Monthly Archives

November 2010

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Now You’re Talking!

Our little Grunter is just marking milestones left and right these days. Three days ago he stood on his own. It was only for a couple of seconds, but he did it and he’s done it everyday since. Crazy.

We’ve been practicing waving and saying bye bye for a long time now. Sometimes they seem to wave or at least there’s a movement of a hand. Sometimes not.

But yesterday as HN was leaving, we were in the living room and I was waving and saying “bye bye” and Grunter, without moving his hands at all, looked up at HN and said “bye bye”.
And then he went back to playing while HN and I squealed with joy!
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No More TV for You!

Yesterday, we were dealing with a pretty miserable kid. But, he still managed to ham it up for the camera. He IS a super flirt!


Today, it looks like W2’s cold was a 48 hour one, just like Grunter’s. Much worse, but short-lived.
He woke up off and on through the night, but would fuss himself back to sleep. But his crying early this morning, 3:55 am to be exact, was a different cry, so I brought him to bed with me and nursed him.

I don’t know how you co-sleepers do it, I really don’t. I get NO sleep when the baby is in bed with me and never have. My back and arms and neck are all askew and I’m pretty much twisted up in pain the entire time. I LOVE it, but can’t ever get comfortable all at the same time.

Anyway, he fell asleep in bed with me and I was able to put him back in his crib asleep. He slept until almost 7am when I had to wake him up because his brother had been awake since 5:30am!
Oh Grunter, you are killing me with your early morning wake ups!
I had nursed him at 6am and tried to put him back to bed as well, but that didn’t go so well.
And we’re up!

Good news is that Grunter seems to be A-OK so far and W2 woke up smiling and looking a lot more like his normal self.
Bad news is that he STILL hasn’t figured out how to sit/lay down in his crib and all he wants to do is stand up. Oh, the partying that goes on at nap time with the two of them. I’m sure the novelty will wear off after a little while but right now, it’s like Spring Break in there.
Did Whoop Whoop take a morning nap? Why no, he did not.
How about an afternoon nap. Negative.

I don’t know how the kid is doing it and he wasn’t even very fussy today. Thank GOD.


He fell asleep on me nursing at 5pm and I thought I’d skip dinner and bath and just put him straight to bed. But, while I was changing his diaper, his eyes popped open and he started laughing so…..we ate dinner, took a bath and went to bed as usual.
He doesn’t try so hard to get up in his crib at night. I think he’s so exhausted at that point he just lets me rub his back and stays down.

Eventually, he’s going to get it, right?? We keep practicing….It’s been 8 days now! Baby, lay down!
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Sicky Poofs

Poor Whoop Whoop has really caught a bad cold. About a week and 1/2 ago, Grunter had a little cough/sneeze thing going, but it was in and out within 48 hours and he never really acted that much different.

But W2, oh the poor baby. He wakes himself (and me) up all night long with the coughing and sneezing. He has a low fever (100.4-7). We’ve dosed him up with tylenol and tried to keep him entertained.

Mostly we have divided and conquered with Chicken taking Grunter out and about to play outside and do what they normally do, while W2, who does not feel like going out and about, stays inside with me.
Today, I did what I swore I’d never do before the age of 2: We sat in the recliner and we watched TV. Yes, I’m admitting it. We watched some cartoon movie and some Spong.ebob for an hour. Then, in the afternoon we watched some movie about a kid and his dog. He laid back against me watching the TV, very snuggly and quiet. From time to time he turned into me and nursed. Once, he almost fell asleep. It was all very sweet and I admit I enjoyed it alot.
It was so much easier than trying to engage him when he just wanted to lay there but laying there was too boring for him to enjoy. I understand why people do this.
If he feels this bad tomorrow, we will hunker down for a little TV watching again, I’m sure.
Grunter thinks he’s died and gone to heaven. Man, that screen is addictive.

There has been a few episodes of vomiting as well. And we haven’t had time to do laundry. I knew how bad it had gotten when I realized I didn’t have any pj bottoms and found myself pulling things out of the basket saying, “Does this have vomit on it?” I decided that it was truly dirty if it had been vomited on. If not, back on they went.

Whew, sick kids are hard ya’ll. This parenting thing is no joke. But this weekend, while hard, was actually good. I really enjoyed spending 100% one-on-one time with Whoop Whoop, even if he was vomiting on me. And to see the look on Grunter’s face when he walked in the door and saw me was awesome. They are the best. Hard, but the best.

