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But That was Last Week

And this is this week.

After a session where my therapist analyzed my bad dream (I didn’t figure out those characters myself) we spoke about my need to always remain composed and in control.
It’s a survival skill set that I learned early in life and it has suited me quite well. But it can outwardly make me appear that I need no help whatsoever thank you very much when inside I’m screaming.
I hate showing any sign of weakness because in my past…weakness simply was not permissible.
That caused me to think long and hard about the situation at hand (not that I haven’t been doing this already)…but with a different focus of trying to ask for help inside of stifling the screams.

The failure of the non-start IVF cycles have really thrown me for a loop. It wasn’t until this point I felt a scream building up inside me. Even after the m/c, I carried on and remained positive.
I sure as hell never expected to suddenly find out in the middle of all this that I’m also hypothyroid. How I wish I’d known to ask them for this test at the very beginning. But they had a test from the previous year and those results are good for 2 years. Also, the ‘normal’ ranges my RE uses are much higher than present standards, so even if they’d tested it one year ago, they would’ve called it normal.
For TTC, your TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) should be between 1-2 (new standards).
My RE’s cut off is 5.5 (old standards).
Mine is 6.27.
Big difference, eh?

So, this week I picked myself up, called my GP requesting all thyroid blood work from the last decade (yes, I’m one of those people who has a full physical evaluation and blood work done once a week—except for last year).
Armed with this, I got in with one of the best endocrinologist’s in the city and we are working to come up with treatment.
I knew as soon as I walked in his office and saw Buddha statues all over I was in good hands. I’ve been on synthroid one week now…and I’ll go for more tests in 3 weeks to retest the TSH levels as well as thyroid antibodies, Free T3 and Free T4. In addition, he is concerned that I may have also have a problem with my adrenal functioning properly, so we’ll do tests on those as well.

It pains me so to think this could be the reason for my m/c and so many months that looked like it might have been a chemical.
Please ladies, if you’re not getting pregnant and you haven’t had your thyroid tested, go do it! You don’t have to go to an RE, you can have your GP do it. I wish someone had told me…

The good news is that the meds could work quickly and get me down to a TSH level of 1 or 2 in one month’s time.
If that happens and the other tests come back normal, I would know just in time to get back on the Day 21 Estrogen Priming protocol for March IVF.
If not….we adjust the meds and try for an April start.

I’m feeling extremely empowered this week and my dreams reflect it. The latest?
I was having s.ex with a heavily pregnant Asian woman. It was super hot. Um, my wife is not Asian. I mean, I’ve had a few Asian girlfriends, but K is not one of them! But it’s all good, she’s cool like that with me and my dreams.
I have no idea what my therapist will make of this, but I’m anxious to hear it!
Any guesses?

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10 Comments

  • Reply The Amily Diaries February 6, 2009 at 9:45 pm

    wow, i am really glad that you have found out some new and possibly detrimental information regarding your TSH levels. My RE did this test first thing and I thought nothing of it till the results came back and my levels were a little low. Luckily she tested again and it was a little better. I hope things only get better from here!

  • Reply Jackie February 6, 2009 at 10:52 pm

    Great post. So happy to hear that a major mystery may have been solved. I really hope that this is it!

    Go on with your empowered self!

  • Reply queerstork February 7, 2009 at 1:39 am

    I think your dream was an amalgamation of different wishes – you want to be pregnant and you want to be in Thailand and you want to make sweet love to a lady. All sounds perfectly healthy to me!

  • Reply insertmetaphor February 7, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    I’m glad you found out about the thyroid and it’s easy to treat. I remember our acupuncturist saying that the US has very lax standards compared to Europe for thyroid levels relating to fertility even though there’s strong evidence that slightly abnormal levels can have a big impact.

    I really hope you take this information and move forward and not dwell too much on the past and the reason for your miscarriage. There are so many possible reasons, I just don’t want to see you kicking yourself and thinking you could have prevented it. I know that’s probably easier said than done.
    xo

  • Reply eeney meeney miney mommy February 7, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    I absolutly love the imagery of you having sex with a goddess of fertility.

    You are on the right path my dear and your dreams will come to fruition.

  • Reply Mommy and Mamita February 7, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    It is good to hear that you like the new endocrinologist and that you are on track to get the thyroid issues addressed. Hopefully, getting your thyroid levels in line with bring on that sticky BFP.

  • Reply Nancy February 7, 2009 at 10:52 pm

    You might want to think twice about being on Synthroid. Even the best endocrinologists don’t get it. Read this page: http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/t4-only-meds-dont-work And this one about the TSH; http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/tsh-why-its-useless They are from a patient activist website. She also has a great blog.

  • Reply journeytowardsourbaby February 7, 2009 at 11:05 pm

    That’s interesting information about thyroid – thanks for sharing. K has been tested often and just told it’s normal but it makes want to know the actual figures now and compare. Don’t beat yourself up about it though, as you said the results were deemed to be normal last year so you couldn’t have done anything differently anyway.

    Hopefully the meds do their thing quickly!

    And it’s so hard to deal with the lack of control in this whole process – but especially if you have control issues to begin with, trust me I’m with you on that one!

  • Reply cindyhoo2 February 8, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    I have missed catching up on people’s blogs all week and I miss not 1 but 2 symbol-laden dreams! Sorry for your out-of-control feelings. I think we under-estimate how much a failed IVF can mess with our sense that we will end this TTC process with an actual child. It’s scary and even the toughest of us (you are in this group)have to crack under the pressure at times.

    Finding out about your thyroid condition is a very promising step: I would imagine.

    I am glad this week’s dream is more hopeful. I am guessing that you are symbolically making love to your own fertile self in your dream… good stuff… very nurturing of self after your last therapy session. But honestly, I can’t guess why you made your fertile self Asian. Do you view Asian women as particularly womanly?

  • Reply indigoscot February 9, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    my dp is hypothyroid due to an auto-immune disorder. she was put on synthroid because her tsh at the time was 128. yes, you are reading that correctly. however, her condition can have bursts where her thyroid is normal or hyPERthyriod so right now her tsh is at 0.061. yes, you are reading that correctly too. we test again next week to see if it’s improved any. until it’s between 1 and 2 we are on hold!!!! with your tsh only being 6.27 the re should have it back to normal fairly soon. i doubt that it caused your m/c unless it was a ton higher back then. did you get tested for auto-immune issues? dp has hashimoto’s. good luck!

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