Monthly Archives

October 2008


Here We Go Again

Of course the Sunday night that I need a trigger shot would be the only Sunday EVER that K has to fly out Sunday afternoon for a 7am Monday meeting in Kansashitty.  Who has 7am meetings?

I hate having to ask my friends to stab me in the ass at 10pm on a Sunday night, but the Fabulous Ms. C graciously stepped up to the task and I went to her place last night with needle loaded.
Let me just say–she ROCKS!  That girl took one minute to look at the video, led me to the bathroom and I was in and out of her apartment in 5 minutes.  AWESOME.  C?  You can come near my ass with a needle anytime (let’s keep it to once a month, shall we?).
Actually, let’s never do that again because I’m getting pregnant and we won’t need to.  Yeah.

The arrival of the new donor “Iron Man” was cause for a fair amount of stress as I didn’t know what time he would arrive and if the lab would have ample time to prepare before my 3pm IUI.
It only got worse this morning when the lab called at 8am asking for the tracking number…and I realized I never got one!  Of course, CCB is on PST and I had to wait for 3 hours to find out what was going on, but I was so scared they forgot to ship him out.
I had the day off (thanks Columbus!) so I kept myself busy with doing laundry and making some super yummy ‘fertility/pregnancy muffins’.  I was so relieved when the phone rang at 10:30am with a message that Iron Man had arrived and we were on for the IUI!  Whew!

Because this was the magic timing that worked for my BFP, I’m not changing a thing and the nurses have been great to work with me.  Iron Man’s counts were a great improvement over the previous donor and I’ve got 16.6 million sperm just waiting for the egg drop.  I also found out that my estrogen doubled and the numbers there look much better which made me very relieved.

I’ve been praying more these days–to what, to whom–I don’t really know?  I don’t follow a religion, but I identify with spirituality and I believe that prayer can work.  At least the power of positive thinking is better for the mind.  So, from now on I am trying to only think positive thoughts–I CAN get pregnant, I am GOING to get pregnant, I WILL have a healthy baby.

I Love My Friends

In spite of the cancelled IVF cycle, we gathered ourselves up and continued on with our Saturday night plans.
We have a couple of friends here in the city who own galleries and they were both having parties so we did a little hopping.
Being around friends I hadn’t seen in a while and talking about anything other than TTC was refreshing and lovely!

Even though we had to leave relatively early (midnight) in order to get up for the RE Sunday morning, we had a great night out!

Verdict is IN

It’s an IUI.

IVF has officially been cancelled.
Turns out I just don’t respond well to Follistim.  It’s not something they see much of, but they do see it.
There are still 4 follicles–but get this:  They think only TWO of them might actually make it!
Two!  When I made FOUR with Clomid!
It doesn’t make sense.  But it is what it is and all you need is one, right?

I’m super happy that we have a new baby daddy just waiting to enter my uterus.  C’mon Baby Daddy!  Knock Me Up!
And now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I’m excited about another IUI.  This is what I thought I would do when I had that ‘very clear moment’ in Bali…so maybe that was the universe sending me a message and since I didn’t listen, the universe decided to yell.


Where Have You Been All My Life?

I found him.  It took 4 hours and a few more thousand dollars but we have a new baby daddy.

And we LOVE him.  Thank god K has relaxed about ethnic requirements because let me tell you he never would’ve been considered last winter!
Ah….feeling so much better now (see I’m not cursing?!)…

He arrives Monday so I hope my follicles hold off until then to do whatever it is they’re doing.
Tomorrow we have another blood and U/S and I think we’ll have a pretty good idea which way we’re going to go.
I totally have my head wrapped around an IUI and we’re completely OK with that–even looking forward to it.
I got pregnant with an IUI–I can do this again!

Thanks for all of your encouraging comments.  I really needed them after a rough day like that.
My RE wasn’t trying to push K’s eggs on me at all.  In fact he had forgotten that was an option–I’m the one who brought it up.  He was leaning towards a different drug protocol for me for ‘next time’.
The problem is that I have “X” amount left in my insurance coverage and if I want enough leftover to do the FET with K’s eggs, I can’t do two rounds of IVF + FET.
So…that’s where we are with that.

Also someone suggested trying Gonal F.  Same drug!  Who knew? Only the name is different.  I know because a friend offered me some of her leftover Gonal F and my RE said I could use that along with the Follistim–interchangeable even in the same cycle!  I guess it’s like Motrin and Advil, same same but different.

As far as a second opinion goes:  I’m at one of the top 4 Fertility Centers in the USA.  This is the clinic I have to go to for my insurance to cover it.  What I can do is talk to the RE on call tomorrow morning and ask his opinion.  That’s how I ended up doing Clomid, so I will definitely be talking to someone else.  I really like my RE, but it’s always great to get that second opinion.

OK, it’s a beautiful night out and we’re going out for a walk and look for a place to eat outdoors.
Hope everyone is having a great Friday night!

The Break Up

Dear Anonymous Sperm Donor,

We’re over. I’ve had enough. I stayed with you for the money—all those services paid in advance. But now all bets are off.
There’s too much riding on this decision and I’ve decided I need a new boyfriend.

It’s true, I thought you and I might work this out. But then I found out about that other girl—you know, the one you knocked up last May? Yeah, her outcome ended up the same as mine. And now neither of us are pregnant. And well…I’m thinking it might be you.
So this is it. I’m taking your empty vials out of my spirit house.

PS – I never really loved you. Did you know that?


