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October 11, 2010

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Regret

The afternoon photo shoot only went marginally better. The boys were just OFF. The most off they’ve been in memory.

We didn’t get great shots and we spent a lot of money.
Word to the wise: Get your baby shots taken while they are still babies. After they’ve started crawling is TOO late.
I meant to do it. I did. I talked about it at the beginning of the summer. I contacted photographers. And then I stalled. I still very, very strange not having “my” money anymore and felt like it was an added expense that really wasn’t necessary. But as time passed, I realized I really wanted these photos and it turned out Chicken was completely supportive of the cost. There was no need to worry.

Now, I’m just sad.
I’m sad because I never got those itty, bitty baby photos that are so gorgeous and serene and innocent.
I’m sad because I will never be pregnant again and I’ll never get the chance to go back and get those photos.
I’m really upset with myself for not taking the time to get some better ‘twin’ shots of the boys when they were small. I’m ashamed that I thought I didn’t look good enough to have my photo taken with the boys, so as a result I have very few photos of me and my babies.
The whole thing fills me with guilt and I feel like I let my boys down. That I didn’t get those perfect baby photos.

I realized something today. I think I really did have PPD. I simply could.not.function at a level other new moms–even twin moms–seem to function. Poppy, I can’t imagine taking a baby photo shoot at 3 weeks!
I have not been able to ever write my birth story because it makes me so sad and confused.
I spent months in a haze just getting by on a day-to-day level and I swear, if it weren’t for Chicken, I don’t know how I would have made it. There were horrible–so horrible I’ve never blogged about it and only Chicken knows–things going on in my head and so many tears shed.
I’m better now and I know things are going to be OK.
I wish I’d gotten help then.
I really have a lot of regret.

But you know what? My boys faces light up with smiles when I walk in the room so through it all, I must be doing something right. I haven’t failed them completely. Sometimes, I just feel like a crappy mother for letting the ball drop and not getting things down. I know it’s just ‘photos’ but it was really important to me and now I’ll never have them.

At least I have these sweet faces looking at me everyday.