Happy 10 Month Old Birthday, Boys! Get Well Soon.
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Update

For Alicia–Try it again.


For Everyone Else–Thank you for your support.

I said a little prayer this morning when the crying started at 3:30am, then 4:30am and then they were up for the day at 5:30am.
Deep breath. Today is going to be a better day.

I have the names and numbers of two shrinks. The funny (not funny ha ha) thing is that when I thought about getting some help earlier this summer, I contacted a friend who sent me references. These were therapists who all specialized in PPD. I called 3 or 4 of them who were within reasonable commuting distance for me.
Not ONE of them ever called me back and I called some of them multiple times.
Right about this time, HN started and I was able to get some more sleep. The more sleep I had, the better I felt and soon I didn’t feel like I was slipping down the slope at all.

The past 2 months we’ve been in a sleep regression. As in waking up at 4:30-5am. I nap when I can, but the accumulation is wearing on me.
I think this past week, with Grunter waking up super early (it’s always Grunter) and Whoop Whoop crying all through his naps and not sleeping most of the time….something in me snapped. Because when I can’t get enough sleep, simple things in life become oh-so-challenging. I never knew I would be so delicate from the effects of sleep deprivation, but I am.

It’s Day 6 of the standing up in the crib. Whoop Whoop still hasn’t figured out how to get down.
This is what I posted on the Twins Forum:

We have standing play toys he has been using for a couple of weeks, but he can’t sit down at those either. Everyday we ‘practice’ with him, but he’s just too scared to let go (both at the toys and at his crib).

The other afternoon I went in 15 times in their hour nap. He never stayed down, popped right by up by the time I got to the door and was crying again. Another time, I tried to let him CIO, thinking he’s going to have to ‘get it’. He cried for the hour standing up. Another time he almost fell asleep standing up at the rail but was still softly crying. I’ve stayed at the crib trying to rub his back and get him sleepy. Sometimes this works, other days it doesn’t work. One afternoon I nursed him back to sleep.
Another morning, I tried to nurse him back to sleep–but it didn’t work. Another morning I rubbed his back until he went back to sleep completely.

Sometimes he and his brother just stand in their cribs facing each other (the cribs are in an L shape) and yell/play/cry together and no one naps. Sometimes his brother lays down and sleeps through the entire thing.

So far, no answers. Just someone who offered me a pack n play to separate them. That doesn’t help! We have no where to put it! (It was a nice offer, though)

Today, we have let W2 CIO for 30 minutes and then Chicken has gone in to rub his back until he goes to sleep. With me, he just lunges for my boobs. He does not sit / lay back down on his own. Ever.

To top it off, he woke up this morning coughing and sneezing with a runny nose.

Tonight, my wonderful wife is cooking me a filet mignon with a red wine mushroom sauce, mashed potatoes with leeks and sauteed spinach with garlic. She is the best. I am going to have a nice glass of wine on the side, skip my last pump and go to bed early (and hope my boobs make it through the night without clogging).

Tomorrow I will wake up (but hopefully not at 4:30am), breathe deep and say a little prayer before facing another day.

It’s going to get better. It always does.

Thank you for blog-cheering me on.

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Crack on the Surface


Something happened to me this week. I don’t know what.
It’s not good. I am not coping well and I’m feeling very fragile.
It seemed to happen so fast.
Chicken and I have talked. She is worried about me as I am not me.
I am loathe to admit I need help, but this time I’m admitting it.
My biggest fear is to tell someone how I really feel because then they will know that I am really a monster with horrible thoughts.
I guess that’s why it’s called depression. There is this big, black hole and I am sliding down the edges.

Chicken asked me if I would think about weaning because that would ‘give me a break’. Right now my day revolves around pumping and breastfeeding. There are only small opportunities for breaks in between.
But I really don’t want to stop. I am finding so much that is overwhelming right now, but when I feed these boys….life is good. It’s easy to feed them one on one. It’s the best part of my days. I know they love me and that I am making them happy at that moment. The other moments could be filled with tears and crying and whining and more crying and yes, smiles and laughter, too. But when I’m holding them in my arms and giving them comfort from my body, I am at peace. I don’t want that taken away, even it if means I would finally get a ‘day off’. Right now, I need that just as much as they do.

