Monthly Archives

October 2008


I’m Special

Me and H.P. had a nice long talk last night. That would be my higher power. I confessed that this was now getting a little harder and to send me a sign, any sign of what was going on.

When we finished talking, I got up to go to the bathroom and had started bleeding. Right through the progesterone.
So, the sign was to go ahead and sleep in rather than get my ass up too damn early on a cold morning and take a blood test at the big fancy clinic? I slept in.
This morning I had to go to the drugstore anyway, so I went ahead and picked up an HPT, just to waste money.

The RE and I have had our little BFN talk and this is the part where I’m special: I’m going back to Clomid. Yes, it seems I’m the only woman to ever try IVF and go back to Clomid (ok, maybe not the only one, but you find me another one. My acupuncturist has never heard of such a thing either). I’m telling you, I was the Clomid poster child and it got me pregnant once. Remember when I told you I was having a massage in Bali and I heard a voice telling me to do another round of Clomid? Yeah. Listen to your inner voice kids, even the crazy voices usually have a message.

I don’t know about you but dancing with wild abandon in my living room always makes me feel better no matter what. That, and cooking. So, I’ve made a delicious soup and in between stirring, danced like my life depended on it–hair flinging all around and I think at one point some spit even flew out of my mouth.
I leave you with the video for L.e Ti.gre so you can see if it works for you and the soup recipe which is perfect for these cool days.

Parsley Potato Soup

Delicious, nutritious, and freezes well.
4 cups potatoes, peeled and cubed
4 slices bacon
1 large onion, chopped
½ cup chopped celery
¼ cup fresh chopped parsley or 1/3 cup dry parsley
4 cups chicken stock
2 cups milk or half and half
3 tablespoons cornstarch
Salt and pepper to taste
½ teaspoon nutmeg
Fresh parsley for garnish

Pour chicken stock into saucepan and heat on medium. Meanwhile fry bacon until crisp. Remove from pan and crumble into warmed stock. Saute onion and celery in the bacon fat until golden then add to saucepan along with potatoes and parsley. Bring to a boil and cover and simmer until tender. Stir in the milk and continue cooking until hot but do not allow it to boil. Mix cornstarch in a small cup with 2 tablespoons of water. Add this to the soup continuing to cook and stir until thickened. Add the nutmeg and add salt and pepper to taste. Enjoy!


Dexter Thinks I’m Pregnant and Other News

Me and Dexter, we had a lot to say.  Dexter is from Trinidad and I’m from the Midwest and we talked about politics and the election and the shitty state of the world and that turned into ways to save money in this current economic crisis and then…we were talking about alcohol.

And how expensive it is.  And how I don’t drink anymore so I save a lot of money on alcohol.

“Really, you don’t drink at all?  Not even wine? Why not?”
“Health reasons.”
“Oh yeah, you are a super healthy kind of girl?”
“Well, yes, but….”
And then I thought, what the hell?  Maybe it was from being in the house for almost 48 hours, but I told Dexter I was trying to get pregnant.  And he said, without blinking:
“Oh yeah?  The old-fashioned way or artificial insemination?”  (We aren’t rainbow flag type of girls, but I guess he saw the wedding photos….)
Me, totally Blinking, “Um, artificial insemination.”
“Oh yeah, that’s good!  My wife and I did that.  How’s that going for you?”
“Well, not too good, I’m not pregnant yet.”

This turned into a conversation where Dexter told me without hesitation how he and his wife tried to have a baby for 3 years, she had 2 miscarriages and finally they went to “that Jewish hospital by Union Square” where they took his sperm, spun it in tube, put it on his wife’s eggs and then put everything back in her body.
“Your wife did IVF?”
“I don’t remember what you call it, but yes, I think that’s it.  And now our daughter is one month old today!  Anyway, I think you are pregnant.  I hope you are.  It’s great you are doing this.  I can tell from talking to you that you are going to be a very good mother, very responsible and aware kind of mother. Good luck to you.”

Wow.  You just never know where you’re going to get support.  The most unlikely places seem to creep up just when you need them.

PS-I got the TV just in time to see the 30 minute Obama special.  He is so powerful.  Did anyone else bawl their heads off or was that just me?
I also cried at a commercial for a Bora Bora hotel chain.
TV is so beautiful.  I’m ready for winter now.

PSS–I finally made it out of the house to get milk.  The deli guy was having a crappy night and yelling at someone on the phone, so when he handed me my change, I said thank you in Arabic and the biggest smile broke out on his face.  Then I almost cried.

It’s Just Me, Dexter and Cats

Feeling better today after sleeping for a full 10 hours.  That was nice.  My fever is gone, my back is not hurting anymore, my ears finally popped–oh the sweet relief– and my throat is feeling somewhat back to normal…with the help of loads of lemon/honey tea.

