Monthly Archives

December 2008


Hope is in the House!

All is good in the land of Puffer Hopes. Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments–they really made my day.

Between IUI #1 and IUI #2, I have over 36 million sperm swimming looking for 2 good eggs!

These are the best numbers we’ve EVER had and I gave a little shriek this morning seeing the numbers.

I LOVE our new Baby Daddy. Love Love Love Him.

I have to say that since we started doing back-to-back IUI’s, I no longer freak and fret about the timing. I know it’s also because I got pregnant with the first dual IUI’s, so that’s what sticks in my mind—it worked!

Regardless, having the stress of ‘timing’ lifted off my uterus has been golden. I am feeling really bloated and a little crampy this time. Usually I don’t feel much different, but I would love to be lying down right now instead of sitting upright at work with my pants unbuttoned.

Having K there for both of the inseminations was great and we did some visualization techniques afterwards just meditating on the different stages of conception and stages of pregnancy. It was so comforting and relaxing I felt like I was beaming when I came out of the room.

There’s a lot of pressure when 14DPO=Christmas Day.

We’ll be upstate and have decided that if it’s a positive we’ll just hang tight until the 29th and then come in for a beta.

If it’s a negative and K isn’t staffed on a project, we’re jumping on a plane and going somewhere warm.

Queerstork and I saw the same fortuneteller and I can tell we are still thinking about her and the predictions.

For me, she told me my lucky number was 996. I have been trying like mad to see where that number could apply.

Well, 9 months pregnant would be a due date of September (9) 6.

*Cue eerie music*


Rough Start #8

I had been terribly anxious all weekend waiting for Monday morning to see what the Clomi.d was up to. I had high expectations as there were 4 great Clomi.d follicles in August. The bar was high.

Thankfully, K has a few days in between projects (she’s done with the Midwest for now!) and was able to go to the RE with me.
I swear Dr. VID looked so surprised to see her. I don’t think he’s seen her since we came for our initial appointment last January. I wondered if he’d ever thought I was just using her for her fertility coverage–not a bad idea ladies–just find a type A work-a-holic lesbian employed at some schmancy firm with fertility coverage and work out a deal!
I mean, if they aren’t going to let us legally marry, we should all be taking advantage of each other and domestic partnership coverage, right?

Anyway, lining is fine, not great, but he specifically said “if you don’t get pregnant it’s not because of your lining.” So, that’s that.
Two great big follicles smiled from the left ovary, but that was all. He could tell I was really disappointed and told me to please not think it’s getting worse–that every cycle is different.
True. But when I didn’t respond to the Follistim in October–I went to a place I’d not imagined this entire journey.
I lost hope. Oh sure, I put up a brave face for the rest of the cycle and got on with it, but it was the first time I felt hope slipping away and I’ve had a hard time finding hope in the way I had before.
IVF was the magic ticket. If that didn’t work, what the hell else was there? It was like being given a gun without bullets and told to kill. I know that’s a twisted way of looking at it, but that’s where my mind goes.

Having K home with me today was the best because I was able to fall into bed and cry on her while my tears pooled in between her breasts. It’s such a rare treat to have her around for these appointments and I felt myself releasing the frustration in a way I don’t know if I’d have done by myself.

Two friends called me on Saturday to tell me that they had a dream I was was heavily pregnant. How random and strange and wonderful is that? And I feel some hope coming back in with my friends.
It comes from my acupuncturist who made a special appointment for me today so I could make the pre-IUI treatment. She is so good and so kind and I want to put her in my pocket and carry her around with me even though I am really getting tired of needles.
I’m tired of having a problem that requires needles.
“Be hopeful,” she says, “you got pregnant. You can do this.”

Yes, I did. I can. But I realized when I was sizing up the gay hairdresser doing my highlights this weekend how intense my envy of free, fresh sperm is right now.
I can keep doing this for a long while with fresh, free sperm.
Frozen? Not sure. Probably not much longer.

K–a needle phobe–gave me my trigger an hour ago and was a superstar. “Did the needle bother you baby?” “No, because I love you and want to help you.”
So happy she’s home. So much better to not go through this completely alone. Tomorrow, we go to IUI #1 at 3pm and IUI #2 Wednesday at 9am.

I have hope. I can do this.

E2 level was 994 and LH was 6.2
15 is considering surging on your own.


When it Might be Time to Go Home

I just spent a good (what seemed like) 2 minutes trying to use my mobile phone as a mouse. Without noticing. For 2 minutes. And getting really frustrated that I couldn’t get the damn thing to WORK.
Heh. Heh.

Going to eat Indian food tonight before seeing Slumdog Millionaire.
There’s more India calling on the horizon, but I’ll leave that for another post.

Go see Milk. It’s excellent.

Do NOT watch 2 movies in one week about the Rwandan genocide while taking clomid or you will have movies about dead babies. But really, when IS a good time to watch a movie like this?
If you are so inclined as I am for a historical tearjerker, these movies were also excellent if thoroughly heart wrenching: Beyond the Gates and Sometime in April.


