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Eight is Enough

It’s negative.
No, AF hasn’t arrived and my temp hasn’t dropped, but we did end up buying tests on Tuesday night and I used one this morning. Not even a ghost of a line.
I didn’t even have any tears this morning. I just felt empty.
Hours later when I went downstairs for breakfast, K’s older brother told me he was sorry and then it hit me.
Having no appetite, I returned upstairs, got under the covers and bawled my head off.
K came up with a cup of (real) coffee and held me while I cried.

An hour later, she came back up with a laptop and told me to plan a vacation. She’d take me wherever I wanted to go as long as she didn’t have to be on a plane for over 10 hours.
This is a woman who knows how to get me out of my funk.
No, it doesn’t solve anything, but hearing the words “travel” makes my heart go pitter pat.

I finally made it downstairs by noon for gift giving and pumpkin bread eating, followed by a long winter’s walk through the woods.
My spirits have been lifted.

I am surrounded by people who love me; kind, wonderful, generous people. They feed me, give me space when I need it, and hug me when I’m down.
We are lucky and fortunate in so many ways. This is just a blip on my universe of life.
Yes, it’s been 8 tries. Yes, it’s been almost a year. Yes, it’s getting harder. Yes, I should be 5 months pregnant now but that didn’t happen.

I need to stay positive and I’m trying really hard to do that. The universe has thrown a lot of shit at me many times in life, but I’ve always come out on top.
We have a wonderful life and I need to keep things in perspective.

I believe there’s an IVF train leaving the station in 2009. Can you ladies fit another passenger on board?

Merry Whatever!

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22 Comments

  • Reply Tui December 25, 2008 at 9:52 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear that – it just sucks. Really sucks. The IVF is going to have some great people on it next year though so at least you’re not alone! Hope you are able to plan a wonderful holiday to somewhere sunny and warm and give yourselves a great start to 2009.

  • Reply anofferingoflove December 25, 2008 at 9:57 pm

    well, hell! i was hoping you would have some good news for us on this christmas day! i am so sorry to hear about the negative hpt. those empty white spaces suck.

    we’ve most definitely got room on the ivf train, hop on!

  • Reply queerstork December 25, 2008 at 9:57 pm

    Your ticket is in the mail for the 2009 train. I’m sorry you got another BFN, because I really didn’t want to send you that ticket.

    I know what you mean about feeling empty. I don’t think the BFN8 has hit me quite yet because I haven’t had a good bawl over it. I’ve just resigned myself to moving on.

    Having a trip to plan is a fantastic diversion. It’s something we have been putting off doing because of cycle after cycle. We keep saying that we’ll go somewhere great in my second trimester… so the date keeps getting pushed farther and farther back.

    Do you have a couple of places picked out yet? I think the 10 hour flight rule is very reasonable and there are so many places to go. I suspect you’ll go warm (I was going to recommend Iceland)… what about Bolivia or Honduras? Sicily or Madrid? Marrakesh or Cairo? Okay, Cairo might be pushing the 10 hour limit.

    Can’t wait to see what you decide. In the meantime, keep yourself surrounded by those wonderful people in your life.

  • Reply Sarah at Notes from 2 Moms December 25, 2008 at 10:43 pm

    go somewhere beautiful – rejuvenate. sending love your way.

  • Reply eeney meeney miney mommy December 25, 2008 at 10:45 pm

    Oh Travelher, I am so sad. I thought for sure it would work out. I know it’s hard not to focus on what could have been, but stay focused on all those positives. Happy Christmas you and K.

  • Reply mulberry December 26, 2008 at 1:46 am

    so sorry friend… glad you have the beautiful woods and a wonderful gal and loving friends to surround you… thinking of you both.

  • Reply Rachel December 26, 2008 at 3:04 am

    I’m sorry to hear the news but so glad that you have a most attentive wife who clearly knows how to distract you. I hope your trip planning is going well.

  • Reply Mommy and Mamita December 26, 2008 at 3:26 am

    I’m so sorry. I hope the trip helps you recharge. This process just can be so brutal, so I’m glad you have the comfort of being surrounded by such supportive family.

  • Reply Bree December 26, 2008 at 3:30 am

    Oh, ouch. I hate to think of you being so so sad. I’m glad that your wife supports you and knows the magic T word. I look forward to living vicariously through you, wherever you choose to journey.

    When you get on the IVF train, isn’t there a song that goes something like ‘Engine Engine Number Nine…’ Hoping that NINE is your lucky number.

  • Reply wishinghopingpraying December 26, 2008 at 8:12 am

    Oh no. I am so sorry. I was hoping for you. May your vacation restore you in every way possible

  • Reply Jen December 26, 2008 at 4:40 pm

    I know that there are no words…but I am sorry you had to go through this once again. It does not get easier. Travel sounds amazing though! Can I get aboard that train if you on the ivf train?

  • Reply A December 26, 2008 at 4:45 pm

    I’m so sorry about the negative. I’m so happy you have the love and support that you have. Sounds like your Partner is wonderful and I hope your vacation renews your spirit to continue on with this journey.

  • Reply Carrie December 26, 2008 at 6:26 pm

    F–k. I’m sorry hon. I really believe 2009 is going to be a strong year for those of us still on the TTC train. Getting on the IVF train is in our path, as well (prob by July). I feel like we’re dicking around too much with IUIs….
    Really sorry about your BFN. *hugs*

  • Reply Eva December 26, 2008 at 7:08 pm

    Sorry. Sending postive vibes from South America…

  • Reply word to your mother(s) December 27, 2008 at 2:24 am

    I’m so terribly sorry that you got a negative this cycle and over the holiday. I love the absolute love in your family.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Reply 2girlsandtheirfamily December 27, 2008 at 4:31 pm

    This SUCKS! We are so sorry to hear about your BFN. We were really hoping for a Christmas miracle for you girls! But there is plenty of room on the IVF train and since it worked for us, we are BIG ADVOCATES! Good luck and we look forward to seeing you in 2009!

  • Reply tbean December 27, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    So so sorry babe. It is just so hard. I hope 09 brings you a successful pregnancy and a wonderful trip as well! hugs

  • Reply next in line December 28, 2008 at 1:34 am

    Darn it for your BFN. Thank goodness for covers to cry under and travel to lift our souls.

    Tickets are a plenty so jump on the train. We will IVF together and hopefully arrive at BFP land together.

  • Reply Keely December 29, 2008 at 7:18 pm

    Sh*t.
    I’m sorry.
    But before you hop on that plane, where are you going that’s less than 10 hours by plane?

  • Reply babypants December 29, 2008 at 8:26 pm

    oh i am sorry. I am happy you were surrounded by goodness, but I am sorry. I hope you have planned a wonderful trip for you guys. Sending love xoxo L.

  • Reply Heidi December 29, 2008 at 8:33 pm

    Forkity fork fork forker.

    I’m so sorry. I hope this vacation helps bring you some peace.

    Oh hell, who am I kidding. I hope it brings you whatever it is supposed to. Sun, snow, rain…

    much love.

    Enjoy your trip.

    2009 is going to be all of ours year dangnamit!

  • Reply insertmetaphor January 2, 2009 at 3:09 am

    I’m just starting to catch up on the last week+ of my reader so I’m late to the commenting party. But I’m so sorry about the BFN and that things are feeling so hard right now. I’m glad you’re on vacation though – that sounds amazing. Relax and enjoy and 2009 will be a whole heap better!

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