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Zero Chance.

I’ve gone back and forth a bit this week, but I’m getting a lot better at accepting that I’ve done all I can to try to make this baby and now it’s time to “let go and let God”.

This chart certainly helped me get there:

My antral follicle count in October was SIX.  That means according to this chart I have a ZERO chance of having a live birth (and yes I’m basing this on being 40 because let’s face it I almost am) even if I were to do another IVF cycle.  Yes, I know the count can change from month to month…but really.  My chances?  Not so good.

Wow.  Zero.  Holy Shit.  My eggs are MthrFng old.

The hardest thing for me has been the fact I never got to actually ‘finish’ an IVF cycle.  I never even made it that far but now that I see this chart….I guess everything happens for a reason.
I’m glad that I got pregnant, just that one time, for just a little while.  It’s my damn badge of honor at this point.
 
I will never know what it’s like to look at my baby and think “those are my eyes” or “that little quirk is all me” but I will be birthing my love’s child and that child will be mine.
I am officially done whining.

Off to Egg Donor IVF land we go!

P.S.–That post involving EWCM?  That was me encouraging K to go make me a baby, not the other way around!
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13 Comments

  • Reply projectkjetil April 10, 2009 at 9:53 pm

    [The part about your loss being a badge of honor… I didn’t know I felt the same way about my own losses until I read your words.]

    It’s got to be hard, really really hard to make the transition away from your own biological yearnings. During this tide change, know that lots of us have your theoretical back.

    I must say that doing egg donation with your partner’s eggs is pretty amazing, and I’m glad you have that option. The people I know who have gone that route seem to be almost more excited about how they’re equally connected to their child. One by biology, one by the first-bond of pregnancy. Does that make any sense?

    Wishing the BEST for both of you on this new journey.

  • Reply cindyhoo2 April 10, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    I have an idea how you feel. When I found a chart showing that I have only a 19% chance of having my own bio child (and that is if I got to one of the best in the nation) it both broke my heart and set me free.

    You have been through so much and I hope that you can get excited about your new plan soon. AND of course that you get your baby.

  • Reply glamcookie April 10, 2009 at 10:31 pm

    I am so sorry that the chances seem low. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you will have your baby with your partner. I have friends who went that route (the one TTC was 46 and her partner was 38 at the time). They have a gorgeous 2 year old daughter now that is equally theirs. It’s a beautiful way to make your family. All good thoughts to you and your partner!

  • Reply poppycat April 10, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    Fucking dairy products and their expiration dates anyway! I think the awe of feeling a baby made with K’s eggs moving inside you is going to be just as intense as anything you can imagine. You are going to be an amazing mom no matter the route you take to get there, although I am sorry for all the heartache up to this point. Good things ahead Puffer, good things ahead.

  • Reply Jen April 11, 2009 at 1:02 am

    I agree with Poppy. I think you will feel the magic of pregnancy with Ks eggs as much as your own, and how magical that both of you will be able to produce a child! I have said this before, but T and I have thrown this idea around as well because I have a powerful need to BE pregnant, but Tiff has a powerful need to create a child. I guess it is the bonus of having 2uteri, one thing that lesbian couples have going for us in the world of fertility.

  • Reply anofferingoflove April 11, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    damn, thats one hellva depressing looking chart.

    i love that you are going to carry a child created with k’s eggs, what an amazing way to start your family. you two are going to be great moms!

  • Reply Anonymous April 11, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    Hi. Thanks for dropping by the blog and leaving your lovely message.
    It is a hard realization to make but to be honest I am kind of relieved we are moving onto DE. Better chances of having a healthy baby. I see DE as preadoption with added advantages! E B. (40+ path to parenthood)

  • Reply insertmetaphor April 11, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    I’m so stubbornly resistant to these kind of statistics because you’re not one of those women in 2002-2004 who had one of those 54 cycles who didn’t get pregnant – you’re you. You who did get pregnant fairly recently. But I totally understand the need to let go and focus on the amazing possibility of carrying a baby from K’s eggs. You’re going to be holding that baby soon!

  • Reply Next in Line April 12, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    Puff I think you may be surprised at how much this little one is going to pick up bits of you! Genetics is one small part of a very amazing and complex package. I can guarantee you that one day that little one is going to say or do something that is exactly what you would have said or done.
    Best of luck on this new plan. I have a good feeling about this.

  • Reply AdventuresInBabyMaking April 12, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    Well, you’re only follicle away from being in the 18.8 category but your baby will be awesome no matter how s/he was conceived! Watching your little one strap a backpack to his/ her back and board a plane w/ moms, embracing the world like moms, will be amazing, regardless of genetics. GL!

  • Reply Andrea April 13, 2009 at 1:02 am

    Hi, thanks for finding & commenting on my blog!

    Wow, most of this post (except the getting pregnant part), I could have written myself. It took me quite some time to get over the shock and loss over not ever getting to have my own biological child. There are some days I still wonder ‘why me?’ But, for the most part, I am now super excited about DE and I am so greatful to have the chance to be pregnant and carry our child. After all, the child couldn’t exist without your uterus, so it is still biologically your child. Plus, you get the added bonus of seeing K in your child. Wishing you lots of luck and I am excited to follow your story!

  • Reply A April 13, 2009 at 3:51 pm

    OMG! I have tears. I felt like I was reading something I would have written. Actually what I have written. I’m so sorry. I’m right there with you. I had to come to the realization that my body just wasn’t going to do it. My love is now going to try and have our baby. If you ever need to talk more I’m here.

  • Reply Carrie April 15, 2009 at 12:54 am

    just thinking about you today. i know youve hit a pivotal emotional moment, and im so proud of you for how youre dealing with it. your wife will hopefully get pregnant, and you will be a mama soon. like i said before, we’re in a similar boat. something seems to be wrong with my 33 year old body..which is a shame, since im 33! but we will try 2-3 more times, then i will need to throw in the towel. and that is such a hard place to come to, because it means youre giving up a dream youve had your whole life. but maybe in giving up that dream, we create space for a new dream, and a new life to join us. food for thought, i guess! :)

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