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December 9, 2008

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Rough Start #8

I had been terribly anxious all weekend waiting for Monday morning to see what the Clomi.d was up to. I had high expectations as there were 4 great Clomi.d follicles in August. The bar was high.

Thankfully, K has a few days in between projects (she’s done with the Midwest for now!) and was able to go to the RE with me.
I swear Dr. VID looked so surprised to see her. I don’t think he’s seen her since we came for our initial appointment last January. I wondered if he’d ever thought I was just using her for her fertility coverage–not a bad idea ladies–just find a type A work-a-holic lesbian employed at some schmancy firm with fertility coverage and work out a deal!
I mean, if they aren’t going to let us legally marry, we should all be taking advantage of each other and domestic partnership coverage, right?

Anyway, lining is fine, not great, but he specifically said “if you don’t get pregnant it’s not because of your lining.” So, that’s that.
Two great big follicles smiled from the left ovary, but that was all. He could tell I was really disappointed and told me to please not think it’s getting worse–that every cycle is different.
True. But when I didn’t respond to the Follistim in October–I went to a place I’d not imagined this entire journey.
I lost hope. Oh sure, I put up a brave face for the rest of the cycle and got on with it, but it was the first time I felt hope slipping away and I’ve had a hard time finding hope in the way I had before.
IVF was the magic ticket. If that didn’t work, what the hell else was there? It was like being given a gun without bullets and told to kill. I know that’s a twisted way of looking at it, but that’s where my mind goes.

Having K home with me today was the best because I was able to fall into bed and cry on her while my tears pooled in between her breasts. It’s such a rare treat to have her around for these appointments and I felt myself releasing the frustration in a way I don’t know if I’d have done by myself.

Two friends called me on Saturday to tell me that they had a dream I was was heavily pregnant. How random and strange and wonderful is that? And I feel some hope coming back in with my friends.
It comes from my acupuncturist who made a special appointment for me today so I could make the pre-IUI treatment. She is so good and so kind and I want to put her in my pocket and carry her around with me even though I am really getting tired of needles.
I’m tired of having a problem that requires needles.
“Be hopeful,” she says, “you got pregnant. You can do this.”

Yes, I did. I can. But I realized when I was sizing up the gay hairdresser doing my highlights this weekend how intense my envy of free, fresh sperm is right now.
I can keep doing this for a long while with fresh, free sperm.
Frozen? Not sure. Probably not much longer.

K–a needle phobe–gave me my trigger an hour ago and was a superstar. “Did the needle bother you baby?” “No, because I love you and want to help you.”
So happy she’s home. So much better to not go through this completely alone. Tomorrow, we go to IUI #1 at 3pm and IUI #2 Wednesday at 9am.

I have hope. I can do this.

ETA:
E2 level was 994 and LH was 6.2
15 is considering surging on your own.