Clearing the Words

As I re-read yesterday’s post and the subsequent comments, I realized that I misspoke or perhaps I don’t know how to say what I’m trying to say.
I don’t have a problem opening up to people and telling them things…especially on the internet.
There’s a trust level that goes on here because we’re all (most of us) going through the same thing.
Of course, there are always lurkers or the casual passerby who stumbled upon my blog because they were looking for ways to breed their fish, but for the most part–it’s easy for me to open up online.
While it’s marginally more difficult in person–I’m still an open book. I mean, I tell it like it is details and all. I don’t have a problem with letting it all out.
The catch? It still doesn’t mean I trust who I’m speaking with.
Is that possible? It seems to be hypocritical, even to me.

I think it comes down to work vs. my private life.
I have been royally screwed over multiple times in my worklife and as a result I don’t trust anyone I work with. Even though I told my boss about TTC–I don’t trust her. But I had to tell her something and it’s been alright even though sometimes she’ll mention something really loud about ‘it’ and I’ll hiss at her. See? Can’t trust her!

So, while I trust my friends–and Shindagrl I trust you 100%, I realized this today–I don’t trust my co-workers.
That’s what made it so hard yesterday. I like this woman. I could be going through what she’s gone through. I want to trust her.
In fact, when she confided in me, my first thought was “the universe brought her to me because I’m going to be using an egg donor”.
Laugh if you will, but when I had to give my aunt a shot in the stomach this past summer (even though this is a shot she takes every night and her own daughter was there) (why couldn’t she do it?!) I had a moment of clarity where I thought “this is all happening because I will have to do this to myself.” And I did.

I used to be less guarded at work, but I think past work experience and females in the workplace being back-stabbing bitches (especially in investment banking….) have caused a lot more fear of who I open up to.


Opening Up

If you interpreted my nightmare as something to do with me having trust issues; you’d be spot on.
My entire childhood was fraught with people hurting me and my little wall of distrust became bigger and bigger.
It didn’t end there. No, it continued well on to my adulthood where I applied the same behaviors and choices I’d been surrounded by my entire life which led to disastrous results.
Somewhere along the way, in the midst of my tumultuous 20’s, I changed my life. It didn’t happen in a year or two, but slowly along the way I left behind all that I knew and learned a new way of living. I’m better at trusting (and forgiving) than I ever was before and the last 10 “new” living years of my life have been the best.

I’m feeling quite happy and at peace with my life right now, but I am feeling/have felt lack of support regarding the TTC process (not from all of you). I suppose this all comes out in the Clomares (thankfully I did not have one last night).

But despite me not trusting many people (if anyone–fully), there seem to be a lot of folks who trust me and tell me things they don’t tell others.
I had lunch today with a new co-worker. She’s been here 2 months and I ‘thought’ she might be pregnant but she was going to great lengths to hide her belly, so I left my suspicions in my head and simply observed her. I’m a great observer.

Yesterday she looked very much pregnant and after a meeting I asked her when she was due.
We ended up making a lunch date out of it…which led to her telling me all about baby-making process which has been a long, hard road for her. After failed IVF attempts, she and her husband made the decision to go with donor eggs and now she’s pregnant with twin boys due the end of February.
She mentioned that I seemed to know a lot about the subject (she knows I’m gay) and innocently asked if we were thinking about it.
I froze. I don’t trust her. I barely know her. I couldn’t do it.
But she did it for me. And not only that, she opened up about work concerns as well. I mean, I’ve talked to her a total of 10 minutes before this lunch. She trusted me.

I don’t know what that feels like, but I hope someday I find out.


Nightmare Dreamin’

Man, these Clomid nightmares are badass.  This is the same effect Clomid had on me in July, so if that’s the only symptom I get out of this I can handle that.

But seriously:  
  • My wife cheated on me and left me
  • I had to move out
  • All of my friends came by to help
  • But they left the doors open
  • My cats all escaped and got lost
  • I tried in vain to find them and found every other cat but not them
  • The moving van packed everything up, but left all of the baby stuff behind
  • I recognized the baby stuff as my childhood things.
Another crazy thing about these Clomid dreams?  I remember them with such clarity as if I just woke up and it’s now 15 hours later.  Very weird.

O Christmas Tree, No Christmas Tree

I don’t think we’ll put up a tree this year. If we were going to do it, we should’ve done it this past weekend and it just wasn’t a priority.

Usually, we have a big holiday party and the tree is up and all of the decorations. Everyone ooohs and aaahs and we like that.

Since Thanksgiving came late this year I feel we’re in a time crunch. Every weekend we looked to do a party (there are only 2 for us), we were already booked to go to someone else’s party.

I can’t do the tree and everything all by myself especially since all of the decorations are on the top shelf and I need an assistant. That assistant was home for 10 days, but is now back in the hinterlands of the Midwest, bravely working amongst the Republican right-wingers of Kansas.

Follow me here…I f I wait for her to come home so we can do it together that means we will only have 2 weeks to enjoy the décor before leaving to go upstate for the holiday week. PLUS—K is going to Vegas for work the week of the 15th.

It just seems like a lot of work for too short of time.

There’s no bah humbug here, I feel quite festive about the season. I just think we should save our time and money and enjoy other people’s decorations this year.

Is that a crazy thought?


This is the End

Of NamBoHoMoBloMewhatever.

It’s been a lot of blogging.  I hope you’ve enjoyed it.  I know I’ve entertained some of you because you’ve told me so and that makes me happy.  I love to make people laugh.

K promises someday she will do a guest blog post, but until then, you’re stuck with just me;)