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May 6, 2009

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Trying to Escape from Funky Town

This has got to be the hardest time period of TTC I’ve ever gone through.  I never took a BFN this hard, never got this down about a cancelled IVF cycle, but this…this is the worst.


To get me down even further, New York is going through a period of endless gray, cool, rainy days that are not helping my psyche at all.  It seems like the sun has completely disappeared and is never coming back.

I am trying to be optimistic and hopeful about this new cycle, but I am so damn scared.
It has been very, very difficult to come back to NYC in the rainy, cool season–jobless, in an economic crisis, faced with the realization that you can’t have bio children.
Last week was the worst of the depression.  That was when I found myself seriously wondering if I had any worth at all and maybe the world would just be better off without me.
The thought was only a fleeting one and I wasn’t contemplating anything, but the fact that it popped up in my head was a giant warning signal.

I have suffered from depression in the past, but I have med free now for almost 5 years.  It’s been wonderful!
Now, I find that I’m having to work a little bit harder to be ‘normal’.  That scares me.  
But after I got over the ‘due date’ of last week, I did find myself lifting up.  I didn’t think it would be so difficult to get past that day–but it was–especially seeing other blogger’s births posted that were born the same day/time.  Ouch.  That fucking hurt.  I mean, I’m happy for them, don’t get me wrong, but fucking ouch.  Sometimes I just have to step away from the blogs….  

K has been wonderful throughout all of this.  She gets me out of the house and encourages me to workout, cook, take a walk outside, get off the computer.  We’ve walked down to Chinatown multiple times, exploring new streets, making lists of places we want to eat, gorging on Vietnamese food, shopping in the produce markets and getting Chinese massages in dodgy palours.  I love that she knows I’ll feel better after getting an “Asian fix”.  And I do, I always do.

But let’s talk about meds/donor egg cycle now.  Tonight is my last birth control pill, yeah!  I’ve had 6 Lupron injections and (knock on wood) so far, so good on the side effects.  As in glory hallelujah, I’ve had none of the insomnia, migraines, etc, etc.  I cannot blame the depression on the Lupron as that started long before the injections.  But I am hoping the Lupron does not make my depression worse.  Only time will tell.
My SIS (saline sonogram) was painless and the RE declared me “clean as a whistle” so I’m good to go on that.
The RPL blood panel came back fine and there’s nothing to worry about there.  My RE is going to have me take baby aspirin starting at the time of the retrieval as a precaution.
K’s genetics blood work panel passed with flying colors–everything looks great.

Next on the list:  K goes in to the fertility center this Friday morning for blood work to make sure she ovulated (I saw the EWCM, it looks like she ovulated!).  Once they call her back telling her the bloods show she ovulated, she’ll inject a micro dose of Lupron.  Lucky her, she only has to shoot up Lupron once!

That’s it.  It’s getting better, it really is.  But this month (well, April, May has been better) has felt like I’m rock climbing and I can’t see the top of the mountain and my arms are getting really, really tired.
Thanks for all of your wonderful comments on my last post and for pulling me up the mountain.  I feel all of your strength and I couldn’t make it without you.
If you’ve called me or emailed me and you haven’t heard back from me…please forgive me.  I haven’t been myself.