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You’ve Got to be Kidding Me.

Surprise, it’s CD 1.  It’s not supposed to be.  AF is 4-5 days early.  I’ve been spotting for the last 6 days.  I never spot in between cycles and no one has a clue why I was spotting.

Last night I took my last antagon shot–all 3 shots for nothing.
Today I was supposed to change my estrogen patch.  I took off the old one…and did not put on a new one.
Remember this post?  I knew something was up….I just didn’t feel right.

I’m canceling this IVF cycle.  My body is obviously out of whack and I’m not spending the last of the IVF money on a cycle that is already this screwed up.
I’ll go in for Day 2 bloods tomorrow and see what the numbers are, but I’m not continuing.
At this point, I think I’ll sit out the month of February and do a March IVF cycle.

I have been waiting for so long.  I waited for K to be ready.  I waited for K to finish her MBA.  I waited to save up enough money.  I have been waiting for over 4 years.  I am so tired of waiting.  These are the days where I seriously start to doubt if it will ever happen.  I want to be pregnant or K to be pregnant or to start adoption or to start fostering or SOMETHING.  Instead I am just waiting.

And if one more well-meaning person tells me to, “relax” or “I know of couples who were trying and as soon as they just stopped focusing on it, they got pregnant!” or “don’t stress about it”–I swear, I will scream.  
To me, that’s like someone who has no addictions whatsoever, telling a heroin addict to “just stop focusing so much on their next fix and sobriety will come!  You can become clean if you just relax!”  
Really, if you have never tried to get pregnant and had problems doing so–you need to Shut the F*ck Up!

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16 Comments

  • Reply anofferingoflove January 19, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    amen. i hate stupid comments like that.

    i was so sorry to read your cycle is screwed up. is there no hope for saving it? as much as another break sucks, its probably a good idea to trust your intuition on this one. (i’m already second guessing myself that i should have waited for a march transfer too…) its so hard to know what is best.

    sending (hugs) from one tired-of-waiting-ttc’er to another.

  • Reply Keely January 19, 2009 at 5:16 pm

    Crap! Sorry to hear that this cycle is screwed up. You seem to be quite in tune with your body, though– no use throwing away your ivf money on a wonky cycle…
    I wish you could barter all our warm hopes for a bottomless supply of hot fresh jizz on demand.

  • Reply Mommy and Mamita January 19, 2009 at 6:25 pm

    Crap. Sorry to hear about the screwed up cycle. I know you started spotting before you started the patches, but I have heard that EPP can cause AF to arrive a few days early. You should try to talk to your doctor before you decide for certain to cancel.

  • Reply Gia January 19, 2009 at 10:07 pm

    ahhhhh hummmm……:-x

  • Reply tbean January 19, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    :(
    the wait feels interminable to me right now too…like I just can’t keep doing this anymore
    we’re here for you

  • Reply queerstork January 19, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    Your wait is and has been no doubt long and very difficult but it’s finite. There’s an end date. Hang in there.

    Someone told me that recently – “Just stop focusing on it so much and it will happen”. Are you fucking kidding me? How will I not focus on it – the ultrasounds, the injections, the fact that I’m ordering sperm off the internet.

    It’s one of those genuine “I don’t generally want to punch people but I want to punch you” moments.

  • Reply cindyhoo2 January 20, 2009 at 12:10 am

    Ahhh, I hate that your cycle is all screwed up. But I think you are being smart to wait until you feel like everything is perfect. THis whole process is way too stressful for us to cycle with any doubts.

    In terms of the stupid fks, I have no good advice. But if you actually do lose it and hit someone, we’ll all be needing pictures and a good blog about the day.
    :-)

  • Reply Rachel January 20, 2009 at 12:37 am

    How awful. I think the anticipation and then disappointment of a canceled cycle are almost as bad as a failed cycle. Hang in there and please ignore stupid comments. Of course you need to focus on your IF treatments – they are a TON of work between the appointments, meds, healthy eating, etc.

  • Reply Jen January 20, 2009 at 3:12 am

    I agree with queerstork…I had another person tell me just day to “relax and it will happen”…right, just after the shots, sperm ordering, UPS shipping, pills and sonograms. I think I will continue getting massages and not relax! Sorry your body is off…**hugs**

  • Reply eeney meeney miney mommy January 20, 2009 at 3:56 am

    I am drained and I know you are too. I wish someone could help us with the answers. I am so upset to hear about your cycle but I know one thing that will make you smile… tomorrow we have a new president. Tomorrow!

  • Reply insertmetaphor January 20, 2009 at 5:13 am

    Fuck! I’m so sorry you have to cancel this cycle and wait longer. And fuck those people who say you just have to relax – it’s bullshit.

    However, you WILL get there. This is just a bump in the road.

  • Reply Heidi January 20, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    I am very proud of you. I would not have the strength to call the cycle off, even though I knew it was for the best. It is wonderful that you know what is best for you and your body and are able to follow through.

    It sucks, but I am so glad you are able to see through the suck and see the rainbow on the other side.

  • Reply AdventuresInBabyMaking January 20, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    Thanks for your note on my blog. Yeah, one of the nice things about Philly is that it really isn’t a terribly expensive city.

    Anyway, just chiming in to say I agree: no one knows your body like you do and if you feel like it’s not the right cycle, holding off is probably the best. FX for you guys!

  • Reply Eva January 21, 2009 at 12:13 am

    Damn! Sending hugs!

  • Reply oneofhismoms February 10, 2009 at 3:47 am

    People who say “relax” have never spent a cent on sperm. Nor have they given themselves shots. Nor have they rushed to the doctor’s office to get blood drawn and a stick up their hoochie before 6:30am so they can get to work on time every other day for two weeks. Those people deserve a smackdown.

  • Reply projectkjetil February 10, 2009 at 4:08 am

    I’m sorry that things are screwed up, but you know what? I think you’re doing the best thing for you, cancelling if it doesn’t feel right. That will leave your body and bank account ready for the right cycle, which is hope is coming very very soon.

    Thinking about you as you turn over this hard decision.

    Also, I hadn’t noticed your trip info on your sidebar. Um…. jealous. Just really really jealous. Have you tried telling your future embryos about how quickly their passports will fill with exciting stamps? If that’s not incentive, I don’t know what is!

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