I don’t have much of an appetite and really need to eat something proper soon.

Since we got back from Indonesia and found a giant box containing brand new TV in our house–we haven’t been able to do much with it except discover that Net.Fli.x ROCKS (I have over 100 movies in the queue and I just joined) and it’s much easier to do Yoga on a 40 flat screen than a ma.c book screen!

I could really care less about TV.  Movies are fine with me and Net Fli.x could keep me busy every night.  But K wants channels!  shows!  sports!  (Even though I reminded her she lives here about 48 hours a week and doesn’t have a whole lot of time to watch anything…but…) So, we are of this moment, courtesy of Dexter, being set up with Fi.os, which I guess is like the new cable.  Don’t ask me.  Our building just got wired for it (not available everywhere) and it was a great deal.

But don’t you just love when you order something and not only is there a 4 week period between ordering a service and getting said service, but then they tell you someone will be there between 8am-5pm??
Really?  You can’t be more specific than that?!  Dexter showed up around 11am and he’s a perfectly nice guy, but no one told me that I needed to have my entire walk in closet completely emptied out or that I’d be spending the next 6-8 HOURS with Dexter?!?!  I did NOT want to be cleaning out a closet today, no. no. no.

The bright side is that I get to speak out loud to a real, live human being; there are no longer any dust bunnies in my closet and tonight I can join the masses of American TV zombies.
Good times.

Oh and tomorrow I guess I’ll test.  Why not?  I have to leave the house sooner or later…


The problem with being pregnant before is that you know what it feels like to be pregnant. Although we’ve all been told every pregnancy is different–it’s hard not to compare.  That’s exactly what I’ve been doing–comparing.

I’m either at 13/14 DPO depending on who is counting.  I thought about testing today but I’m sick at home.
I woke up yesterday with a scratchy, itchy sore throat and found myself sucking on Vitamin C drops all day.  Later that afternoon I developed a headache…the headache that usually comes before AF… except then I realized I also got a headache before I found out I was pregnant.  So, headaches and sore bb’s are completely useless indicators of if one is pregnant or about to bleed.
I went to acupuncture last night thinking it would probably help my headache at least and not only was it the worst session I think I’ve ever had, my head was pounding when I left.
Canceling the plans I’d had to go see a friend, I went home and stood in the kitchen at 7:30 totally convinced I might die.
Breaking down I finally took Tylenol and thank G*d starting feeling some sort of relief.  I even managed to eat dinner and drink some lemon tea before collapsing into bed.

This morning I could care less to test–it’s the last thing I’m thinking about.
I’ve been laying in my bed with the cats most of the day with a heating pad on my back because it feels like it’s breaking.
My ears hurt, my head is stuffy, my throat is dry, I have a fever and I need a massage.
This is when it sure would be nice if the other puffer came home at night.  I miss her.
Thank G*d I live in NYC where you can get delivery for anything and never leave the house.
Now where can I get a massage lady to come over who is not going to try to give me a h.appy ending…

A Fortune Teller Told Me (This is long, she told me a lot)

A few weeks ago Queerstork was in NYC and went to a physic who sounded…legit. I was so intrigued I got the information from her and went to see her myself.

Let me say this:  She’s good.

I walked up a dingy staircase in Brooklyn, was greeted by a 7 year old and the smell of stale smoke.  “Susan” , the mother, introduced herself, brought me into her reading room, a beautiful cat jumped up on my lap and I forgot about the Marlboro Red’s.
I did a 1/2 deck of tarot cards, cut the deck myself.  She asked my name, nothing else, and asked how long it had been since I’d had a reading.  I told her a very long time (15 years, but didn’t say this).

She nailed just about everything (I took notes):

