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March 3, 2010

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Too Many Tears

We’re having a rough time in so many ways. I have been sick now for over 2 weeks and Chicken for over a week. I thought I was getting better, but two days ago I woke up feeling even worse.

I go into a coughing fit every morning that leaves me dry heaving over the toilet and gasping for breath.
Being sick is hard enough, but being sick, being sleep deprived and taking care of two 5 week old twins–one of them who is a super fussy fussypot–well, it’s huge.
We are doing our best to just get by, but these past two weeks have by far been the hardest yet.
I have been sleeping on the couch for weeks because we wake up each other coughing. I cough all over the babies when I’m breast feeding them and feel awful, but so far they are fine and healthy.
Chicken and I are starting to bicker with each other over who is doing more and who is getting more sleep. She is a rockstar, that Chicken and she takes on so much for our little family. I don’t know what I would do without her.
I know there are women out there who do this alone, but I don’t know how. Are they breastfeeding 8-10 times a day? Are they pumping afterwards? Do they have a fussy fusspot?
If you are out there…I want to know your secrets.
When Chicken has to go out for an hour or two, I truly panic. When they both have a meltdown, there are just not enough arms to go around. I feel so inadequate and overwhelmed.
And then I cry. And cry and cry and cry.

I had my 6 week checkup with my OB today and brought up these situations. Chicken and I are a little concerned with PPD and we’ve been keeping an eye on ‘things’ from the beginning. My OB assured me that women with only ONE baby are going through the same thing and to have TWO, plus be sick for weeks on end…it’s normal.
It’s true that the worst of my bad feelings have been in the last couple of week since I got sick, so I hope that’s all it is. They referred me to a shrink in case I want to go that route and I think I might. PPD is no joke and has an even higher occurrence with a twin birth.
My OB gave me the ok to take some cold meds, so maybe, maybe there is an end to this damn cold.

To top things off, we have made the very difficult decision to put our 18 year old female cat, Savvy, to sleep. We’ve called the vet and we’ll take her in tomorrow. She is deteriorating, she weighs only a little over 2 lbs, she has had thyroid disease for years and spends most of the day going back and forth to the water bowl.
She has gone from pooping just outside the litter box to pooping….everywhere. I call myself the poop hunter because every morning I have to find where it is and it’s usually in multiple places. It has a scent that will wake you up from a dead sleep. Right now I need my sleep so badly and when this happens, I find myself so angry with her. It’s more than I can take right now. We love her so much. I don’t want to be angry with her in the last days of her life.
This is a cat who has captured the hearts of just about every human who has been in our house. She has been the best cat. I don’t know how ‘sick’ she has to be before it seems like it’s time. That is the hardest decision. But she doesn’t feel good. Her quality of life has gone down since the babies came home and we just don’t want her to keep suffering.
And so today, we cried even more.
So many tears.