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January 19, 2009

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You’ve Got to be Kidding Me.

Surprise, it’s CD 1.  It’s not supposed to be.  AF is 4-5 days early.  I’ve been spotting for the last 6 days.  I never spot in between cycles and no one has a clue why I was spotting.

Last night I took my last antagon shot–all 3 shots for nothing.
Today I was supposed to change my estrogen patch.  I took off the old one…and did not put on a new one.
Remember this post?  I knew something was up….I just didn’t feel right.

I’m canceling this IVF cycle.  My body is obviously out of whack and I’m not spending the last of the IVF money on a cycle that is already this screwed up.
I’ll go in for Day 2 bloods tomorrow and see what the numbers are, but I’m not continuing.
At this point, I think I’ll sit out the month of February and do a March IVF cycle.

I have been waiting for so long.  I waited for K to be ready.  I waited for K to finish her MBA.  I waited to save up enough money.  I have been waiting for over 4 years.  I am so tired of waiting.  These are the days where I seriously start to doubt if it will ever happen.  I want to be pregnant or K to be pregnant or to start adoption or to start fostering or SOMETHING.  Instead I am just waiting.

And if one more well-meaning person tells me to, “relax” or “I know of couples who were trying and as soon as they just stopped focusing on it, they got pregnant!” or “don’t stress about it”–I swear, I will scream.  
To me, that’s like someone who has no addictions whatsoever, telling a heroin addict to “just stop focusing so much on their next fix and sobriety will come!  You can become clean if you just relax!”  
Really, if you have never tried to get pregnant and had problems doing so–you need to Shut the F*ck Up!