Monthly Archives

October 2010


I’ll Do (Almost) Anything

To make sure the babies don’t wake up.

They are pretty good sleepers now, but I still have the old fear in me.
Combine that with the fact that we have a one bedroom apartment and our bed is a mere 20 inches from the end of Grunter’s crib…well, it’s close quarters in here.

Every night, I curse the squeaky door while simultaneously sticking my foot out so the cat doesn’t dart past me, get in as fast as possible and softly shut the door behind me. Unfortunately, our door makes a discernible ‘click’ as it closes and inevitably one of the babies will stir. Not wake up, but stir-scare me.

I crept into bed, pulled up the duvet and got cosy.

Then I realized I had to pee. Crap. The boys were still stirring.
There was NO WAY I was going to click and squeak and risk them waking up.
So tired. Please pee feeling, please go away. Surely you can hold it all night.
Absolutely not.
I then had three thoughts:
  1. I wonder if we have an empty tupperware container in the room? (We do not. Completely irrational, but wistful thinking.)
  2. Dogs pee on the rug. I have a throw rug.
  3. I wonder how much pee a size 3 P.ampers can hold?
Then I got up and went to the bathroom. The twins did not wake up.
Sharing a one bedroom apartment with (almost) 9 month old twins is seriously starting to suck.

We thought we might move into a two bedroom apartment around their first birthday, but while our apartment went under rent stabilization last year, the prices of the 2-bedrooms have skyrocketed.
While I’m not going to talk about how much we currently pay, I will tell you that the 2 bedroom is almost TWO THOUSAND dollars (cough, gag, cough) more. For an extra bedroom that is about 200 square feet. That’s all we’d be gaining. Not going to happen.

For now, we’ll continue to creep softly.


My boys are always doing that “twin thing”.
Today, they both took off their left sock. Repeatedly. I would put it on (it was chilly out today) and they’d take it off immediately.
Today was the first time I’ve seen them holding hands except for when nursing. I can’t believe I got a picture of it in time!!
Just 3 days ago they started really interacting/noticing/playing with each other.
It is SO freaking adorable to watch them look at each other, smile and laugh. What a great age. What wonderful babies.
I am so lucky.

Yes, my son is wearing fuchsia striped and polka dotted socks. Because I like it.

P.S. I showered today!!! And early this evening Chicken kissed me on the neck and said, “you still smell like a curry puff”.
Hey, at least I’m still a Puff.
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Our Kitchen is Spotless, Not Us

As I was cleaning up the kitchen last night I pondered out loud, “I don’t think we’ve ever gone to bed with dirty dishes in the sink, have we?”

Chicken looked at me absolutely horrified and exclaimed loudly, “Oh god NO. I mean, I just…couldn’t.”
A clean house. That is clearly where our priorities lay. It drives both of us crazy to have a dirty, messy house.
A daily shower on the other hand? Priority? Not so much.
And since I’m back taking Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle for my milk supply, that means yours truly pretty much smells like a maple syrup dipped curry puff. It’s not a bad smell, just different.

Because the thing is, I can clean up the house and keep one eye (or both!) on the kids. Taking a shower? Cannot do.
I’ve read that some moms get up before the baby does so they can take a shower and put on makeup. Oh hell no. Especially since as of late, little Grunter has decided 5 or 5:30am is an acceptable wake up time and as of very recently–as in the last three days–he has started his day between 4:15 and 4:45. So, showering beforehand? I think not.

Then, there’s the option of showering during their morning nap. Except that’s when I nap as well. You know…so I can stay ALIVE. So again…choices….sleep or shower? SLEEP.

What about that afternoon nap? Well, that one is when I pump, feed myself, clean up all their food mess, make baby food, prep the next days baby meals, prep our dinner for that night, brush my teeth for the first time of the day, change out of my house outfit (yoga pants, nursing tank–usually the same ones I wore the day before until I realize I’ve been wearing the same clothes for…who knows? Who cares!), dab on concealer under my eyes and put on real clothes so I can take the boys out when they wake up. If the cat is lucky, I’ll even remember to feed him. Since the babies his name has become “Poor Cat.”
Not really any time for a shower. I’ve tested this and as soon as I sit down on the toilet, a baby will wake up. So, getting in the shower? Not going to happen.

