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Let’s Just Talk About the Bad

There’s no double, double let alone triple. It’s bad. RE thinks probably ectopic.
So, the flight to Montreal is canceled, the bag is unpacked.
I’m looking at a pile of stuff that I’d pre-packed for Bali and wondering when I’ll unpack that. Because Dr. VID does not want me to go-he needs to monitor me.
So, that’s pretty much it here. No weekend getaway, no vacation, no baby.

Oh, but I have a lot of baby-related stuff arriving on my doorstep any day now. Good times.

The only thought that keeps me sane is thinking, “I can get pregnant, but it was a bad egg. Who wants to raise a bad egg? Not me, I’m not cut out for that.”
I’m old, I’ve got some bad eggs in there. I knew that going into this game. I know my chances of getting pregnant and I also know I’ve got a 30% chance of m/c. I know. But I’d hoped to be one of the others.

Let’s hope there are some good eggs left for next time.
But if this is truly an ectopic, there’s gonna be quite a wait for next time.
The waiting never ends, does it?

I have a conference call at 4pm that I have to get my head on for and hope that no one asks me anything. After that, you’ll find me in bed reading, appropriately enough, “The Gravedigger’s Daughter”.

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30 Comments

  • Reply nutella August 28, 2008 at 7:25 pm

    Oh. There are no words to express how sad I am for you. Please, please take the support that you need and may you emerge at peace.

  • Reply Strawberry August 28, 2008 at 7:26 pm

    My heart goes out to you both. I am truly, truly sorry. There will be a baby one day, but this is news no one wants to hear or go through :(

  • Reply N August 28, 2008 at 7:57 pm

    I’m so sorry.

  • Reply mulberry August 28, 2008 at 8:15 pm

    oh sweetie, i am sooo soo sorry. i know your gal is still away, if you need anything, you have my cell, please please call me! i will bring you things, i will take you to the movies, i will distract you or wallow with you… i wish i could make it better. damn those bad eggs!

  • Reply jessie August 28, 2008 at 8:52 pm

    I am so sorry and bummed! Sending you lots of love and hugs

  • Reply Malea August 28, 2008 at 8:55 pm

    You said the RE “thinks” it’s ectopic.I’m not getting on that boat until it’s confirmed. So POAS!

  • Reply babypants August 28, 2008 at 9:03 pm

    I am really sorry for this bad, bad. Will you please tell me if you need anything? We are in town this weekend and pretty much available. I hope K gets home soon, and please know that we are thinking of you so very much. xo L.

  • Reply eggdance August 28, 2008 at 9:23 pm

    FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could say that would be comforting, but I know that there really isn’t. I’m thinking about you and sending you lots of love.

  • Reply Bree August 28, 2008 at 9:29 pm

    So sad for you. My partner and I experienced that too, and it’s heartbreaking having to un-tell the people who were so excited for you, having to un-tell yourself.

    I encourage you to hang on to the idea that this is proof you can (and will) get pregnant again. It was true for my partner, and so many others.

    Thinking the best, non-eptopic thoughts for you, and wishing it weren’t this way.

  • Reply Anonymous August 28, 2008 at 10:50 pm

    Thinking of you and K.

  • Reply Heidi August 28, 2008 at 10:59 pm

    Oh my goodness. I’ve been away for a few days. I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

    Love and hugs.

  • Reply queerstork August 28, 2008 at 11:10 pm

    Fuck.

  • Reply pbxmakesfour August 28, 2008 at 11:22 pm

    This is really sucky.
    Am thinking of you guys, and am still hoping that it’s all going to work out.

  • Reply my cowgirl alter-ego August 29, 2008 at 12:48 am

    I’m so, so sorry. Be kind to yourself. Sending love your way.

  • Reply Lizzie August 29, 2008 at 1:23 am

    Oh, fuck. Yes, I think it is consoling that you CAN get pregnant, but you can save that thought for another day if you need to. Today it is ok for just plain old sad and devastated and fuck that. Hugs. And then some more.

  • Reply indigoscot August 29, 2008 at 2:14 am

    my sil had an ectopic – before that 2 m/c and after that another m/c. all unexplained. this june they finally gave birth to a happy healthy baby girl. sil is pushing 37.

    if it IS an ectopic, listen to your doctor. that can be dangerous. sil was given some drugs to take care of it and sent home and then my brother had to call an ambulance because it ruptured and she lost a fallopian tube. i’m not trying to scare you, just want you to know things can turn bad FAST. if you have ANY pain at all, get yourself to the nesrest ER.

    i’m so sorry this is happening. :( many hugs coming your way.

  • Reply wishinghopingpraying August 29, 2008 at 6:59 am

    I am so very sorry. I am sending you both love and hugs.If you need anything at all, please let us know.

  • Reply j.k-c. August 29, 2008 at 10:51 am

    So, so, sorry.
    (((hugs)))

  • Reply shawn August 29, 2008 at 11:35 am

    :(
    we are all here for you…
    xoxoxoxoxo

  • Reply Les Make Babies August 29, 2008 at 2:08 pm

    There are no words. I’m so sorry – this is not fair. I hope this weekend brings some peace.

  • Reply waitingformavis August 29, 2008 at 2:54 pm

    I’m very sorry. Take the time that you need. Ask for help and support from your network. I’m so very sorry.

    –Jackie

  • Reply insertmetaphor August 29, 2008 at 3:11 pm

    Oh, I’m so sorry. This isn’t fair and it’s so sad.

  • Reply Carrie August 29, 2008 at 3:26 pm

    oh hon, my heart is just so sad to hear this. please keep us posted, and ill be keeping you in my thoughts. ***hugs***

  • Reply Inlocoparentis August 29, 2008 at 5:02 pm

    In my experience, being “able” to get pregnant is really not much of a consolation when you’ve already wrapped your heart around actually being pregnant. I’m so, so sorry – my heart aches for you.

  • Reply NotesFrom2Moms August 29, 2008 at 5:08 pm

    im so so sorry. keep your head up and listen to your body and your doctor.

  • Reply tbean August 29, 2008 at 5:45 pm

    I wish sorry weren’t so inadequate.
    love and support from here.
    be gentle with yourself

  • Reply Chris August 29, 2008 at 10:59 pm

    I’m still crossing my fingers and not losing hope for you, K and this little egg.

    No, you don’t want a bad egg but some times those eggs can move. I’ll hope for that.

    You are not THAT old. People your age have babies every day. I had my last one at 37 and I am not anywhere near as healthy as you.

    Besides, there are a lot of women who will carry babies for women who can’t. That is something to keep in mind, too, IF you end up having to go down that road.

    Keep believing in yourself and be strong.

    I don’t know what else to say. I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing and only upset you more.

  • Reply Rachel August 30, 2008 at 5:40 am

    This is awful. I’m so incredibly sorry.

  • Reply Kellee August 30, 2008 at 12:21 pm

    So sorry hear what you are going through and that it is has interfered with what sounded like wonderful travel plans. This TTC business can really get in the way of living life even with all best efforts made to keep that from happening.

    I went through something similar to what you are going through a few months ago with a suspected ectopic that eventually ended up being a chemical pregnancy, but it took 2 weeks to resolve and I almost had to take the MTX shot. I hope you don’t end up with an ectopic and that you can get through this as quickly and stress free as possible.

  • Reply Eva September 1, 2008 at 5:41 pm

    shit! that sucks. i’m sorry.

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