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December 4, 2008

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Clearing the Words

As I re-read yesterday’s post and the subsequent comments, I realized that I misspoke or perhaps I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say.
I don’t have a problem opening up to people and telling them things…especially on the internet.
There’s a trust level that goes on here because we’re all (most of us) going through the same thing.
Of course, there are always lurkers or the casual passerby who stumbled upon my blog because they were looking for ways to breed their fish, but for the most part–it’s easy for me to open up online.
While it’s marginally more difficult in person–I’m still an open book. I mean, I tell it like it is details and all. I don’t have a problem with letting it all out.
The catch? It still doesn’t mean I trust who I’m speaking with.
Is that possible? It seems to be hypocritical, even to me.

I think it comes down to work vs. my private life.
I have been royally screwed over multiple times in my worklife and as a result I don’t trust anyone I work with. Even though I told my boss about TTC–I don’t trust her. But I had to tell her something and it’s been alright even though sometimes she’ll mention something really loud about ‘it’ and I’ll hiss at her. See? Can’t trust her!

So, while I trust my friends–and Shindagrl I trust you 100%, I realized this today–I don’t trust my co-workers.
That’s what made it so hard yesterday. I like this woman. I could be going through what she’s gone through. I want to trust her.
In fact, when she confided in me, my first thought was “the universe brought her to me because I’m going to be using an egg donor”.
Laugh if you will, but when I had to give my aunt a shot in the stomach this past summer (even though this is a shot she takes every night and her own daughter was there) (why couldn’t she do it?!) I had a moment of clarity where I thought “this is all happening because I will have to do this to myself.” And I did.

I used to be less guarded at work, but I think past work experience and females in the workplace being back-stabbing bitches (especially in investment banking….) have caused a lot more fear of who I open up to.