I have the goal of taking a shower at night. Sometimes that happens. Often times, it does not.
By the time we get the babies to bed, pump, clean up the bath stuff, the highchairs, the dishes, the floor, wash the bottles, cook, eat and clean up dinner, pump again, clean the pumping gear….I’m DONE. I do not want to talk on the phone. I do not want to blog (well, I DO, but I am often to tired to actually do so), I don’t want to do much. I’m so exhausted that even taking a shower sounds like too much work.
Plus to top it off, I’m having insomnia and we’re trying to go to bed earlier since the boys are insisting on starting the day at an ungodly hour. There’s just not enough time to do it all.

So now you know. My dirty little secret. I am an unclean woman. And I don’t care.

Now I’m curious….how many of you SAHM’s shower everyday and WHEN do you do it??


The afternoon photo shoot only went marginally better. The boys were just OFF. The most off they’ve been in memory.

We didn’t get great shots and we spent a lot of money.
Word to the wise: Get your baby shots taken while they are still babies. After they’ve started crawling is TOO late.
I meant to do it. I did. I talked about it at the beginning of the summer. I contacted photographers. And then I stalled. I still very, very strange not having “my” money anymore and felt like it was an added expense that really wasn’t necessary. But as time passed, I realized I really wanted these photos and it turned out Chicken was completely supportive of the cost. There was no need to worry.

Now, I’m just sad.
I’m sad because I never got those itty, bitty baby photos that are so gorgeous and serene and innocent.
I’m sad because I will never be pregnant again and I’ll never get the chance to go back and get those photos.
I’m really upset with myself for not taking the time to get some better ‘twin’ shots of the boys when they were small. I’m ashamed that I thought I didn’t look good enough to have my photo taken with the boys, so as a result I have very few photos of me and my babies.
The whole thing fills me with guilt and I feel like I let my boys down. That I didn’t get those perfect baby photos.

I realized something today. I think I really did have PPD. I simply could.not.function at a level other new moms–even twin moms–seem to function. Poppy, I can’t imagine taking a baby photo shoot at 3 weeks!
I have not been able to ever write my birth story because it makes me so sad and confused.
I spent months in a haze just getting by on a day-to-day level and I swear, if it weren’t for Chicken, I don’t know how I would have made it. There were horrible–so horrible I’ve never blogged about it and only Chicken knows–things going on in my head and so many tears shed.
I’m better now and I know things are going to be OK.
I wish I’d gotten help then.
I really have a lot of regret.

But you know what? My boys faces light up with smiles when I walk in the room so through it all, I must be doing something right. I haven’t failed them completely. Sometimes, I just feel like a crappy mother for letting the ball drop and not getting things down. I know it’s just ‘photos’ but it was really important to me and now I’ll never have them.

At least I have these sweet faces looking at me everyday.


Of Course

The day before the photo shoot the toilet breaks and then water overflows from the tank flooding our bathroom, hallway and closet. Many things are ruined, including the hairdryer. We get everything cleaned and fixed quickly by management and we will be reimbursed, but I have no time to go buy another hair dryer.

This equals a not-so-good hair day for the family photo shoot.
And of course the babies wake up at 5:45 am and are super cranked out by 8:15 and cry for TWENTY-FIVE minutes before finally falling asleep for a mere 22 minute nap.
That is the worst nap since….June? July? A very, very long time.
They woke up before I could even shower and eat. Well, I got the shower in anyway.

So OF COURSE, when the photographer shows up at 10am, they are both fussy McFusspants and W2 who is pretty much Mr. Super Smiley these days isn’t in the mood to smile at all.
And of course, since Grunter has learned to crawl he Does.Not.Want.To.Sit.Still (or smile) making it very, very hard to get a good photo of the two of them together.
Chicken took the photographer out for lobster rolls and she’s coming back after they get up from their afternoon naps. Thank GOD. I hope the afternoon session goes better!!

I’m using the same photographer as the one who did my maternity photo shoot .

