Daily Archives

February 6, 2009

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But That was Last Week

And this is this week.

After a session where my therapist analyzed my bad dream (I didn’t figure out those characters myself) we spoke about my need to always remain composed and in control.
It’s a survival skill set that I learned early in life and it has suited me quite well. But it can outwardly make me appear that I need no help whatsoever thank you very much when inside I’m screaming.
I hate showing any sign of weakness because in my past…weakness simply was not permissible.
That caused me to think long and hard about the situation at hand (not that I haven’t been doing this already)…but with a different focus of trying to ask for help inside of stifling the screams.

The failure of the non-start IVF cycles have really thrown me for a loop. It wasn’t until this point I felt a scream building up inside me. Even after the m/c, I carried on and remained positive.
I sure as hell never expected to suddenly find out in the middle of all this that I’m also hypothyroid. How I wish I’d known to ask them for this test at the very beginning. But they had a test from the previous year and those results are good for 2 years. Also, the ‘normal’ ranges my RE uses are much higher than present standards, so even if they’d tested it one year ago, they would’ve called it normal.
For TTC, your TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) should be between 1-2 (new standards).
My RE’s cut off is 5.5 (old standards).
Mine is 6.27.
Big difference, eh?

So, this week I picked myself up, called my GP requesting all thyroid blood work from the last decade (yes, I’m one of those people who has a full physical evaluation and blood work done once a week—except for last year).
Armed with this, I got in with one of the best endocrinologist’s in the city and we are working to come up with treatment.
I knew as soon as I walked in his office and saw Buddha statues all over I was in good hands. I’ve been on synthroid one week now…and I’ll go for more tests in 3 weeks to retest the TSH levels as well as thyroid antibodies, Free T3 and Free T4. In addition, he is concerned that I may have also have a problem with my adrenal functioning properly, so we’ll do tests on those as well.

It pains me so to think this could be the reason for my m/c and so many months that looked like it might have been a chemical.
Please ladies, if you’re not getting pregnant and you haven’t had your thyroid tested, go do it! You don’t have to go to an RE, you can have your GP do it. I wish someone had told me…

The good news is that the meds could work quickly and get me down to a TSH level of 1 or 2 in one month’s time.
If that happens and the other tests come back normal, I would know just in time to get back on the Day 21 Estrogen Priming protocol for March IVF.
If not….we adjust the meds and try for an April start.

I’m feeling extremely empowered this week and my dreams reflect it. The latest?
I was having s.ex with a heavily pregnant Asian woman. It was super hot. Um, my wife is not Asian. I mean, I’ve had a few Asian girlfriends, but K is not one of them! But it’s all good, she’s cool like that with me and my dreams.
I have no idea what my therapist will make of this, but I’m anxious to hear it!
Any guesses?

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New Infertility Support Group starting soon!

Mind/Body Support Groups

Infertility typically leaves patients feeling out of control. While you cannot
control that you are in this situation, you can control how you navigate it.

Our Mind/Body Support Group will Teach You:

• Effective ways to reverse the mental and physical discomfort of stress
• A panorama of coping mechanisms from which to choose
• How to assess and meet your needs
• How to tame and transform the intrusion of negative thoughts
• How to identify and work with your emotions
• How to enhance communication with your spouse/partner and others

Classes will run for six weeks beginning Wednesday, February 11th.

Date: Every Wednesday (February 11th through March 18th)
Time: 6:30 – 8:30pm

Location: NYU Fertility Center, 6th Floor Conference Room
660 First Avenue, 5th Floor | New York, NY 10016
Phone: 212‐263‐8990 | Fax: 212‐263‐7853 | Web: www.NYUFertilityCenter.org
Cost: $400 (includes six classes, a relaxation CD and all classroom handouts)

Classes are run by Helen Adrienne, who has worked with infertility patients
for 30 years.
To register, please contact her directly at:
Helen Adrienne, LCSW, BCD
(212) 758-0125 or helen@helenadrienne.com

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Dream a Little Dream

Last week I had a dream that I’d been kidnapped by two men.  One was the really bad guy and the other one (representing my two abusers as a child) was bad, but more like “I don’t think we should be doing this” but doing it anyway bad.

I kept trying to run away and scream for help.  I screamed and screamed but no one could ever hear me.
Once, I got close enough to a lady (representing my mother), grabbed her arm and pleaded with her to please help me.  Get me out of here.  She looked terrified of me and shook my arm off, and ran away.  I was left in tears wondering why no one would help me.  Why?
In the end, I escaped but I was all alone.

You might say I’m feeling a bit helpless in all this right about now.

The problem with living in this city is that you feel like there’s nowhere you can scream.  I remember living where I had a car and sometimes I’d just get in the car to drive and scream.  It felt so good.
We’re renting a car and going upstate to ski this weekend.  I think I’ll find some time alone to take it out for a spin and scream my head off.