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A Whole Lotta Damn’s.

Home Again. Thank GOD.

I forgot just how damn cold my MIL’s house is. She’s like a popsicle, that one. I do love sitting in the living room with the fire going and everyone hanging out. Except this year. The wood got wet and all we got was a lousy DuraFlame which doesn’t give out any damn heat. Did you know that?? I did not. And so, there was nowhere to go in the house except upstairs to our bedroom where we control the heat. Needless to say, I spent many hours under the covers sleeping, reading and spooning in order to stay alive. I’m sure I was tagged the anti-social daughter-in-law.

We got home on Saturday night and it is SO nice to be home again. Four days with family is really about 2 days too long for me. K’s family is great, but if the weather is not cooperative (icy and/or rainy) there’s nothing to do. I mean nothing. It starts to get a little Shining-like. Games are all fine and dandy but not if you’re going to freeze to death playing them. I was beyond bored and so ready to go home by Christmas night.

I forgot to mention that I spoke to my mom on Christmas morning while I was crying in bed. One thing this past year has taught me is that my mom–despite the mother she was (or wasn’t) while I was growing up–has changed. She will never be the mother I wish for, but she’s doing a damn good job being there for me with this TTC journey.
At times like this, a mother’s support is priceless. K’s family is very supportive, but they are mostly happy alcoholic ostriches. They will hug you, but they don’t want to talk about ‘it’ or hear about ‘it’ because then they have to confront that everything is not OK. I liken them to having their heads in the sand like an ostrich and when forced to face reality (you know, like, everyday) the solution is to drink! Which is why there is a strict starting time of a 5pm cocktail hour in their household.

So while I ‘feel’ their support around us, it’s not like my mother who wants to know how I am and what’s next and she’s so sorry and how much she’s praying for us. Just knowing that someone is not afraid to talk about ‘it’ means so much.
This TTC journey has taken so long that I think K’s family has no idea what to say. I never dreamed I’d have a child by Christmas, but I thought I’d at least be pregnant. Hey, I know how old I am and I thought I was aiming realistically! Christmas was hard. Much harder than I ever thought it would be.

My clinic was closed over the holidays so there was no way to come in for Day 3 bloodwork. That’s OK, it’s too late for me to do an IVF cycle for Januaray anyway as they are solidly booked. AF was not herself (again) this month. She came a day late, but her visit was clotting and crampy and only lasted 2 days. This is not usual for me.
I can’t believe I’m taking another break, but here we are: one month on, one month off since August.
It’s good for my body to take a breather and clear out some of the drugs before we start pumping me full up again but damn I feel like I’m running out of time.

The miscarriage, combined with a failed/poor responder IVF cycle immediately following, has left me in a low-hope stage.
I had remained incredibly hopeful up until October. This past year has been difficult, but not nearly as hard as it could be. I have never been without hope that I can do this.
When I failed to respond to the IVF drugs, it hit me that IVF isn’t the magic bullet. Yes, I have options and I am so damn lucky to have them, but none of the options will guarantee me a real live baby.
When I realized this is when I started losing hope. So I’m going into this next cycle trying my best to keep my head up and find that hope again.

This baby, in whatever form it takes, will come when it is ready to be here with us.
I just have to accept this and let it go.
I find this is much easier to do on a beach.

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9 Comments

  • Reply cindyhoo2 December 29, 2008 at 9:44 pm

    I am so sorry this is hard for you right now. I can totally relate to your point about IVF not being a ‘sure thing.’ I know that the stress comes from the uncertainty and we all end up in that place at times. I hope you feel better soon.

  • Reply Sarah at Notes from 2 Moms December 29, 2008 at 9:51 pm

    whether ttc or laboring your comment is spot on – your baby will come when it is ready. i have faith and hope and lots of good thoughts all for you. hang on.

  • Reply A December 29, 2008 at 10:01 pm

    Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. Nobody wants to be on a break and it’s so frustrating when our bodies don’t cooperate. It’s great you have the support of your Mother during this time. Keep your head up. Good things will happen in the new year.

  • Reply N December 29, 2008 at 10:06 pm

    Breaks blow giant chunks.

    I’m so glad you have your mother there. :hugs:

    However it may come about, you will be one yourself. You will. And if you can’t hold the hope for a while, we can hold it for you.

  • Reply Mommy and Mamita December 29, 2008 at 10:27 pm

    I’m glad you are getting support from your mother. So sorry about the forced break, although it sounds like you are making the best of it. I thought your new IVF protocol involved a luteal phase start, so why would you need to have Day 3 bloodwork? Just curious.

  • Reply Carrie December 29, 2008 at 11:51 pm

    so excited about your cabo trip! so cool that it’s virtually free! im glad to hear your mom is coming around, i imagine that kind of support to be really nice. (My mom is more like K’s mom…except she won’t even ask me about it, doesnt want to talk about it, etc)
    keep us posted on your trip!!!! have fun girls!

  • Reply anofferingoflove December 30, 2008 at 1:14 am

    K’s family sounds like my partner’s (minus the drinking – they are all completely sober all the time, which may be worse!). we were with them for 4 days over christmas and no one said a word about our recent miscarriage. it made me feel so alone.

    your mother sounds like a wonderful support. it’s nice you were able to speak with her while with the in-laws!

    sorry to hear about the forced break, those really suck. im entering my next cycle hopeless too…maybe we can support each other. i think i have more hope for you than for myself!! :)

  • Reply wishinghopingpraying December 30, 2008 at 6:58 am

    Breaks are the devils handiwork, I am sure of it. I am so happy your mom is there to support you through all of this.

  • Reply eggdance January 2, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    I’m so glad that your mom has been able to be there for you– I have really found myself wanting to lean on my mom during several parts of this process and she’s has been pretty great too.

    It has been said (to me and by me) before, but we will carry the hope for you even when you feel you cannot. Hang in there. Your baby is coming.

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