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April 6, 2010

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D & C

I cannot fucking believe that I’ve had to go through so much trauma with this pregnancy only to have to schedule my own D & C 11 weeks after giving birth.

The clot will ‘probably’ not bleed out on its own. It might. But it might not. And if it doesn’t, then it will surely get infected. Not a risk I can take.

They could give me drugs, but then I can’t breastfeed my boys so it would be days and days of pumping and dumping with them getting bottles of formula the entire time.
Given the difficulties I’ve had with breastfeeding in general, plus the helluva time I’ve had with Whoop Whoop, who is perhaps the fussiest feeder of all times, I’m not ok with the possibility of going backwards in terms of progress.

So, a D & C it is. You know, the same procedure for a miscarriage or an abortion. I never had to have a D & C with my miscarriage but I have to have one now. UnFuckingBelievable.

I know some people absolutely loved being pregnant and can’t wait to experience that feeling again. But for the record, I am not one of them.
I handled the twin pregnancy very well even when they found my cervix shortening and I was told to take it really easy. I scaled back and did what I was told.
And then I developed Pre Eclampsia symptoms around Christmas, 31 weeks, and was hospitalized. Even that wasn’t too bad. But after watching my blood pressure rise and my vision deteriorate and the pre e going full blown with a dose of HELLP added….it was just too much.

I’ve never even written my birth story but trust me, it sucked. I was fortunate enough to have both twins head down, but had to skip the natural birth for a last minute C-Section.
And then the recovery from the C-Section….where I developed anemia from so much blood loss and my blood pressure skyrocketed again and I was almost hospitalized 2 days after coming home. Let’s not forget the part where I couldn’t poop for a week. That was all really fun.

And now, I’ve been bleeding for 11 weeks. I fear I’m also leaking some urine, but I don’t know for sure. What I do know is that after all of this, I have to go get a D & C.
I never thought that would be possible. I never dreamt this scenario.

It’s been a very trying day today. Both twins are inconsolable and have been most of last night as well. We are functioning on very little sleep and just trying to survive. I didn’t need this today. These boys complete us, but my god this is the hardest thing we have ever done. It is 24 hours, non-stop work and sometimes we just feel like we might crack. We don’t. But we really need a break. Today was not that break.

We’ve got 2 vials of our donor left. If we use them–and yes, we have already talked about the possibility of having another child even in the midst of twin newborn insanity–it won’t be me getting knocked up this time. I’m done. Done.