Friday, January 9, 2009

Second Guessing

I'm having a much harder time wrapping my head around this IVF cycle than I thought I would be. It all just feels so...fast. Almost too fast.
But then, what am I waiting for? Why do I feel like I need a longer break?
After all, I am the one who insisted I be put on the January IVF schedule. The RE didn't have me on it and said they didn't have room, but I insisted because on Dec. 29 there was no way I was being pushed back one more month.

So what changed?
K and I talked this morning and wondered aloud if I wasn't resisting it because I am afraid of failure. Seems probable.

I also didn't get to do a Day 3 FSH test and baseline ultrasound b/c the clinic was closed over the holidays. I hate not knowing the results of these tests before beginning the estrogen patches and antagon shots. What if they do Day 3 tests (@Jan 24th) and find bad things? Then I will have started this process and put the drugs in my system for nothing.

I also feel like this past month has been my 'unhealthiest' of the entire past year. I spent an entire week in Cabo drinking margaritas and eating chips, salsa, guacamole and tacos. Drinking and I don't really meet up much and this is the most alcohol I've put in my system in...almost 2 years? Now, I'm just talking 12-14 drinks TOTAL in the last month.
I know it's not a big deal...but I'm now wondering "why did I do that knowing IVF was on the horizon?"

As a result of the holidays and vacation, I've also gained 3-4 pounds. Again, it's not that big of a deal and I can lose it. In fact, I worked out every day in Cabo and have hit the gym now that I'm home. But it has me feeling like I'm in the worst shape I've been in since starting to TTC. I've been so careful about food choices and exercise and alcohol and yoga and meditation and blahblahblah and this past month, it's like I said "to hell with it."
I knew this and said to myself, "that's right! to hell with it!" But now, I'm regretting it.

So here I am, with less than a week before the start line wondering if I should say "stop".

Thank you Offering of Love, for the tip on the IVF meditation CD. I just downloaded it!

PS--No, we did not go make a little French playboy baby last night. I'm sure my post made a lot of you go "Ewww!" but hey, that's the way it goes. If we knew he was 100% clean and his shooters were a-go, we would have no problem going that route.
We did go see Revolutionary Road, which was dark and somber and most excellent in my opinion. Did not see that ending coming.

13 comments:

N said...

I've got a (not IVF, but) fertility/infertility meditation cd, and I love it. I hope that one helps you.


For what it's worth, maybe all that splurging and having fun will help your body be more relaxed. :hugs: Anyway, whatever you decide to do for you will be right.

Jen said...

I agree. I think that you will be fine, maybe you're just getting cold feet before a new process? Have another drink! Think of how many people in this world got knocked up while completely drunk--maybe there's something to it to help relax the system?!?

mulberry said...

i agree with the gals above... my DOC even told me to go home and have a glass of wine when things got totally crazy last cycle and we had just done the transfer after the sperm debacle... she just wanted me to relax and let my body see what it could do. and DO NOT be worrying about your FSH... there is no reason to think those numbers would have said bad things...

A said...

I agree too. Being able to relax will help the process but more importantly it will help you mentally and emotionally.

I'm excited you are starting your IVF cycle and you are in my thoughts!

anofferingoflove said...

stop!? no...don't stop!

i think for those of us dealing with IF, we try so hard to do all the right things (vitamins and acupuncture and fertility tea, heck, fertility cds!) and still things don't work.

i'm betting the margaritas and chips and salsa and guacamole (yum!) and the 3 extra lbs are just what your body needed. women get pregnant ALL THE TIME doing way worse to their bodies. go easy on yourself, it's gonna work out fine.

Mommy and Mamita said...

Tough call. I do think a cycle can be harder to tolerate if you don't feel ready for it, but I got pregnant on a cycle that I almost skipped and was sorry went forward during the TWW, so I would not advise you to sit out.

I would not worry about missing the FSH check. It is your FSH level on the stimulation part of the cycle that would matter, but the estrogen you are taking now could impact those levels anyway, so you won't necessarily be able to compare your Day 3 tests results on January 24th to prior results.

eeney meeney miney mommy said...

Travelher, I saw that super solid bod in pictures you posted and your most unhealthy is much better than everyone elses really healthy. You are going to be just fine and if you are anything like me those second guessing thoughts will be gone by morning (at least i think they will). Hope you start feeling better about it soon... really soon.
xo

projectkjetil said...

Second guessing. Okay and normal. If you weren't second-guessing something this momentous (because, after all, it will be The ONE), that would be weird too.

Thinking the BEST for you and knowing that you will make the best decisions for your body.

And the drinking? Sounds lovely. And nothing to worry about!

timaree said...

Can you chalk this up to your version of relaxing about it all? I honestly wouldn't worry at all about this. You have been taking great care of yourself overall--that is what ultimately matters. I am sending you oodles of hope.

Heather said...

I think that you are just getting cold feet for starting something new...It is certainly scarey at first.

...go for it...maybe you just need a spontainious ivf cycle :).. good luck!

The Amily Diaries said...

Sometimes letting loose and letting go of some frustration and stress can be a really good thing. Like someone mentioned before, many people have become pregnant while intoxicated. I read somewhere that the embryo is can not be harmed by any teratogens for the first two weeks.

Lizzie said...

I totally get being scared before a cycle, and scared of failing .... I'm sure that is all it is. As for the vacation food and drink, I think that your general, baseline level of incredible healthiness is way more important than a few weeks of indulgence. Really, really! And p.s. your French playboy idea did not make me go 'eeewww' .... it made me wish I had a viable option like that. Hah!

The Amily Diaries said...

dallas :] but we love austin also!