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November 20, 2010



For Alicia–Try it again.

For Everyone Else–Thank you for your support.

I said a little prayer this morning when the crying started at 3:30am, then 4:30am and then they were up for the day at 5:30am.
Deep breath. Today is going to be a better day.

I have the names and numbers of two shrinks. The funny (not funny ha ha) thing is that when I thought about getting some help earlier this summer, I contacted a friend who sent me references. These were therapists who all specialized in PPD. I called 3 or 4 of them who were within reasonable commuting distance for me.
Not ONE of them ever called me back and I called some of them multiple times.
Right about this time, HN started and I was able to get some more sleep. The more sleep I had, the better I felt and soon I didn’t feel like I was slipping down the slope at all.

The past 2 months we’ve been in a sleep regression. As in waking up at 4:30-5am. I nap when I can, but the accumulation is wearing on me.
I think this past week, with Grunter waking up super early (it’s always Grunter) and Whoop Whoop crying all through his naps and not sleeping most of the time….something in me snapped. Because when I can’t get enough sleep, simple things in life become oh-so-challenging. I never knew I would be so delicate from the effects of sleep deprivation, but I am.

It’s Day 6 of the standing up in the crib. Whoop Whoop still hasn’t figured out how to get down.
This is what I posted on the Twins Forum:

We have standing play toys he has been using for a couple of weeks, but he can’t sit down at those either. Everyday we ‘practice’ with him, but he’s just too scared to let go (both at the toys and at his crib).

The other afternoon I went in 15 times in their hour nap. He never stayed down, popped right by up by the time I got to the door and was crying again. Another time, I tried to let him CIO, thinking he’s going to have to ‘get it’. He cried for the hour standing up. Another time he almost fell asleep standing up at the rail but was still softly crying. I’ve stayed at the crib trying to rub his back and get him sleepy. Sometimes this works, other days it doesn’t work. One afternoon I nursed him back to sleep.
Another morning, I tried to nurse him back to sleep–but it didn’t work. Another morning I rubbed his back until he went back to sleep completely.

Sometimes he and his brother just stand in their cribs facing each other (the cribs are in an L shape) and yell/play/cry together and no one naps. Sometimes his brother lays down and sleeps through the entire thing.

So far, no answers. Just someone who offered me a pack n play to separate them. That doesn’t help! We have no where to put it! (It was a nice offer, though)

Today, we have let W2 CIO for 30 minutes and then Chicken has gone in to rub his back until he goes to sleep. With me, he just lunges for my boobs. He does not sit / lay back down on his own. Ever.

To top it off, he woke up this morning coughing and sneezing with a runny nose.

Tonight, my wonderful wife is cooking me a filet mignon with a red wine mushroom sauce, mashed potatoes with leeks and sauteed spinach with garlic. She is the best. I am going to have a nice glass of wine on the side, skip my last pump and go to bed early (and hope my boobs make it through the night without clogging).

Tomorrow I will wake up (but hopefully not at 4:30am), breathe deep and say a little prayer before facing another day.

It’s going to get better. It always does.

Thank you for blog-cheering me on.


Crack on the Surface

Something happened to me this week. I don’t know what.
It’s not good. I am not coping well and I’m feeling very fragile.
It seemed to happen so fast.
Chicken and I have talked. She is worried about me as I am not me.
I am loathe to admit I need help, but this time I’m admitting it.
My biggest fear is to tell someone how I really feel because then they will know that I am really a monster with horrible thoughts.
I guess that’s why it’s called depression. There is this big, black hole and I am sliding down the edges.

Chicken asked me if I would think about weaning because that would ‘give me a break’. Right now my day revolves around pumping and breastfeeding. There are only small opportunities for breaks in between.
But I really don’t want to stop. I am finding so much that is overwhelming right now, but when I feed these boys….life is good. It’s easy to feed them one on one. It’s the best part of my days. I know they love me and that I am making them happy at that moment. The other moments could be filled with tears and crying and whining and more crying and yes, smiles and laughter, too. But when I’m holding them in my arms and giving them comfort from my body, I am at peace. I don’t want that taken away, even it if means I would finally get a ‘day off’. Right now, I need that just as much as they do.

Today a new reader commented on this post I’d written years ago. It was actually perfect timing to read it over today. I found myself thinking, “well at least I can do better than my mom”, but my god, the bar is LOW.
I long to have children that love me. I want them to have the best childhood memories, full of cuddles and kisses and TRUST. I had none of that. Surely I can do this. I must kiss them a hundred times a day. I want to hold them tight and protect them from everyone.

I feel like a train wreck. Everything was so good last weekend and had been for a long time. This week everything went to hell and I’m not handling life’s curveball.
Motherhood is so very, very hard.

I don’t know if I can blog about this. I’m feeling very raw and exposed just writing this much.
I’ve only got one shot to get this right.