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January 20, 2009

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Sinking

Last night as I sat on chair with a cat on my lap and cried in the dark, K took 30 minutes to talk me into going to the gym. Working out is the only thing that makes me feel better. Specifically: Running. I want to run and I want to keep running. I want to run until I have answers until I have a beginning and an end and this is all over.

The FSH was 2.2, but that’s a false number as the estrogen brings it down. The E2 was 31. It should be between 100-150. I was only able to do two out of four estrogen patches…probably had something to do with up. But regardless, it’s not good. RE said we can tweak things, I can shoot up more antagon for supression and take estrogen pills and lengthen everything for the cycle to get back on track….that didn’t sound too promising.

He said, “I know you’ve been at this a long time and you’ve been so patient and willing to do whatever it takes and I completely understand if you tell me, I don’t feel right about this, let’s wait til next month.”
“I don’t want to do it this month, it feels wrong. I spotted for 6 days before my period and my period came 4-5 days early.”
“That’s what I thought you would say. I think I know you pretty well.”

So I begin the waiting. Again. I really am a patient person. But I am this close to running all the way to India to live on an ashram and brainwash myself so I don’t have to ever think about this again. K can come get me when she’s pregnant. Just kidding. Sort of.

I always thought that IVF was the magic ticket. Instead it’s turning out to be a ride I can’t even get on. I’ve been ready to do IVF since September, since the miscarriage, since I can remember. And here it is 4 months in and I’m still waiting. Still getting older. Less hopeful. Somedays, I’m not even sure what I want anymore. TTC is getting very blurry.