Last night as I sat on chair with a cat on my lap and cried in the dark, K took 30 minutes to talk me into going to the gym. Working out is the only thing that makes me feel better. Specifically: Running. I want to run and I want to keep running. I want to run until I have answers until I have a beginning and an end and this is all over.

The FSH was 2.2, but that’s a false number as the estrogen brings it down. The E2 was 31. It should be between 100-150. I was only able to do two out of four estrogen patches…probably had something to do with up. But regardless, it’s not good. RE said we can tweak things, I can shoot up more antagon for supression and take estrogen pills and lengthen everything for the cycle to get back on track….that didn’t sound too promising.

He said, “I know you’ve been at this a long time and you’ve been so patient and willing to do whatever it takes and I completely understand if you tell me, I don’t feel right about this, let’s wait til next month.”
“I don’t want to do it this month, it feels wrong. I spotted for 6 days before my period and my period came 4-5 days early.”
“That’s what I thought you would say. I think I know you pretty well.”

So I begin the waiting. Again. I really am a patient person. But I am this close to running all the way to India to live on an ashram and brainwash myself so I don’t have to ever think about this again. K can come get me when she’s pregnant. Just kidding. Sort of.

I always thought that IVF was the magic ticket. Instead it’s turning out to be a ride I can’t even get on. I’ve been ready to do IVF since September, since the miscarriage, since I can remember. And here it is 4 months in and I’m still waiting. Still getting older. Less hopeful. Somedays, I’m not even sure what I want anymore. TTC is getting very blurry.

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  • Reply Jackie January 20, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    (((hugs))) You do know you best. It’s okay to be blurry some days. We’re thinking of you.

  • Reply Mommy and Mamita January 20, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear this news. I was hoping you would be able to move forward, but I think it is best to listen to your doctor in this case. Will you be able to start estrogen patches again later this cycle?

  • Reply mulberry January 20, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    living in the murky place of weird body responses and numbers SUCKS. i’m sorry you are in limbo. i am glad though that you are listening to your body and not moving forward till you feel you are in a better place, as hard as it is to wait till things shake out. you don’t need the second guessing that comes from moving forward when you don’t think things were optimum.

  • Reply cindyhoo2 January 20, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    Yikes. I cannot imagine how you must feel with all the excessive waiting and other challenges you have faced. I like the Ashram idea and I hope you feel better soon.

  • Reply Shindagrl January 21, 2009 at 12:29 am

    Hey, toots-

    I just checked your most recent blog entry. My heart and arms go out to you, babe. I know there isn’t anything I can really say, but know that I DO understand that telling two lesbians that have been TTC at a fertility clinic to “stop trying so hard” and “relax, don’t think about it so much” is utterly ASININE and unbelievably insensitive and stupid. I have the broken rooster light to prove it. I got your back, sister. 😉

  • Reply anofferingoflove January 21, 2009 at 1:17 am

    first off, its great that you run when you want to relieve stress. i can think of many, many worse things to do!

    second, if you decide to take off to india, let me know. maybe we can start a ttc-refuge/commune. im so there.

  • Reply 2girlsandtheirfamily January 21, 2009 at 1:51 am

    UGH!!!!! We unfortunately just read your last 2 posts and are now unbelievably sad for you girls. We wanted this to be your cycle as much as you did! Let us know if there is anything we can do to help :(

  • Reply Next in Line January 21, 2009 at 3:16 am

    I wish I had the magic words that would make it better. It is always such a blow to have to put off a much waited for cycle. Good on you for making it to the gym. TTC is blurry sometimes.

  • Reply insertmetaphor January 21, 2009 at 5:51 am

    Hugs. You’ll get there.

  • Reply Carrie January 21, 2009 at 5:57 am

    F*ck! I’m so sorry. Man, who knew IVF was such a difficult train to board. Our thoughts and hopes are with you, that this wait ends soon, and you’ve got belly pics to share! xx

  • Reply A January 21, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    I’m so sorry. I know waiting again sucks! I hope this wait doesn’t last long. My thoughts are with you.

  • Reply tbean January 21, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    Don’t sink Puffer! Let us help you stay afloat!

  • Reply Gia January 21, 2009 at 6:52 pm

    Thinking of you

  • Reply eeney meeney miney mommy January 21, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    Very blury indeed. India sounds like a fine idea to me right now. It feels like it is never going to have a happy ending doesn’t it? I wish I had something lovely and inspirational to say to you right now, something that would give you renewed hope but I don’t have it in me. What I do want you to know is that I feel so deepely for you and we are in this together. I understand where you are and I am here to support you. If I were in NYC I’d be at your door with some amazing take out, a big bottle of booze and a hug.

    Thanks for the last comment girl.

  • Reply queerstork January 21, 2009 at 8:45 pm

    What a shitty night, I’m sorry you had to go through it at all… any of this really.

    I’d be up for a trip to India too. I’ve been wanting to go back to the south. Ashram – yes!

    Running is probably the best thing you can do when you’re feeling that way. I’m so glad K was able to convince you to go.

    Those moments of doubt have been creeping up in this camp too. I had nearly a full day when I questioned my desire to have a child. After feeling some guilt about that, the baby craving came back with a vengeance to drive me crazy once again.

    I hope that for you, today is a bit sunnier.

  • Reply Keely January 22, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Thinking of you today…. Hoping that you are feeling more powerful and sure. You will find your way through this, whatever happens. I’m sorry that it is a painful trip.

  • Reply Heather January 22, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    this does totally blow. I wanted this to work out for you so bad. It just sucks.

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