There is so much I couldn’t comprehend from last year to this. I was losing faith and going on overdrive, wondering what was the point anymore and feeling like it was never going to work. There were so many points I wondered if I would ever get and stay pregnant. I didn’t–at least not like I thought I would–with my own eggs.
What a Difference a Year Can Make
But life has a funny way of working out sometimes. Anytime I would discuss giving up and calling it quits, Chicken kept me going.
I’m lucky, I know that. I’m so thankful to have the opportunity to be pregnant. It’s what I always wanted. I never thought it would take me 20 years to get here–but that was my life course. Twenty years is a long time to wait for something.
When I was trying to get pregnant and wondering if it would ever work, I was nervous about carrying someone else’s eggs–even my partner’s. I was worried a baby not genetically related to me would never really feel like mine, that I would always be just a surrogate.
But as soon as I got pregnant–I have never felt anything other than fiercely protective over MY babies, OUR babies. Whatever fear I had washed away the moment I saw that positive control line. Nothing else mattered.
There’s too much pain out there in the land of TTC. Too many years trying, too much time lost, too much money spent, too many miscarriages, suffering, loss and grieving.
I want a successful pregnancy for all of you. I wish I could take away the pain, or pay your medical bills or even give you a few good eggs (of Chicken’s–mine are crap). I can’t.
But every post I read of another loss, another BFN, another dark day, makes me say a little prayer for you–to the universe, to the fertility goddess, to anyone who might be listening.
I know how hard this is and want you to know that. I haven’t forgotten. I don’t think I ever will.