Too fast, little men

Did he really go from crawling just a month ago (and REALLY crawling only a week or so ago) to standing up??!!

This is all happening too fast.
Every twin mom I talk to says the first year is a blur. No kidding. Thank god I’m finding time to write down bits and pieces, I don’t think I’d remember a thing.

Whoop Whoop is balancing on his hands and knees now and sitting up for longer periods…won’t be long before he’s crawling, too!

Everyday we find something else to babyproof. They are always changing it up on us!
This stage is challenging but my god they are so stinking cute!! It’s a lot of fun watching them discover new things every day. I am so lucky.

We’ve been using sippy cups for more than a month now and the boys LOVE them. Total water addicts just like their mommies.

My next trick will be putting breast milk in their cups at dinner and reducing the size of their night time bottle in the hopes of weaning them from the bottle in the next couple of months. We’ll see how that goes…

We’ve got our first ever professional photo shoot scheduled for this Sunday. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous. I’ve been having panic attacks at night feeling like a horrible mother for not doing one when they were itty bitty. I just could never fathom a time period in the day where everyone (including the mommies) could be happy, rested, fed, clean and get somewhere and THEN take photos!! I should’ve just done it. I’ll always regret it.
I take OK photos, but trying to grab the camera with twins and get great shots….uh…very difficult.

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Wow, it’s been 2 weeks since I last posted. I think that’s the longest I’ve ever gone. Needless to say, it’s been a bit crazy around here.

The boys turned 8 months a week ago. I don’t know how that’s possible.

Grunter celebrated by getting sick and vomiting all night, followed by a day’s worth of diarrhea and then 5 more days of loosey, goosey poo and diaper blowouts. I will say we’ve never had to deal with any of that in 8 months, so we are lucky. I sat up all night in the recliner, barely clothed and covered my chest with a receiving blanket. When he would throw up, I’d toss that blanket aside and grab a new one. Poor guy. He was so sick he didn’t even want to nurse. But, by morning he was all smiles! The fever was gone and then he just pooped for a week.
He also choose that week to cut TWO teeth, learned how to get into a sitting up position on his own (he started sitting up last month) and truly crawling this past week. For the last month he’s been army scooting along and now, he’s really on the move.

It has been a LOT for him to deal with all with in a week/week and a 1/2 and it’s all been a bit much. He can’t stop himself from sitting up all the time and his sleep has been….well, sucky. With the teething and the new skills he wants to practice, we are not getting good sleep around here at all.

W2 celebrated his eight month birthday by cutting another tooth, sitting up on his own (but cannot get into a sitting position) and eating steel cut oatmeal and kiwi for the first time. He is an excellent eater and hasn’t really met a food yet that he doesn’t like or at least eat.

So far they have tried: avocado, bananas, applesauce, peaches, pears, pumpkin, acorn squash, butternut squash, carrots, zucchini, chicken, turkey, plums, nectarines, spinach, broccoli, green beans, corn, peas, apricots, mangos, prunes, raspberries, sweet potatoes, kiwi, baby oatmeal, Irish steel cut oatmeal and a few bites of yogurt just yesterday.

I’m making all of the food myself except for a few of the fruits like applesauce (which I buy organic in a big jar from Joes) and pears (organic jarred from Earth’s B.est). I just found it too time consuming to peel, core, poach and puree these fruits.
The baby food making is a full time job and I am going to be SO happy to move on to the next stage! I’ve tried giving them some ‘finger’ foods of fruits, but neither has master the pincher grasp and have no interest at all in feeding themselves. They mash it around their hands and look at it, but it doesn’t end up in their mouths. Oh well, in due time.

They are both very mobile in their own way, with W2 laying on his back and rolling from side to side to get what he wants. He seems to be mostly OK with waiting around for whatever toy Grunter brings by. But lately, when he gets on his belly and ‘swims’ we can tell he’s starting to get frustrated that he’s not getting anywhere.
Grunter is now all over the place and he’s just so cute to watch because he’s clearly proud of himself. Even his facial features have changed and he’s sporting this endearing grin most of the day. Well, part of the day.