  • I’ll live to 85-86 years (We have good long-life genes on my dad’s side and I am super healthy, so I think this is plausible.  Need to save more money for retirement)
  • I’ve never had any sickness or health issues (very true)
  • I currently have pain in my back and stomach–probably from stress (true-I’ve had so much lower back pain lately, I often lie in bed with a heating pad at night before falling asleep.  My stomach has been experiencing some weird cramps that I am hoping are due to Blast)
  • The past 3 months have been really hard for me (do ya think?  Miscarriage, IVF cycle cancelled…yeah.  On the other hand, I got married again and had an amazing vacation…)
  • August in particular was a very bad month for you (I think I started to sweat when she said this)
  • No one has been there for you and you’ve learned this the hard way (My entire life, yes.  In fact my therapist was just discussing this last night)
  • August you were depressed (no, then yes, then no, then yes again)
  • You have a strong personality (reallllly???) strong opinions (mmm hmmm) 
  • Lawyer–why am I not a lawyer? (so many ppl have told me I would’ve been a great lawyer)
  • You have a strong tongue.  When people ask you for advice they really mean it because they know you will tell them (For better or worse.  Don’t ask me if your ass looks fat in those jeans if you really don’t want to know.  My friends always say they come to me when they really want to know the truth)
  • I’ve been worried about money, but I need to give myself a break because I am financially OK (yes, well, except the possibility of multiple IVF’s or that we just nationalized our banks and could be facing a depression, I don’t think I’ve been that worried–but she’s right, we are totally OK)
  • In about 3 weeks I should have some relief about thinking about money (right about the time our bonus checks are supposed to be handed out…)
  • I am not a miserable person nor a bitter person (yeehaw!)
  • There is travel in my future (isn’t there always?), but she sees it in late December (well, I hardly call going to the Catskills for Xmas ‘travel’, but I think this one is easy to ‘predict’ as a lot of people do travel at this time.  K–do you have a surprise vacation planned for me?  Somewhere WARM maybe?  I hate winter.)
  • I have a lot of good opportunities coming up work-wise in the next 4 months.  Lots of responsibilities and challenges (OK, cuz right now my work is just fine, but it’s a stretch to call it good or challenging.  On the other hard, I was just looking at job listings yesterday…for the first time in a year)
  • I’ve haven’t been getting enough sleep and am feeling tired (true)
  • Even on the nights that I get 8 hours I am feeling exhausted (true)
  • When my body sleeps, my mind wanders excessively and keeps me distracted (um, yeah, have you read about some of my crazy dreams?)
  • I need to take warm baths and relax, try not to let the stress get to me (I love baths!)
  • Usually I am a very social person, but lately I’ve found myself alone alot and I don’t like it (true.  K, please come home soon.)
  • Someone named Debbie is very close to me, hovering around me all the time, her energy in the room now (my cousin Debra died of breast cancer at 34 and I had a breast exam 2 weeks ago.  She has been on my mind on and off, but I don’t think about her that much.  Very weird.  I don’t know any other Debbie’s….)
  • My mother’s health is fine (true)
  • I’m a hardworking girl but I need to take it easier on myself (I have crazy high expectations, true)
  • She came back to finances again saying they looked very good for the future, I would always be taken care of (wow, that’s quite a change from my past–good to know)
  • I would be moving in 3 years and would be buying a place  (quite possible)
  • November my energy wheel is turning in a great direction (why not?)
  • Tuesdays are the best days for me to make decisions (I do go to therapy on Tuesdays….)
  • 996 is my lucky number 
  • There’s a court date in my future but everything will turn out just fine (adoption???)
  • There was a man in my life long ago.  I was in love with him and there was a lot of drama regarding this relationship (yes, yes and yes.  I broke up our engagement b/c I was in love with a woman)
  • She ‘sees’ 2 kids in my future–2 boys.  No girls.  (Note:  she did not say I would be pregnant, she said she saw children in my future)
  • My appetite has not been as usual and I need to make sure I am eating more (all true)
  • I have very high intuition and some psychic abilities (agreed)

Here’s where she missed the mark:

  • I was supposed to get pregnant at age 23.  Is it possible I could’ve had a miscarriage? (I don’t think I had sex with men that year…so no)
  • I was supposed to meet a man this year…dark hair, light eyes, works in real estate (I don’t think so…)

She never picked up on the lesbian thing (granted my lesbian ‘thing’ registers a zero to just about everyone, including lesbians) nor the fact that there was a strong possibility I was already married as I was wearing a wedding ring.

She asked how long ago I had broken off the relationship with the man and I told her almost 20 years ago to which she said “Oh my, I thought you were about 25! Wow!  Whatever you are doing, keep it up.”  So, of course, I love her–cigarettes and all.

I then told her that I was a lesbian, had a miscarriage in August and was TTC.  I asked her about getting pregnant.
She assured me she see two kids.  I said, “but maybe not mine, maybe my partners”?  She said, “I see two children, think positive.  You’ll have more answers in the next 3 months.”

Hmmm….for $20, it was worth it.

Dear Blast

Oh Little Blastocyst,

You have been tumbling around my uterus for about 7 days now, dividing and becoming more beautiful.  I think I feel you.
If you want to burrow so deeply that it causes me to see a little blood, I won’t mind.  I would gladly put on a pantyliner for you, Blast.
I’ll do anything you want.  I’m all yours.

The Mommy

Tips for Thinking Positive

Because it was requested, here is a sample of what helps me:

“The only way to attract what you desire in life is to allow yourself to understand what it would feel like to have what you want. Allow yourself to believe that you will have it, that you deserve it. Remember, whatever you focus on will manifest into your conscious.

