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December 21, 2009

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Rumble Fishies and a Needy Puff

The baby puffers are all over the place. I would love to be able to watch them all of the time to know what they are doing in there because there is just SO much movement. The kind that is distracting when you are trying to read or write because you can see your clothes jumping around. It’s an amazing experience and I’m going to miss it, even though sometimes my stomach is incredibly tight and it kind of hurts.

I can imagine a little bit what it’s like to have a baby and just stare at it all the time as I spend a lot of time staring at my stomach these days.
It’s especially cute when one of the babies (seems to mostly be Shadow Boxer) has the hiccups and it’s so strong that my hand moves every time with every hiccup.
I can tell where their heads are which is crazy. They are both still breech and hanging out mostly on the right side. I’ve come to grips with the fact that I will more than likely be having a C-section and I’m OK with that. I will do whatever I have to do to get these babies into the world safely.

As someone who struggled for a long time to get pregnant, I’m always hesitant to voice any complaints because I know there are so many out there still in the struggle to get/stay pregnant. But, I feel like I’m in the final weeks now (7 weeks maximum) and there are some hard days/nights ahead. Last Wednesday was my roughest of the entire pregnancy. It made my worst day of the first trimester feel like a walk in the park. I felt miserable the entire day, from the time I woke up all throughout the day. Usually mornings are my best time. I would rather wake up earlier and have that morning burst of energy than to sleep later. I can always take a nap, but I can’t get that morning feeling back.

This day however, nothing was going right.
When Chicken called that evening, I lost it and just started bawling. I had no idea just how overwhelmed and scared I was feeling and I don’t think she did either. My strength is my fault because I can fool everyone–including myself.
I am not used to needing anyone. In fact, people (*by people I mean grown up’s, not infants or children*) who are needy (generally) annoy the fuck out of me. This is probably why I’m a cat person. I like their aloofness and self sufficiency. Dogs seem so needy.
But right now, I’m a different person. I’m a person who very much needs others to help her from time to time and I’m terribly concerned that it’s annoying behavior. I realized that I’m scared to be alone now. Scared of all the ‘what-if’s’ that could happen when I’m by myself. I’ve spent half of my life alone and I’ve never felt like this so it’s quite unsettling.
It’s hard to go from being so capable to being so limited. The fact that 3 weeks ago I was walking 3 miles stuns me as I’ve now gone to walking about 6 blocks a day–IF I leave the house. I stopped keeping track of the days I haven’t left the house. I’m so tired most of the time and I just want to chill.

My biggest challenge is taking care of the 3 cats by myself. Everything they need is on the ground–their food, water, litter box, the vomit they puke, the poo they leave outside the litter box, the pills they need to be given. Bending over stopped being a possibility a long time ago. Then came the squatting. Squatting worked until about 2 weeks ago and now while I can do it, it causes me a lot of pain. I’ve never been so irritated with animals I love until recently and I know it’s just because they are causing me pain. I love them a lot more when Chicken comes home and I don’t have to do anything.

Mostly, I’m ready for Chicken to come home. I don’t mean I need her with me 24 hours a day, but just to know that someone will be here in the evening–my most desperate hours–just in case.
Thankfully, she did come home last Thursday, but had to leave again yesterday–only for one night. She’ll be home late tonight and then for a few days in January to wrap up her project and then that’s IT. She will be here until the twins are born! I’ve got my friend Fab C on call for the few days in January, so I feel relief. But it was SO hard to ask for her ‘maybe’ help. I felt pathetic.

I know I can do this. I know there are going to be good days and bad days and right now I am just thankful the good days are far outnumbering the bad.

Happy Winter Solstice. May all the days ahead be filled with more light.