They are both still pretty fussy babies and the teething and separation anxiety hasn’t helped. Oh the anxiety! I now understand what mothers mean when they say they can’t even go to the bathroom. Sometimes it doesn’t even matter if they can see me, they need me to be RIGHT THERE with them and that’s just not always possible. Having two wailing babies lose it multiple times a day so mommy doesn’t get a UTI is really nerve wracking.
Grunter is also going through a lot of stranger anxiety and it’s no fun to live in a place where well-meaning old ladies just have to stick their faces down close to his in the stroller. Nothing but screaming will happen lady!
Grunter really is having fun using me as a jungle gym and just wants to climb over me all day long and W2, well, I have to be honest: I don’t always know what he needs. He fusses if I hold him, he fusses if I don’t. He’s either super happy and all smiles or fussing. I wish he had some sort of medium control panel, but he’s all highs and lows.

I’m still breastfeeding them, but tandem feeding is getting nearly impossible. They are so fidgety and aware of everything. They pull each other’s hair and I’ve already caught myself saying “stop poking your brother in the eye!” W2 also has this thing where he wants to reach over and squeeze my other breast and twist my nipple. You know, the one Grunter is nursing. Of course when he does this, it pulls the nipple out of Grunter’s mouth–he screams and then I have to try to hold W2’s hand so he doesn’t do it again. But he tries–and succeeds–many times through a feeding session. He will NOT be deterred!

I feed them tandem first thing in the morning before breakfast while they are still sleepy and that goes well. Then I feed them again before each meal (lunch and dinner) and after each nap. It’s a lot of feeding…. Plus they get a bottle of BM before they go to bed.
If they wake up from their naps at different times that is really nice because we get one-on-one nursing sessions. Otherwise, it’s hard to only feed one while the other is there screaming.

The other day Grunter crawled over to me and tried to lift my shirt, so…wow. I never expected that. I couldn’t conceive of a day my baby could do that. Most days I feel like a giant boob to them as they are always coming at me mouths wide open. It’s absolutely adorable and I’m so happy to still be breastfeeding them.
My supply seems to have tanked a bit since they started sleeping through the night. That has me worried because I’d really like to make it a year.
I started setting an alarm for a middle of the night pump and while I’d rather be sleeping, I need to pump.
However, since the teething and being sick, I’m finding myself pumping at 1am, then being woken up by Grunter, nursing him in bed, then they are both up at 5 or 5:30am. This lasted over a week and it has been brutal. So brutal, that I can’t do anything but fantasize how to get more sleep. Lately, I go nap everytime they nap which leaves me very little time to get anything done, but I can’t get anything done without sleep. It’s a vicious cycle.

The last two nights have been a bit better, I stopped the middle of the night pumping until Grunter starts sleeping better. There’s no use to have that much fragmented sleep. And, they have been sleeping til 6:30am. I never thought that would sound late!

We keep very busy going on long walks, playing on the swings, going to family swim at the gym, Mommy and Me Yoga and Pilates, music classes (Grunter especially loves these!) and meeting up with other mom’s in the neighborhood. In the past month or two, I have met no fewer than 10 other twins mom’s. It’s crazy! Now that the weather has gotten cooler we can all go out for walks with our babies. In the summertime, the only time anyone could get out was at 8am and you don’t meet many people at that time. I have quite a few new mommy friends now and have even started up a babysitting swap so we can take turns with date night and no one has to pay for a baby sitter!

I only have HN here 20 hours a week now that she is back in school. I was so lucky and blessed to have her full time over the summer, but I’m managing on my own as well. There are good days and bad days. I never knew being a SAHM would be so hard. By the end of the day, I am just exhausted. There are so many posts I want to write, but just not enough hours in the day.

Every twin mom and dad I meet stops to say hi and tell me it will get better. Not necessarily easier, but better. Perhaps they see the fatigue in my eyes or perhaps they just know every twin mom needs a pep talk, especially in the first year!

Overall, this is an amazing time and we are thankful for these precious baby boys every single day. They are giving us so much joy and smiles. Every night when we go to bed we look at them sleeping in their cribs and just marvel how wonderful they are and that they are OURS. We love you boys. More than you will ever know.

If you’ve read this far, you deserve some pictures:)