Dream a Little Dream

Last week I had a dream that I’d been kidnapped by two men.  One was the really bad guy and the other one (representing my two abusers as a child) was bad, but more like “I don’t think we should be doing this” but doing it anyway bad.

I kept trying to run away and scream for help.  I screamed and screamed but no one could ever hear me.
Once, I got close enough to a lady (representing my mother), grabbed her arm and pleaded with her to please help me.  Get me out of here.  She looked terrified of me and shook my arm off, and ran away.  I was left in tears wondering why no one would help me.  Why?
In the end, I escaped but I was all alone.

You might say I’m feeling a bit helpless in all this right about now.

The problem with living in this city is that you feel like there’s nowhere you can scream.  I remember living where I had a car and sometimes I’d just get in the car to drive and scream.  It felt so good.
We’re renting a car and going upstate to ski this weekend.  I think I’ll find some time alone to take it out for a spin and scream my head off.  
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  • Reply wishinghopingpraying February 6, 2009 at 7:08 am

    I am so sorry, for the dream and for it having happened. I hope you get to scream and that it helps.

  • Reply Lizzie February 6, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    Oh, honey. That’s awful. I hope you get to scream this weekend. Love you.

  • Reply word to your mother(s) February 6, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    I, too, am sorry for the horrible dream. I understand the need to get away and be alone in empty space. I go hiking quite often and it’s incredibly cathartic. I hope you get some good screams out this weekend. Much love to you and yours.

  • Reply tbean February 6, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    So sorry for the awful dream. You are not alone babe. We’re here with you. hugs

  • Reply mulberry February 6, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    if you can’t wait till you are out in the wilds or in the car alone… put on some music and scream into the pillow on the couch… you can even kick and pound if you are laying down on your stomach at the time… not the same as letting it flail out into the wind, but perhaps a way to let it out sooner. xo

  • Reply addingbaby February 6, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    That’s a terrifying dream. I hope that a weekend away helps you get some of that emotion out.
    Thinking of you.

  • Reply queerstork February 6, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    What a horrifying dream. Definitely speaks to the helplessness you’re feeling.

    Make your way out to Astoria Park near the Triboro Bridge. It’s where I used to go to scream. No one will notice and, if you scream in the direction of the bridge, you might get a nice echo.

    Enjoy your ski weekend! I hope it provides some relief.

  • Reply eeney meeney miney mommy February 7, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    Ouch. That is brutal.

    I love the dead silence that you feel in the snowy mountians and I love driving when I am upset. I hope you find a deserted snowy clearing where you can let it all out.

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