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April 3, 2013

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Bringing Up the Past and Letting Go of Anger

Have you ever found yourself unexpectedly facing the past?  A past that consumes you with anger?
Oh, my past.  There are so many stories to tell.  Many that I’ve forgotten and many more that I want to forget.
Damn you, FB.

An innocent friend request.  Someone from my 20+ years ago past.
I hesitated for over a month.
Finally, I accepted.  When, out of curiosity, I scrolled through her friend list the name I found hit me hard and sent me reeling.
In an instant I was back there again.  I knew better but I couldn’t resist, I’d gone too far already.  I clicked through and found the current details.  I saw photos and almost vomited.
My skin crawled and anger rose instantly.

I’d hoped she was dead.  She’d almost died so many times.
But there she was.  A new name.  Much older and withered, but very much alive.

My first love.  She not only broke my heart, but she broke me.
The emotional, physical, financial and psychological pain she caused me all those years before derailed my life for the better part of a decade.

Reliving those memories is not something I want to do.  But now I’m forced to do so.  And I’m angry.
My god, for the last 2 days I have been so incredibly angry.

Last night, I meditated and let my mind go.  I remembered the past.  The snapshots of toxic ‘us’ played in my head.  I tried to forgive myself for making such bad choices.
My entire life had been filled with drama and abuse and bad choices.  There were no good role models for me to model any other type of behavior.  Of course, I would be attracted to complete trash.  I was trash myself.
Ouch.  Cutting myself open and bleeding it out.  Bleeding out the trash, the past, the filth, the lies, the love, the hate….letting it all go.
I cried for that girl I used to be.  I was only 21 and I was such a fucked up mess.  How damaged must I have been to love someone like that.

I want no ties to that.  I can’t erase my past.  What’s done is done and I paid the price heavily.  But I need to remember it, embrace it, forgive it and let it go.

Easier said than done.  How do I do that?
I’ve come so far in my life and this one act brought me back 23 years.  It punched me in the gut and rocked my emotional state.  I need to let it go.

How do you let go of anger?

I defriended the original request as I don’t want my perpetrator to have any access to my life/details.