Wrong. M*therF*cker

I just talked to my RE, Dr. VID (not the Dr. who scanned me this morning).
This was not the good conversation I wanted, but it was the one I feared after finding out I only had 4 follicles this morning. They are NOT all the same size. They range from 6-12, so that is super sucky indeed as they should all be trucking along at the same rate.
Fuck me.
Turns out I’m a pretty poor responder to Follistim–even though I’m injecting the MAXIMUM amount.
I had an excellent response to Clomid and produced the same amount of follicles.
(is this the part where I’m supposed to remember that while I was in Bali I thought I should do another round of Clomid?)

I’m so tense right now and I sort of want to cry, but mostly I just feel deflated.
This may not be an IVF cycle. If he doesn’t see much improvement in the next couple of days–we’ll call it an IUI cycle.
I guess that’s good news–it’s not all lost.

We’ve only got one vial of sperm on ice at the RE’s–I knew I should’ve ordered two. Now, I think I probably should another one just to be covered in case it’s converted to an IUI cycle and we want to do 2 inseminations.

I haven’t done shit at work today b/c I’ve been all over the internet looking at where other 39-year-old’s are at this stage of the game–none of it has made me feel any better b/c everyone else seems to respond just wonderfully to Follistim. A wonder drug it is! Hahaha!

Dr. VID said I could try another IVF cycle if this one doesn’t work, but agreed we’d be better off using K’s eggs. Hers give me a 66% chance of success.

Jesus Fucking Christ. Seriously? Seriously?! This is what we were considering last January when this all began and now it’s been 10 months and we’re back to where we started.
Fuck Fuck Fuck.

OK, I’m done cursing now. Until the next post. Fuck.


IVF, Day 6

I made a mistake looking at my IVF calendar and I didn’t have an ultrasound scheduled for yesterday, only a blood test for E2.
Today, I had both blood and U/S.

Here’s where I am in Pufferfish IVF land:

Saturday Day 1- 450 mg Follistim (pm)
E2=37 no cysts found
Day 2– 225 Follistim (am), 225 Follistim (pm)
Day 3- 225 Follistim (am), 225 Follistim (pm)
Day 4– 225 Follstim (am), 225 Follistim (pm)
Day 5– 450 Follistim (pm)
E2=143 (over 100 at this point is good)
Day 6– 450 Follistim (pm)
E2= 184 (slow rise, but they don’t seem concerned because it’s rising…)
Lining=6 (anything 6 or above is right on target for this point)
Follicles= 2 on each side, all measuring about 8-9

That’s a F*ckload of Follistim isn’t it? That’s what happens when you’re 39! I really would’ve liked to have seen more follicles this morning, I admit I was a little sad only seeing 4.
But, it’s still early. I’ve got a week left to keep up the stims and see what happens.
Next blood and ultrasound will be Saturday morning.

As far as my question per “exercise and your IVF cycle”? Well, I did some of my own research and everything says to take it easy, walking is good, etc.
I’ve been walking as normal–although a bit slower. The past two mornings I’ve decided to really take it easy by riding the bus up to the clinic.

This morning as I was walking from the clinic to my office, I noticed for the first time that I’m getting a little bloated. As in, it’s not quite uncomfortable to walk, but it doesn’t feel normal.
I sit here with skinny jeans unbuttoned wondering what the hell I will be wearing next week?
I’m not going to worry about it too much. In fact, if my pants don’t fit for…oh, I don’t know 9+ months…I’d be OK with that.
For the most part, I’m just chillin’ and relaxing. I go home and cook, read, meditate, pray, snuggle with the cats and go to bed. It’s not too exciting and I like it.

It’s kind of hard to believe I could be doing egg retrieval in a week.


I Can’t Believe She’s 50

Mado.nna. Oh, how I love you.

K, myself and a few friends went to the concert Monday night and she blew me away with yet another incredible performance for “Hard C.andy”.
It’s hard to believe that she’s been around 3 decades and is 50 years old. You’d never know it from where I was dancing.

I still remember hearing my first Ma.donna song. I was a freshman in high school and it was outside the home ec classroom in the hallway after school. Someone was playing music in that room and “Luck.y Star” stopped me dead in my tracks as I thought “what is THAT?!”
Instantly smitten for life.

In 1990, I had the good fortune to know someone with mad concert connections who got me front row seats to both of the shows for the “Blond A.mbition” tour.
Now, nothing is ever going to compare to that show because (a) it was front row for both concerts and I’m pretty sure Madonna sweat on me (b) it was the height of everyone ‘Vogueing’ on the dance floor every single night (c) I worked (illegally as I was underage) in the city’s most popular gay bar and I was ON the dance floor every damn night grooving to the music hey hey hey! (d) ecs.tacy was pure.
Need I say more? They were good times.

Fast forward to 18 years and here I am again–in awe of M (and her body).
I think I’ll go look for the DVD of “Blond Ambition” and order it. I need something to look forward to after egg retrieval!


Per.formance Anxiety

Giv.e it to me hard and fast and DO NOT pull out until I say so!

She pulled out. I didn’t say so. Maybe my hand got in the way when I looked down, who knows.
But as a result I got stabbed twice. Poor thing, she had per.formance anxiety.
This morning, my love is on a jet plane and I’m back to injecting myself. I think I like it better this way (no offense baby) but at least I know I’m not going to pull out.
It’s just that she hates to hurt me…she really, really, hates those needles. And I hate being poked more than necessary. So there you have it.

Tomorrow I go in for blood work and my first ultrasound to see how jacked up my follicles are. I can’t wait!!!