Today a new reader commented on this post I’d written years ago. It was actually perfect timing to read it over today. I found myself thinking, “well at least I can do better than my mom”, but my god, the bar is LOW.
I long to have children that love me. I want them to have the best childhood memories, full of cuddles and kisses and TRUST. I had none of that. Surely I can do this. I must kiss them a hundred times a day. I want to hold them tight and protect them from everyone.

I feel like a train wreck. Everything was so good last weekend and had been for a long time. This week everything went to hell and I’m not handling life’s curveball.
Motherhood is so very, very hard.

I don’t know if I can blog about this. I’m feeling very raw and exposed just writing this much.
I’ve only got one shot to get this right.
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How Quickly I Forgot

Whoop Whoop is crazy from the standing and I am crazy from the crying. Grunter went through the same thing a month or so ago, but I don’t remember it being quite this bad.

The morning nap isn’t SO bad, but the afternoon nap is wretched. He stands up in the crib and then he just can’t get back down. I keep practicing with him, but he hasn’t gotten it yet.
I want to go back in and help him, but the day I did that too soon, Grunter wasn’t asleep yet. Well, once Grunter saw me they both started wailing and I’m now trying to comfort both of them. It was complete chaos and tears. That day neither of them napped. I’ve never had a day like that.

Today, I waited until I couldn’t hear Grunter anymore and went in to help W2 down. By the time I got to the door, he was standing back up again. Back I go, show him how to get back down, rub his back, try to calm him down and….same thing.
This is normally the time I use to pump and eat lunch. That didn’t happen today. I stood at the door, peeking through the crack and every time W2 would get up, I’d go back in and repeat.
After 15 times and over 45 minutes with his cries now a “10”, I knew he wasn’t going to “get it”. Not today. Not this nap. I nursed him to sleep and put him back to bed sleeping.
He had to get some sleep and this was the only way, but I need him to figure out how to get down, not how to get me to nurse him to sleep!

Luckily, Grunter, who is inches away from his brother’s head, slept through the entire thing. Which is why I tell mother’s of twins….keep your kids sleeping in the same room–they WILL learn to sleep through each other crying! It’s amazing!

I just don’t know what to do or how long this is going to take. Any advice from those who are dealing/have dealt with this??
I don’t remember it being this bad or taking this long with Grunter, but maybe it did and I’m blocking it out because it was that bad. All I know is that Chicken, who was on a conference call (in the hallway as there was nowhere to go in the apartment!), heard how bad it was and offered to take them out for an hour after they woke up. She is such an amazing mamma and partner to me.

I just sat on the bed and cried after she left. These are the days that I feel like such a failure as a mother. I get very overwhelmed on afternoons such as these and just wonder what the hell I’m doing. Being a stay at home mom is the best thing on earth, but my god, I had NO idea how hard raising twins was going to be–especially going through the sucky stuff like this, TWICE.
I’m so thankful for all the good days we’ve been having and just keep taking deep breaths and reminding myself that tomorrow is a new day.

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Cat with Limited Life

I’m not sure our cat is going to have nine lives. I might kill him first.

The babies have had the WORST time going down for an afternoon nap today. I have been expecting some tears and fears from Whoop Whoop as he wants to stand up in his crib and can’t quite get down yet.
So, every night and for every nap, I have to go in to ‘rescue’ him. Grunter is usually already asleep and shortly thereafter, W2 falls asleep. Not so bad.

Today, they are both crying and crying. I go in, put them both down but to no avail.
The crying stops and starts. I go in again, but it doesn’t help.
Finally, I hear the fucking cat meowing to get out of the bedroom.
This is the SECOND time today the cat has disrupted their nap. He jumps on the bed while they are still awake, walks in front of their cribs, etc.
It drives the babies crazy with excitement and frustration and they never fall asleep.

So here it is, almost an HOUR since they went to their crib. The cat is out, Grunter has stopped crying and so has…..nope. No, he hasn’t. W2 is now wailing.

Cat, you’d better hide. There’s no love from me right now.

Going to see if I need to rescue W2 again. Poor baby.
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What I’m Digging Right Now

I need to make more of an effort to find some new music. If you’ve been on FB in the last 24 hours, you’ll know how I found this band.
LOVING IT.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about….I’ll try to post the FB video. It will surely put a smile on your face:)