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June 15, 2011

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Manny Revisited

Well, that post certainly got some people riled up!

I never meant for it to be so provoking and I really was interested in what others thought.
As for myself, initially I *thought* I would be OK with it. But the more I sat on it and let it sink in, I knew I could never hire a manny.

Here’s why:

I was sexually/emotionally/physically abused starting from age 6 until I was 20. By men. All of them from the age of 6-13 were caregivers. They were the ones who were supposed to make sure I was SAFE and instead, well….they really fucked up my life for a long time. One ended up being my step-father. My mother knew he was sexually abusing me (because I told her and begged her not to marry him) but she convinced herself that I was lying and married him anyway. When I fought the sexual abuse, the beatings got worse. I was made to choose my own branch that he would whip me with and I had to strip naked for the beating. Good Times.

I’m still not sure why I’m not crazier than I am! No seriously, I must’ve been a strong little girl, because no one came around to save me and I just kept on surviving and fighting. Unfortunately I am now in my 40’s and my urge to keep fighting to survive is so ingrained in me, I really don’t know of another way to live. I don’t need to fight anymore. I am doing SO much more than surviving. I never learned the right way to ‘connect’ with people and I can often rub people the wrong way with my fighter ways. I don’t want my kids to end up in the wrong hands–which they can with either sex–but no matter what you might think, the majority of sex crimes and abuse to children are committed by men. There. That’s what I think.

I am scarred for life by this. To this day, when I see a little girl siting on her father’s lap my VERY FIRST thought is, “He’s totally getting off on that. That’s how it all starts.” Followed by my second thought which is “No, no, no, no, no. It doesn’t always have to be like that.” Will that first voice ever leave my head? I doubt it. I know it’s not rational, but I just can’t stop the thought and I find myself looking closely at the man–watching watching for a sign. I am skeptical.
Because of my experience I am less skeptical of gay men, but overall, I would worry.
Right or wrong, I would worry.

I don’t want to worry. I don’t need more stress.

We are good here. Busy, but good. I still don’t have a nanny. More on that later…
And the unchallenge. Good Lord, I still want to catch up on that. Maybe.
Loving Summer. Loving these Boys.
Life is really quite awesome right now.