Daily Archives

December 3, 2008


Opening Up

If you interpreted my nightmare as something to do with me having trust issues; you’d be spot on.
My entire childhood was fraught with people hurting me and my little wall of distrust became bigger and bigger.
It didn’t end there. No, it continued well on to my adulthood where I applied the same behaviors and choices I’d been surrounded by my entire life which led to disastrous results.
Somewhere along the way, in the midst of my tumultuous 20’s, I changed my life. It didn’t happen in a year or two, but slowly along the way I left behind all that I knew and learned a new way of living. I’m better at trusting (and forgiving) than I ever was before and the last 10 “new” living years of my life have been the best.

I’m feeling quite happy and at peace with my life right now, but I am feeling/have felt lack of support regarding the TTC process (not from all of you). I suppose this all comes out in the Clomares (thankfully I did not have one last night).

But despite me not trusting many people (if anyone–fully), there seem to be a lot of folks who trust me and tell me things they don’t tell others.
I had lunch today with a new co-worker. She’s been here 2 months and I ‘thought’ she might be pregnant but she was going to great lengths to hide her belly, so I left my suspicions in my head and simply observed her. I’m a great observer.

Yesterday she looked very much pregnant and after a meeting I asked her when she was due.
We ended up making a lunch date out of it…which led to her telling me all about baby-making process which has been a long, hard road for her. After failed IVF attempts, she and her husband made the decision to go with donor eggs and now she’s pregnant with twin boys due the end of February.
She mentioned that I seemed to know a lot about the subject (she knows I’m gay) and innocently asked if we were thinking about it.
I froze. I don’t trust her. I barely know her. I couldn’t do it.
But she did it for me. And not only that, she opened up about work concerns as well. I mean, I’ve talked to her a total of 10 minutes before this lunch. She trusted me.

I don’t know what that feels like, but I hope someday I find out.


Nightmare Dreamin’

Man, these Clomid nightmares are badass.  This is the same effect Clomid had on me in July, so if that’s the only symptom I get out of this I can handle that.

But seriously:  
  • My wife cheated on me and left me
  • I had to move out
  • All of my friends came by to help
  • But they left the doors open
  • My cats all escaped and got lost
  • I tried in vain to find them and found every other cat but not them
  • The moving van packed everything up, but left all of the baby stuff behind
  • I recognized the baby stuff as my childhood things.
Another crazy thing about these Clomid dreams?  I remember them with such clarity as if I just woke up and it’s now 15 hours later.  Very weird.