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September 13, 2010

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Mixed Feelings

We had a beautiful weekend away and it’s always nice, if a bit stressful, to get the boys out of the city and back into nature.

Yes, the naps were a bit messed up and yes, they fussed in the car (OK, screamed a bit) and yes, they didn’t get a bath every night (um, they didn’t get a bath at all, but we did do a washcloth) because it was too hard to find a suitable place to bathe them BUT overall it was good.
We were able to get them out for nature walks both days visiting this reservoir and this gorgeous Japanese garden and we were able to catch up with not only Chicken’s father, but also her brother, his wife and their son (who is 10 days older than the twins).

Of course the whole point of the trip–why we were invited–was to meet Big Gay Dad’s new boyfriend. BGD told us a few weeks ago that he was not only dating again (already) but that he had a boyfriend. Honestly, we were shocked. It seemed too soon. His partner, “Brock” died in April from an 8 month battle with lung cancer. His ceremony was in June…and now it’s only August and you’re…dating. Seriously, dating?
But I don’t know what it’s like to lose my partner to a slow, evil disease. I don’t know how I would act/react. Maybe I would go on Mat.ch.com, too and throw myself into the dating world so I didn’t have to feel so much pain. I don’t know.

Regardless, we not only met the new BF, we stayed at his house for the weekend. I almost feel sorry for BF. BGD is having all of the family members meet him, they’ve only been dating for 2 months and he’s getting an instant family. Not just an instant family, but one who adored Brock, spent the last decade with him and is still mourning him. BF is no Brock.
Brock was gay his whole life, but he was an upstate outdoorsy man. He camped, hiked, fished, cooked, skied, biked, played tennis and was an avid sailor. He was a writer and a poet, a sculptor, glass maker and jewelry designer. He could do just about anything he tried and he tried many things throughout his life.

We would often go up in the summertime and take the sailboat to one of the many islands on Lake George and go camping. One thing Brock was really looking forward to was having grandchildren. I believe he would have been the perfect male role model for my boys and we couldn’t wait for them to meet him and spend time with him upstate in the country.
We are so thankful Brock was able to hold on until he could meet and hold his grandsons.

Meeting BF made us realize even more how much we miss Brock. Since we were not able to attend his ceremony, Chicken and I never properly grieved. Quite unexpectedly, this weekend propelled us into grieving. The realization that BF will never camp, hike, get dirty, play tennis or sail with our boys. BF is a former dancer with Martha Graha.m. He is an antiques dealer. He is very, very femmy. He’s not so good with babies…or the outdoors.
Chicken’s dad is a wonderful grandfather and we are lucky to have him, but oh what a pair he and Brock made.
We found ourselves crying in bed and holding one another as we realized the shattered dreams for our boys. Brock would have been the best grandpa ever and this weekend made us miss him more than ever.

The last time we saw Brock before he got sick was the day we told him we were pregnant with twins. Brock was a twin. He was filled with happiness for me. He was the only father figure I’ve ever had. I really miss him and I’m not ready for someone else to take his place.