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The Post About How I Tried Very Hard to Quit Freaking Out

First of all, the nurse that called me back is my all-time not favorite nurse.  She’s loud and gruff.  I cringe when I hear her.  She’s not mean, she’s just…not the most patient person I’ve met.

She stands in stark contrast to my regular nurse, whom I adore and my RE, who is very soft-spoken and has kind eyes when he looks at you.

When I got to the clinic I was more than a little worked up.  Listening to Tori Amos on the way probably did not help.  It was iPod shuffle, I didn’t do it on purpose and damn, “Precious Things” is an awesome song.

My fave nurse could see that I was on edge and as soon as we got into the room, I started telling her how I was second guessing everything and asking questions.  Apparently, I was worked up enough that she did not feel comfortable going ahead with the IUI and went to get my RE out of a meeting.  While I was waiting, I almost lost it half naked on the table alternating between wanting to scream or cry.  I did neither.  But I just wanted a hug and there was no one there to give me one.  This is a really hard thing to do month after month by yourself.

The RE listened to all of my concerns and said that while it was highly unlikely (due to my blood levels the day before) I had ovulated, there was a slight possibility.  However, what I was probably feeling was the drug working its magic on my ovaries.
Regardless, I wanted another ultrasound.  Everything checked out, lining nice and thick and stripey, two follies trucking along.  I had not ovulated.

Which leads me to further mind-fuck territory because now I feel like I can’t even trust listening to my own body.

I was very honest in expressing to him that I felt like I was just coming in here every month throwing money away for a crap shoot of ‘maybe’ and that in the end I would end up doing IVF anyway because it was the only exact science of making a baby (and even with that there are no guarantees).  It’s not that he agreed or disagreed, but IVF is what RE’s excel at.  IUI, not so much because there’s so much even they cannot control.

The insemination went so very well, I didn’t even feel it.  Seth’s sperm count was great, 14 million full motility swimmers.  I should be feeling happy, more relaxed…but…

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been so totally fine and laid back about everything and I have a feeling that in a couple of days that feeling will return.  It’s this day, more than the entire TWW worth of days, that makes me feel like banging my head against a wall and stealing a baby (don’t worry I’m not making any plans to steal a baby and I’ve already banged my head against the wall).
The entire time I’m wondering, “is this me, really me?  or is this me on cl.o.mid?”  I honestly don’t know. 

Oh and I just found out one of my BF’s is 5 months pregnant.  She’s a few years older than me and they have been trying au natural for a long time.  I am so incredibly happy for her that she didn’t have to go through any of this.
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13 Comments

  • Reply giggleblue July 10, 2008 at 2:08 am

    my dear, this clomid is making you crazy!! i think this is the clomid, because this doesn’t even sound like your normal self!!

    i’m happy that in the end the insemination went well, and that you haven’t ovulated yet. i hope you were on the verge of doing so, and that the sperm will be waiting for your golden little eggy to pop.

    now, visualize, visualize, visualize. sperm meets egg. sperm likes egg. sperm and egg make baby.

    fingers crossed that this month is your month!

  • Reply mulberry July 10, 2008 at 2:59 am

    hey, poor puppy – what a day! i know we’ve never met in person, and have in fact *just* met online, but i wish i could have been there to give you that big hug… here’s hoping those swimmers hit their mark.

    my gal and i relate so much to you and your traveler’s struggles. while i do most of the traveling in our relationship (and that only amounts to 3 or 4 weeks a year) our big struggle is with me being on day shift (during week) and her on 10-12 hour, mostly nights and weekend, shifts. so we are lucky, we get to see each other while we are sleeping at least :)

    good luck getting trough the clomid clouds and into the 2ww.

  • Reply shindagrl July 10, 2008 at 6:01 am

    {{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}

  • Reply jessie July 10, 2008 at 10:55 am

    What a day! How draining and stressful. I’m glad you’re writing about it. Don’t feel all this stuff by yourself, k?

  • Reply 1invermillion July 10, 2008 at 1:26 pm

    Well, it’s done now. I agree, this part is the most stressful to me too. I hope that after your day you found someone to give you a hug, it really does sound like you need one. Let’s relax and enjoy our TWW, ok?

  • Reply C&H July 10, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    Good grief…that sounds stressful! It sounds like the Clomid…it’s enough to drive someone batty. We’re crossing our fingers for you…hope this is the one!

    {{hugs}}

  • Reply babypants July 10, 2008 at 7:21 pm

    I really hear what you are saying about feeling like your body signals can not be trusted. It is incrediably hard to not have this process be private/spontaneous/fun. I hope you did get a hug from some in real life yesterday – I am sending you one now. I am going to agree with your RE that I think what you were feeling was the clomid and that your IUI was perfectly timed. I am happy to have you in the wait with me.

  • Reply emily July 10, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    I know when my better half took clomid and did the trigger shot one of the things she hated was that it messed up her natural fertility signs. Hang in there. I am crossing my fingers for you :)

  • Reply malea July 11, 2008 at 5:08 pm

    LMBO! I don’t think the baby stealing urge is from the Clomid.I feel it too and I’m not on anything yet:)

  • Reply j.k-c. July 11, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    Don’t forget to breathe! So little we can actually control. Take care of yourself. Fingers crossed for you, sounds like your timing is perfect. And I have often wondered how anyone gets pregnant by accident.

  • Reply Lizzie July 13, 2008 at 11:05 pm

    Damn. It’s all so hard. Hugs.

  • Reply insertmetaphor July 15, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    I somehow missed this post but hugs a week late anyway. I know this process can be so un-empowering. We’ll get through it one way or another.

  • Reply eggdance August 7, 2008 at 2:19 pm

    It is really hard for me to feel as though I cannot trust my own body– that has been one of the hardest things to come to terms with in this process. And yeah, Tori Amos rocks.

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