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November 26, 2009

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What a Difference a Year Can Make

There is so much I couldn’t comprehend from last year to this. I was losing faith and going on overdrive, wondering what was the point anymore and feeling like it was never going to work. There were so many points I wondered if I would ever get and stay pregnant. I didn’t–at least not like I thought I would–with my own eggs.

But life has a funny way of working out sometimes. Anytime I would discuss giving up and calling it quits, Chicken kept me going.

I’m lucky, I know that. I’m so thankful to have the opportunity to be pregnant. It’s what I always wanted. I never thought it would take me 20 years to get here–but that was my life course. Twenty years is a long time to wait for something.
When I was trying to get pregnant and wondering if it would ever work, I was nervous about carrying someone else’s eggs–even my partner’s. I was worried a baby not genetically related to me would never really feel like mine, that I would always be just a surrogate.
But as soon as I got pregnant–I have never felt anything other than fiercely protective over MY babies, OUR babies. Whatever fear I had washed away the moment I saw that positive control line. Nothing else mattered.

There’s too much pain out there in the land of TTC. Too many years trying, too much time lost, too much money spent, too many miscarriages, suffering, loss and grieving.
I want a successful pregnancy for all of you. I wish I could take away the pain, or pay your medical bills or even give you a few good eggs (of Chicken’s–mine are crap). I can’t.
But every post I read of another loss, another BFN, another dark day, makes me say a little prayer for you–to the universe, to the fertility goddess, to anyone who might be listening.

I know how hard this is and want you to know that. I haven’t forgotten. I don’t think I ever will.
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So That’s Who I Used to Be

Like many people, I’ve been re-reading part of my blog from last year.
I was amazed at the different person who posted last year. That person had a helluva lot of energy! It seems unreal.


Today, I was lucky enough to have energy–but nothing like last year. I did manage to make:

2 dozen pumpkin muffins
2 smoked salmon/leek/dill quiches
1 apple cake
caramelized brussels sprouts with bacon (Chicken had to do this one, I couldn’t do anymore!)

I took my time throughout the day and also managed to wrap a few gifts, get packed for the overnight Thanksgiving trip and write a few thank you notes, oh and take a little nap. I have not left the house and I am perfectly fine with that.
But, I have to tell you: my body aches like crazy and I’m DONE!
It’s so frustrating that it’s taken all day to do so little.

However, my plan to get as much done as possible in the second trimester has certainly paid off, because now that I’ve hit the third trimester the difference in how I’m feeling is huge (and I am huge as you can see from the belly shots!). We are slowly ticking off the to-do list and I have confidence that we’ll make our Christmas deadline. It’s all coming together, especially now that Chicken has been home for over a week. What I wouldn’t give to have a wife who comes home every night.

I’ll be very interested in seeing what I get done the day before Thanksgiving NEXT year with two 10 month old twins in the house. Wow. Now that’s a crazy thought.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with lots of love, laughter and of course, great food!