Which around here we joke is German for “my tits hurt”.  Sorry German speakers, no offense (Berit, don’t be mad!).

But even with all of the tittzenhurten, which started exactly one day after transfer (but at that point I’d already been in the progesterone for over a week with no tittzenhurten going on..so who knows what all this mean…) I’m not feeling it.  I’m not.  I want to.  But I’m not.

Why?  Because I went crazy with Google and saw that women were testing 4dpt and 5dpt and getting positives so I did something completely impulsive and uncharacteristic for me.  I am not an impulsive person.  I’m that lady that is swayed by absolutely nothing as she stands at the check out counter waiting my turn.  But at 3:30pm yesterday, 4dpt, I deliberately walked into my bathroom and peed on a stick.  Which was negative.
And then I woke up at 3:30 during the night last night and did it again.  Negative.
I’m out of control, I’m telling you.

In addition to the tittzenhurten, I feel every freaking twinge there could be and go back and forth over whether it’s implantation or gas or all my imagination.
Have a been a little bit more tired?  Maybe.  Or maybe it’s just that NYC has been blanketed by damp, cool, sunless, rainy weather.  So, you know my mood is just fucking spectacular as I not only don’t have my wife to help get me through this week but I don’t even have any sunshine.

If this doesn’t work, I really don’t know what I’m going to do.  I’m scared of myself right now and how much of my life is riding on this.
Please let me be pregnant.  Please let those negatives just be proof that it’s a singleton instead of twins and that’s why it’s taking a little longer to process.
The universe wouldn’t be this cruel, would it?  Unfortunately, I know that answer all too well as some of you do too.

Oh, and none of the blasts made it to freeze.  None.
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  • Reply Keely June 11, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    Universe’s intentions notwithstanding, it is def. far too early for a stick to tell you what’s going on with the hatchery. Glad Chicken will be back to roost tomorrow and hold you and talk to you and reassure you that no matter what you are a very lucky lady indeed, regardless of what sticks or not. Still hoping with everything I’ve got for you….

  • Reply N June 11, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    Hoping beyond hope that it’s just too early. I think it is just too early. I honestly do believe that. But I send my hope to you, to try and lift you up.

  • Reply anofferingoflove June 11, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    it’s too early, do not let yourself get down. i tested at 7dp5dt and only got a faint line. 4-5dpt is *really* early.

    also, i didn’t “feel it” after transfer either. i had way more (imagined) symptoms with my negative iui twws than i did during my positive ivf waits. i was 100% convinced the ivf cycles had failed and af was about to start.

    you are still in this game and im rooting hard for ya’ll!! now, step away from the pee sticks … at least until the weekend!

  • Reply Heidi June 11, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    Shame on those people that pee on sticks early and giving you all the flusters!!!

    Too early honey. Way too early.

    All my love

  • Reply Laurie June 11, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    I am here to share a tidbit of advice from personal experience. My last transfer was on 4/3. I had the faintest, slightest positive on 4/9 (6dp5dt). Keep the faith!!

  • Reply thebao June 11, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    I totally understand the urge, but I’m with the other commenters: BACK AWAY FROM THE PEE STICKS. AND FROM GOOGLE.

  • Reply projectkjetil June 11, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    May the sun come out shortly and may your desire to test early (again) fade… all in preparation for your good news at, say, 8dpt? I’m rooting for you.

  • Reply tbean June 11, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    Usually when I comment to people “it’s still to early” I’m sort of lying. Those people are testing on like, day 11 or 12 and we’re still holding out hope for a late-breaking positive. But today, I say with complete sincerity: IT’S TOO EARLY. Back away from the pee sticks, crazy lady. And sit and read our comments over and over. Time will pass, even if it feels like it is on pause right now. xoxo

  • Reply Lizzie June 11, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    Honey! Step away from the pee sticks! It is too early!!!!

  • Reply glamcookie June 11, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    It’s totally too early. And for the record, I felt zero symptoms after my IVF and my FET and both ended in BFPs. With my current nugget, I didn’t feel much of anything at all until 6 weeks. Holding all kinds of hope for you!

  • Reply insertmetaphor June 11, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    Yes, too early indeed. I understand the anxiety, I really do. But stop peeing on things! And I’m sending you lots of happy, pregnant thoughts.

  • Reply cindyhoo2 June 11, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    Oh no, the evil pee sticks have gotten to you! The same thing happened to me. Once I started testing, I could not stop. But the others are correct, it is much too early for you to get a valid response on an hpt. Relax and breathe (I know, easy for me to say). Keep sending you little bean all your love at this point.

    But I do know the fear when no embies make it to the freezer and I don’t want to downplay how much fear that can instill.

    I will still hold onto hope for you.

  • Reply Melissa June 11, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    I don’t have good advice, and of course, no one can tell you for sure if it will work. So, I will only say, I (aperfect stranger) am sending you lots of virtual hugs and warm thoughts and hoping this works for you.
    Oh, and go read and/or watch something funny and try to enjoy it. Melissa in Durham

  • Reply Jackie June 11, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    I agree with pp. It’s still early. You also know that an hour before getting my positive I was totally and utterly convinced that it was a negative.

    Btw, I love your made up German word. Love it!

    Good luck!!!

  • Reply Inlocoparentis June 11, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    The only thing that kept me from doing the exact same thing was my partner watching me like a hawk. Not testing is hard, testing is hard – oy – it’s all hard. I hate to tell you this, but my first HPT was 13 days past transfer and the line was Fainty McFaint. Hang on, my love – you’ve got a week to go!

  • Reply K June 11, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    I had an indisputable BFN at 5 dp5dt and the faintest BFP imaginable the next morning. It wasn’t until 8 dp5dt that I had a good, strong BFP. I know others that have remained BFN much longer before turning into BFPs. Hang in there and keep the faith, if you can.

    I am so, so sorry about the other blasts. Hopefully you’ll get your BFP in a few days and it won’t matter.

    Thinking of you and hoping so hard!!

  • Reply queerstork June 11, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    So sorry none of them made it to freeze. That shocked the hell out of me reading that.

    I NEVER say this but I have a really good feeling about this cycle.

    If I had more digits to cross, they’d be crossed.

  • Reply Gayby Rabies June 11, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    Google is evil for making you test so soon. It’s way to early. Sending sticky singleton vibes your way.

  • Reply Bella June 12, 2009 at 12:21 am

    Tittzenhuten….hysterical! I am a POASaholic myself, so I can’t berate you, but 4ddpt is wayyyyyy too early. Do not lose hope or count yourself out because of the frozens, fresh have a much higher success rate. Crossing everything for you!

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