I’m not referring to my photos being stolen on posted on FB…I’ve since learned that the girl probably wasn’t even pregnant, let alone with twins…so that just makes her crazy and makes me a little sad for her. Sure, it’s weird. But, in the end no harm was done.
What I want to talk about is how I’m scared to get dressed these days. That might be a little dramatic. But I feel like I’m becoming a good candidate for “Not What to Wear”.
I decided this while walking to Union Square the last two days and realizing that I don’t make eye contact with many people these days because I don’t like how I look/what I’m wearing.
My life has become a uniform of comfortable-quick-to-put-on (which usually means no laces or buckles) shoes/boots, yoga pants (though I’ve done exactly 2 yoga classes in the past 23 months) and a baggy shirt of some sort that looks even more attractive paired with a nursing tank underneath. The lovely, over-grown out, needs-new-highlights, thinning mop of hair is almost always in a clip or pony tail. There are STILL dark circles under my eyes every single day. I fear they may never go away at this point. I try my best to simply look presentable when I go out, but it’s usually such a mad dash to:
- Feed the twins
- Clean it and them all up
- Diaper Changes
- Gimme that diaper
- Bring the wipes back
- Don’t touch your penis it has poop on it
- Do you have to toss every single wipe out of the container?
- Let’s put the wipes back in
- OMG, you took off your socks again?
- I’m sorry he poked you in the eye, that must’ve hurt. Come here.
- Hugs and Cuddles.
- Let’s find those socks
- Jackets on
While all of this is going on, it gets HOT and I’ve found that I can’t do much of the above with many clothes on or else I end up an overheated, sweaty mess. So, I lay out my clothes that I’m going to wear next to their stroller, strap the boys in and then put my clothes/shoes/coat on as fast as possible before they also get hot and cranky.
My point is: there’s not a lot of time to put an effort into how I “Look”.
But the bigger question is: Who AM I? I don’t know how this mommy person is supposed to look. I’ve lost all of the baby weight so all of my old clothes fit me–that’s not the problem. But, I’d hung on to all of those clothes for so long–determined to get pregnant and not wanting to spend any extra money, so much to the extent that I’d started shopping at Goodwill!–that I am BEYOND sick of them. So, I’ve packed up at least half of my closet and donated it to Goodwill.
I’ve done a bit of shopping here (I really hate shopping) and there but I just can’t figure out my “style” anymore. Plus, while I’ve lost the weight, I’ve also lost the muscle. My size is an ‘issue’ to find (Chicken: no one wants to hear that). I have a lot of “flabbaloge” around my middle (Chicken: Shut Up.) that I need to do something about…but haven’t. Thus, I try to hide under a baggy shirt and fitted jeans/leggings. It’s not the best look. And Chicken tells me I have nothing to hide so clearly I also have body dysmorphia. Yeah me!
I’m a mother. I’m of a certain age (ahem, over 40). I’m struggling with this new identity and how it looks on me.
I guess I thought when I became a mother, I would ease into it and look put together like so many mothers I see out there. I would finally look like a grown up. Yeah, that’s it.
I don’t and I don’t even know what “that” looks like on me.
The Z is helping with all of this, but I’m still not sure what motherhood should look like.
Are any other new (ish) mothers struggling with this as well??