chilling at home with the cats…waiting for the night to come and my love flies back home to me.
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Always Advocate for Yourself

The conversation yesterday went something like this:


“I’d like to do the trigger shot myself so I could better time the IUI.  In fact, I want to do two IUI’s.”

“Our research has shown that one well-timed IUI is just as effective as two back to back IUI’s”

“My research has shown that your one well-timed IUI isn’t getting me pregnant, so let’s try something new, shall we?”

And did I get those IUI’s I wanted scheduled outside their ‘normal’ hours?  Damn right I did.
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Full of Follies, Full of Hope–Day 13

And then there were five. I was told three times today that I’m an excellent responder to Cl.omid, so I’m allowing myself to feel hopeful this time around. Plus, I didn’t have a single side effect with the hormones this month, despite the dosage being doubled–in fact I lost weight. I’m giving my workouts all the credit. If exercise can stave off depression, maybe it wards away the evil Clo.mid spirits, too.


I have 3 follicles on my right: 22, 20, 16 and 2 on my left: 18 and 13. I doubt the 13 will make it…but you never know. Lining looks great, a little thinner, but fine. The blood results showed I wasn’t surging yet, so I felt confident about holding off on the trigger. Had I known the drugs were this good, I would’ve tried them sooner.

Based on the answers I got--thank you so much everyone–and going over my chart with my acupuncturist, we decided to go with 2 IUI’s. She says my chart these last two months on the Clom.id are the best she’s ever seen for me, so again, I have lots of hope.

The bonus bundle of hope came tonight in the form EWCM. Always nice to see you.

The tricky part was the trigger shot. I usually have them do it at the clinic, but that didn’t work for timing. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to give myself a shot in the ass, so I called a friend and bless her heart–she agreed, even though she’s never given anyone an injection. My clinic has videos on their website on how to give any kind of injection, so we glued ourselves to the laptop until we felt confident we knew what we were doing. It was so nerve-wracking!! By 9:30pm, I was triggered and she was so awesome! It really does take a village!

And now: I have IUI #1 at 3pm Wed (18 hrs) and IUI #2 at 9am Thursday (36 hrs).

I don’t know that I’ve ever had a cycle that I felt this good about. This is a very nice feeling.
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Here’s Where I Need (some of) Your Advice

Not that I don’t love all of you and seriously I do. No really, let’s talk about that for a minute:

I am so grateful for the abundance of well wishes that come my way. I have no idea who everyone is out there reading my crazy blog, but I’m astonished there are so many. Thank you for reading, for playing my silly travel trivia games, for listening to the mundane details of my life and for leaving encouraging comments when I write something you like or relate to. Thank You.

Right now, I’ve hit that point where (most of) my friends IRL aren’t asking me anymore how it’s going. I think they don’t know what to say. One of my BFF’s and I had dinner last week–she who accidentally got pregnant–and as I was telling her everything, she just looked so…I don’t know, many parts of shock/guilt/uncomfortable. She is such a great friend to keep asking and patiently listening to all of the details, but she can’t relate AT ALL.
But you can. So thank you for just being there.

I need some advice. I’d like to change things up this last IUI cycle. It’s cycle #6. I took Cl.omid 100 mg Days 5-9 and am currently on Day 12. According to my blood and U/S follicle check (there were, gulp, FOUR), I could very well trigger tomorrow (Tuesday).
I have consistently done the trigger around 9am and the IUI at 11am/12pm the next day which is only 26-27 hours. Most everything says you’ll ovulate within 24-36 hours after the trigger…so maybe I need to do it more around 30-34 hours?
I know those frozen guys don’t last long…
Also this month–just to change it up, why the hell not as it’s the last shot before starting IVF…we’re using two vials of our boyz. His counts have been ‘adequate’ between 10-14 million, but I need more than adequate this time. I haven’t decided whether I should do two vials and one IUI or two IUI’s….oh the uncertainty.
Depending on the timing, I may have to shoot myself in the ass. I am not looking forward to that, but I can do it.

Question: For those of you who used a trigger shot and did an IUI AND got pregnant, when did you trigger and when did you do the IUI?
How many IUI’s did you do?

Thanks!!!

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Why I Hate Meetings

Because I just cannot concentrate and I don’t have that much to say.  I try so hard and look alert and say all the right things, but mentally I wander…


“OK, I’m in a meeting, concentrate.  It’s really cold in here, I wonder if this jacket is going to keep me warm enough for the next hour.  I hate being cold.  Keep making eye contact.  Not too much, you don’t want to just stare at her.  I wonder if I’m pregnant.  I could be pregnant, right?  Oh shit, no I can’t.  I haven’t had an IUI yet.  Definitely not pregnant.  But maybe I’ll get pregnant this time.  Why are they talking so much?  This project is boring. There’s not that much to talk about.  I wish I had another job.  Oh shit, I just tried to stifle a yawn but a little came out.  I hope they didn’t see me.  Participate, nod your head, say ‘right, right’.  I need to call my RE.  We need to talk.  I’m going to end up doing IVF, aren’t I?  That sucks.  Actually the needles suck.  I’m very scared of the needles.  Look alert!  Oh look, they have coffee, I wish I had some coffee.  I bet if I had coffee I’d talk more.  I wonder if I had more to say when I was caffeinated? Shit, they’re both looking at me.  What did I miss?  Fuck.  Oh nothing, good.  Wow, I must’ve really spaced out that time.   Hey, window washers, hi guys!  Be careful.  That looks dangerous.  I’m glad I’m not a window washer.  That must be really fun looking in on everyone in their windows though.  That’s kind of cool. I wonder what time it is.  Holy shit, it’s only been 22 minutes.  Damn.”

I cannot wait for this day to be over…because K flies home tonight and tomorrow we both work from home!!!