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Meditating the Anxiety Away

In preparation for the preggo test, I went to a 2-hour meditation session at the Tibet House tonight with this woman.  She was quite amazing and since she’s going to be there the next couple of Tuesdays, I think I’ll keep going. 

Tomorrow morning I go in for a blood test and we’ll find out one way or another by mid-afternoon.

I completely do not feel pregnant (whatever that feels like!) and I’ve watched my temps drop for 4 days now despite being on the progesterone, so whatever.  
If it’s not my time, it’s not my time.  I cannot control this.

K and I had a conversation over the weekend and discussed switching donors.  How do you know when it’s time to break up with your donor?  I feel so foolish to have bought so much of him without trying him out first, but what can you do?  We have two more vials of him at our Fertility Center that we won’t be able to return, so we’ll lose the money on those and that stings.
The rest we can do an exchange for $150–although I don’t know if that’s per vial or the entire switch.  Probably per vial…
Anyone out there looking for some black market sperm?  He gets other women pregnant!

We also talked about perhaps just taking the plunge and trying more drugs this next cycle.  I am super scared of multiples because of my body size.  But there’s a woman in my building who is as small as me and she had twins a year ago.  I saw these twins twice this weekend and it was like the universe sending me a sign, saying,  “you can do it. If you had to do it, you could do it”. God those parents look tired and haggard.  But I could do it.  We could do it.

My RE isn’t putting me on fertility drugs because he knows my fears and he says it’s my choice But I’ve only got two cycles after this before IVF looms.  Is it silly to try 6 natural IUI’s and then go to IVF without trying fertility drugs?
Remember my age, I don’t have time to waste.  My clock is a freaking time bomb folks.
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11 Comments

  • Reply Rachel June 25, 2008 at 4:01 am

    I think you should talk seriously with your RE about how you can reduce the risk of multiples (even if it means possibly canceling a cycle because of over-response). A friend of mine desperately didn’t want even twins and tried to find a clinic that would help her reduce twins if necessary, and it seems like there is a lot of extra-monitoring they can do with ovulation induction to help reduce the risk of multiples. Of course, I’m totally biased since I took a huge gamble on a cycle with way too many follicles and a super-early trigger to avoid multiples and luck just happened to be on my side …. but I do believe that extra monitoring might decrease the overall risk of multiples (they adjusted my injectable meds day by day based on u/s every 24 hours at critical times).

  • Reply giggleblue June 25, 2008 at 4:23 am

    i know you don’t want multiples, but i don’t think clomid spells multiples really, at least not from what i’ve learned reading countless blogs.

    btw, i don’t think it’s silly to try 6 natural cycles before IVF either.

    you could give that donor a break, try a cycle either natural or with a bit of clomid and a different donor, and if that doesn’t work, go back to your donor of choice with ivf.

    gosh, it’s a slippery slippery slope.

  • Reply liberationtheory June 25, 2008 at 5:01 am

    i don’t have any suggestions except to say that we’re right there with you, except i hope you get your BFP tomorrow!!

    we’re faced right now with figuring out plan C since our plan B (using a donor we know) just fell through.

    like you, i’m really afraid of having multiples beyond twins. i’m only 4’11 and pretty petite, so i’m a bit concerned that i won’t be able to handle it. but that’s another blog for another time.

    i hope your next one is showing us all the happy faces and positive tests you can post!

  • Reply Dann June 25, 2008 at 6:11 am

    Like your blog!
    Checkout mine, too.
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    http://danndulin.blogspot.com/

    Another sound of music lover too!

  • Reply Lizzie June 25, 2008 at 11:46 am

    We’ve just done our 3rd unmedicated cycle and then are switching to clomid. There is a risk of twins, but it’s not as high as injectables. If 3 with clomid don’t work we’d move to IVF, not injectibles. I think YOUR plan sounds good for you. I’m glad you have a doc who is respecting your fears. (And meditation!!)

  • Reply Lizzie June 25, 2008 at 12:04 pm

    oh and on the switching donors front – you should check out the ‘donor sibling registry’ online. they have things where people offer to buy/sell (i think) ? and i have heard of people buying from friends. we’re going to face the same question soon

  • Reply insertmetaphor June 25, 2008 at 3:10 pm

    I don’t have much advice for you but good luck making the decision. We’re definitely afraid of the fertility drugs too and so going right to IVF doesn’t seem that crazy to me. I hope you get a positive tomorrow and don’t have to worry about any of these questions.

  • Reply NotesFrom2Moms June 25, 2008 at 3:20 pm

    im 5’1″ so i was afraid of multiples too. Our doc really thought we should try clomid and we held out for 5 cycles. The final cycle we tried clomid – my ovaries went crazy and i had three follicles – needless to say only one fertilized and it resulted in this pregnancy. Our RE did remind us that even with three follicles, you have the same chances of any one of them fertilizing – so the risk for multiples goes from 3-5% to 5-10%. When we try again in a few years – we are going straight to clomid. But, this is a highly personal decision – I’m just sharing my experience.

  • Reply Anonymous June 26, 2008 at 12:44 am

    We started out on this journey not wanting drugs, but after 5 IUIs and nothing we gave clomid a try. The chances of twins is low with clomid and it is a hell of a lot less drugs than IVF. After having been through this I am no longer scared of clomid.It ain’t great, but it can help and doesn’t cost that much.

  • Reply j.k-c. June 26, 2008 at 3:52 pm

    I’m carrying only one baby – from Clomid. There are lots and lots of clomid singletons….I think it was worth the risk, but I also didn’t have the fear of twins.
    We got our BFP the first try with a new donor. After 6 tries with our first donor (we used up all the vials we already bought). Sometmes it’s just what you need.

  • Reply C&H June 27, 2008 at 4:17 am

    Gee, that’s a tough decision. We’ve opted not to take any drugs and hope for the best. If worse comes to worse you can always try Clomid without jumping to an IVF. Hang in there…this might be the cycle.

    Oh, and the Tibet House looks fabulous! If I find myself in New York anytime soon, you better believe I’m checking that place out! :)

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