The secret of attracting abundance and prosperity in your life is simple. Do not focus on what you don’t have. Focus on what you want.

Refuse all negative thoughts. When a negative thought comes into your life. Tell yourself with strength: Stop! Immediately, turn that thought into positive ones. (Goodness, beauty, love, gratitude, happiness).

Affirmations should always be said with confidence, determination and as if they have already happened. Try writing your “intentions”, (i.e. affirmations) down on note cards. Place them in convenient locations where you can see them throughout the day. Saying them out loud in front of a mirror supposedly super charges the affirmation.

Affirmations can change a person’s perceptions of themselves. They can, ultimately, modify the way the subconscious works. Therefore, it is imperative to be “conscious of your thoughts” at all times. Because, your thoughts will and do become your reality.”

Affirmation examples:

  • There is nothing in the world that I cannot handle.
  • All things come to me for a purpose.
  • My body is a magnet.
  • Only goodness is attracted to me.
  • I am warm, soft and fertile.
  • I am loving and kind.
  • My body is in perfect balance.
  • I am in perfect health.
  • I am calm.
  • Right here, right now is exactly as it is meant to be.
  • There is nothing in the world that I cannot do.
  • I deserve everything that I need.


The progesterone has me dreaming VIVIDLY.  The first couple of nights the dreams were not pleasant at all and K got kicked for them.  Last night they were just plentiful and far out…I’d like to write them all down, but I only remember the bad ones, not the plain crazy ones.

It’s been a great week.  Because my egg retrieval was planned for the latter part of the week, K had scheduled a flight back on Tuesday night to make sure not to miss it.  After the IVF cycle was cancelled she came home anyway which has been great.  She’s a total workaholic so we haven’t gotten to spend much time together during the week, but she’s managed to make it out to dinner with me and friends every night she’s been home.  It’s been really nice and I would love it if her next project was local.  But it looks like it might be in Jamaica….which would be OK too, if I can visit for free!

Back in August during the brief days I allowed myself to believe I was pregnant, I went shopping.  One of those items, my prenatal Vinyasa Yoga DVD, came after the m/c.  But, I was too curious not to try it.  I must say–I wish I’d had this all along the TTC journey.  It is an awesome workout and one I could’ve been doing every TWW b/c if it’s safe enough for pregnant women, then it’s safe for the TWW, right?
I love it and have really enjoyed doing yoga this week.  If anyone is looking for a prenatal yoga DVD, I highly recommend buying this.

I didn’t eat the pineapple.  I’ve read it helps implantation, I’ve read it hurts implantation.  I don’t know what to believe.  
What I have done is walk, yoga, pray, eat healthy-mostly organic-warm foods, acupuncture, meditation and imagery exercises.

I’ve been reading a lot this week about causes of infertility and/or reproductive difficulties.
It’s no big surprise that chemicals in our lives are the culprits behind most everything.
I was pretty horrified when I researched all of my body products and saw how toxic they are.
This is a next step for me:  throw away all mainstream brands and incorporate the ‘safe’ ones.  I have many of these already–but I have many more that aren’t.
Check out these websites here and here if you want to know more, it’s an eye-opener.

Coffee was also high on the list of no, no’s not just during the TWW, but always as the caffeine (and other toxins) can affect your ovaries for up to 3 months.  Same with alcohol.
While I generally believe in ‘everything in moderation’, at this point–I’m getting extreme.
I cut out all decaf coffee when I learned it can have up to 18% caffeine in it.
Alcohol is no hard for me to cut out entirely, as I usually only have 1-2 drinks/month anyway.
Soda has been out for over a year–but was reinforced when I read that when diet soda containing aspartame gets too warm (ie:  on the delivery truck before it reaches the store and cooler), the aspartame turns into formaldehyde! Talk about toxic.
Mostly, I am trying my hardest to be mindful of all toxic things in my life, both chemical and my own thoughts.

I look at my donor’s baby photo almost daily-OMG, he was the cutest baby ever-and imagine a baby of my own.
I believe I am going to get pregnant again and it’s going to stick.  It could be this month, why not?  I refuse to believe anything less.  All negative thoughts are banned.
Only thinking positive.  Only believing it’s going to happen.

It’s been a great week.  I feel wonderful and powerful and positive.
And I just made fertility soup.  Yum.


Do you think I might be just a teeny weeny bit hormonal if I’m crying while watching Ma.donna videos?
Yes, I’m at work today…you know…working.


The Hardest One

I didn’t know I was going to cry, but there I was, laying down, legs propped up, 17 million more sperm doing their thing in my uterus and my ears are filling up with salty tears.

They just kept coming.
I don’t know who is in charge of this baby business but I’m really ready for my baby now.
Thank You.