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May 25, 2009

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Ranting and Reeling.

You need background on this story and I haven’t given it.

*Warning Long rant below*  

K is a middle child.  Her older brother and his wife, we’ll call them BKP, can do no wrong.  Her younger brother, we’ll call YB, can also do no wrong.  BKP are the king and queen of the family and YB, is a prince.  K…well, she’s just kind of there.  Her mother and father have always favored the sons and always will.  K is a shadow in the family.

The sons get everything from the family and I mean everything.  When brother BKP had student loans, grandma stepped in to pay them.  When YB had student loans, mom stepped in to pay them.  When K had student loans?  Nothing.  No offer of help at all.

When grandma was doling out the family jewelry, she gave brother BKP and YB all of her former husbands rings, etc.  Did she give K anything?  No.  She made sure brother BKP got a ring with a big diamond since she was getting married (five years ago–same as us) so he could put it in a setting for his wife.  K was also getting married the same year…but got nothing.

Another example:  When we go upstate to visit MIL, she often pays for the Amtrak ticket for YB, but not for K.
YB has an excellent job.  He works for a very exclusive fashion label. He has a rent-control apartment in Chelsea and next month his company is moving him to Paris to work.  He does not need his mother to buy his train ticket.  And neither do we….but why would you treat your children so differently?

After BKP got married, with stars in their eyes, they moved across the country with dreams of being movie stars.  Hollywood didn’t turn out to be all they expected and brother BKP never was a good actor to begin with.  He ended up spending the next five year, age 30-35, waiting tables part time and auditioning the rest of the time. He would spent most afternoons ‘meditating on his couch’ about his next audition.  His wife worked as a public school teacher in LA and they had one car.  In Los Angeles.  

Meanwhile they would go out to the best restaurants in LA.  Places K and I don’t ever go when we’re visiting because they are too expensive for us.  They have massive credit card debt.
If they wanted to come home for Christmas?  Mom or Dad would buy them a plane ticket.  If they wanted to go to Florida to visit Grandma?  Grandma or some other family member would pay for it.

K and I have a completely different work ethic.  Both of us are the types who work our asses off to make sure we are taking care of ourselves.  If the tables were turned we each would be working double time to get a second car at the very least.  It’s just how we are.
When I moved to NYC, I was 25K in debt and had been hired at an NGO making less than 30K.  I had at least two jobs for the first 5 years because I was bound and determined to pay off all my debt and get ahead.  I would work my day job and then go straight to my night job.  Weekends were not weekends, they were for working.  I wanted to get ahead and I did.

For the last year or so the Golden Couple have decided they want to move back home.  Brother BKP has finally realized that he’s not going to make it as an actor.  SIL wants to be closer to her family and ‘have babies’.  Everyone, especially MIL thinks this is an excellent idea.  SIL is the daughter MIL never had.  But of course, they have saved no money to even make the trip across country, let alone getting a job back in NY or a place to live..or, or, or….Ahgh!!!  This list goes on and on.

So…mom and dad (and yeah, probably Grandma) are once again bailing them out.  They are sending them money to move back to upstate NY.  And since they don’t have a place to live, they will live in mom’s basement and have free rent, food, cleaning, etc.  Their car probably won’t make it across the country or if it does, it won’t make it much longer, so Dad has ‘found them a car’.  They have no jobs, no savings and have you heard how great the economy is in upstate NY?

When we were up for Mother’s Day, MIL was talking about how great it was they were moving home and it was a great time for them to buy a house and K said, “They don’t have jobs.  They don’t have any money to make a down payment.”   And MIL replied “Oh, we can help them buy a house.”.
K and I have been trying to get pregnant for 1.5 years.  We have talked about buying a place for at least as long.  Had anyone ever offered to help us?  No.  Of course not.

All K and I have talked about lately is how great it’s going to be to be the first ones pregnant.  K will have the first grandchild and finally, FINALLY, she’ll be the golden child.  They’ll all pay attention to her.  I was glad we were using her eggs, because her mother will love me and the baby more than if I were having my own bio child.  Sad, but true.

You know what’s coming, don’t you?  You know how this story ends.

They are pregnant.
I know it’s not a competition.  I know it doesn’t mean our child will be loved any less.  But we had this one trump card over them.  For once, just once, we were going to be #1.
It hurts so bad and I was so upset and I almost vomited.  I should be happy for them.  They deserve a baby, too.  But now??

When K’s mom told her, she didn’t even acknowledge the fact that we had been trying so hard and so long and this news might be hard for us.  No mention whatsoever.

I cried so much last night I woke up feeling like a had a hangover.  When I got in the shower this morning, the tears came all over again.  I just can’t shake this feeling about how unfair it all is.  We aren’t pregnant.  They are.

I know some of you have had to deal with this.  I know I’m not alone.  I just never expected it to send me reeling the way it has.  The Golden Couple don’t have to struggle with anything.  They are handed everything and rewarded with irresponsible behavior.
We are praying for acceptance of this.  We can’t change it and we can’t change our own circumstances.  I want to find happiness for them, but right now I’m just hurting too much.  

K says she accepted the fact a long time ago that her mom would always love her brothers more. God, that just breaks my heart.  It hurts so much to know that my wife’s one chance of having her family’s full attention and love is Gone. Gone. Gone.