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January 9, 2009

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Second Guessing

I’m having a much harder time wrapping my head around this IVF cycle than I thought I would be. It all just feels so…fast. Almost too fast.
But then, what am I waiting for? Why do I feel like I need a longer break?
After all, I am the one who insisted I be put on the January IVF schedule. The RE didn’t have me on it and said they didn’t have room, but I insisted because on Dec. 29 there was no way I was being pushed back one more month.

So what changed?
K and I talked this morning and wondered aloud if I wasn’t resisting it because I am afraid of failure. Seems probable.

I also didn’t get to do a Day 3 FSH test and baseline ultrasound b/c the clinic was closed over the holidays. I hate not knowing the results of these tests before beginning the estrogen patches and antagon shots. What if they do Day 3 tests (@Jan 24th) and find bad things? Then I will have started this process and put the drugs in my system for nothing.

I also feel like this past month has been my ‘unhealthiest’ of the entire past year. I spent an entire week in Cabo drinking margaritas and eating chips, salsa, guacamole and tacos. Drinking and I don’t really meet up much and this is the most alcohol I’ve put in my system in…almost 2 years? Now, I’m just talking 12-14 drinks TOTAL in the last month.
I know it’s not a big deal…but I’m now wondering “why did I do that knowing IVF was on the horizon?”

As a result of the holidays and vacation, I’ve also gained 3-4 pounds. Again, it’s not that big of a deal and I can lose it. In fact, I worked out every day in Cabo and have hit the gym now that I’m home. But it has me feeling like I’m in the worst shape I’ve been in since starting to TTC. I’ve been so careful about food choices and exercise and alcohol and yoga and meditation and blahblahblah and this past month, it’s like I said “to hell with it.”
I knew this and said to myself, “that’s right! to hell with it!” But now, I’m regretting it.

So here I am, with less than a week before the start line wondering if I should say “stop”.

Thank you Offering of Love, for the tip on the IVF meditation CD. I just downloaded it!

PS–No, we did not go make a little French playboy baby last night. I’m sure my post made a lot of you go “Ewww!” but hey, that’s the way it goes. If we knew he was 100% clean and his shooters were a-go, we would have no problem going that route.
We did go see Revolutionary Road, which was dark and somber and most excellent in my opinion. Did not see that ending coming.