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June 11, 2009



Which around here we joke is German for “my tits hurt”.  Sorry German speakers, no offense (Berit, don’t be mad!).

But even with all of the tittzenhurten, which started exactly one day after transfer (but at that point I’d already been in the progesterone for over a week with no tittzenhurten going on..so who knows what all this mean…) I’m not feeling it.  I’m not.  I want to.  But I’m not.

Why?  Because I went crazy with Google and saw that women were testing 4dpt and 5dpt and getting positives so I did something completely impulsive and uncharacteristic for me.  I am not an impulsive person.  I’m that lady that is swayed by absolutely nothing as she stands at the check out counter waiting my turn.  But at 3:30pm yesterday, 4dpt, I deliberately walked into my bathroom and peed on a stick.  Which was negative.
And then I woke up at 3:30 during the night last night and did it again.  Negative.
I’m out of control, I’m telling you.

In addition to the tittzenhurten, I feel every freaking twinge there could be and go back and forth over whether it’s implantation or gas or all my imagination.
Have a been a little bit more tired?  Maybe.  Or maybe it’s just that NYC has been blanketed by damp, cool, sunless, rainy weather.  So, you know my mood is just fucking spectacular as I not only don’t have my wife to help get me through this week but I don’t even have any sunshine.

If this doesn’t work, I really don’t know what I’m going to do.  I’m scared of myself right now and how much of my life is riding on this.
Please let me be pregnant.  Please let those negatives just be proof that it’s a singleton instead of twins and that’s why it’s taking a little longer to process.
The universe wouldn’t be this cruel, would it?  Unfortunately, I know that answer all too well as some of you do too.

Oh, and none of the blasts made it to freeze.  None.